1 - Life is completely unpredictable
2 - There are many people that care
3 - It's healthy to grieve
4 - I am going to be ok
5 - Healing is happening
6 - I can't change the past, and I can't predict the future...I just have to live fully in every single second of the present
7 - I am a work of God - knowing that, I also fully understand now that I will never be completely whole and pain free until Heaven. There will be days when memories of the past will so overwhelm me that I will crumble beneath them, and there are days when I will long for His promises of my future to be fulfilled quicker than they seem to be. However, I believe with all my heart that the tears will lessen over time, the pain will change from a searing pain to a dull ache and I will be able to go through one whole day, then one whole week, then one whole month, without having to relive any of it.
8 - I will be used fully to enhance the Kingdom of God - not in spite of all of my baggage, but because of it! Praise God!!! :)
by William P Young
First off, if you haven't read The Shack, get a copy of it and read it as soon as possible! It will turn your world upside down if you'll allow it!
As a funny sidenote, this book has been chasing me for a while, and finally caught me! :) Mama got it for us right when it first came out. I began to read it, but didn't get more than a couple of chapters down before I gave up because I thought it was about the strangest book I'd ever put my hands on. Then for this past birthday, the family (Sharon, David, Samantha and Davis) got it for me, because Sharon had heard such great things about it, and she knows how I love to read. So, in the interest of trying to embrace and appreciate a gift from people I care about, I started it again. I stopped in about the same place as I did the first time - maybe not even that far... - and decided that the people reviewing that book must have all lost their minds. Then a friend from here came back from Spring Break having read it on the plane flight back from Florida, and was raving about how good it was. So I just asked her exactly why she thought it was a good book, and explained to her how far I had gotten, and why I had stopped each time. She told me that I absolutely had to read it, and that I needed to read and take in the first part because it was essential to the story, but that I just needed to suck it up and push on through it. So I did. And I've never been so glad that I did. :)
This book opened up my mind, but more importantly, my heart. It shows an amazingly clear picture of the Trinity, and just exactly what God had in mind when He created man. The relationship that He so longs to have with us. And it also allowed me to see into the heart of God. To fully realize that every person ever created is a child of God - the "good" people and the evil people...and He loves us all completely, fully and unconditionally.
Oh! Just typing about it makes me want to get it out and read it again right now! :) Go get it and read it ASAP! :D
PS - I read this book the Friday morning before I found out about Daddy remarrying. Having the thoughts in my heart and mind from this book helped carry me through that and helped me keep everything in perspective as I waded through my emotions and feelings surrounding that day.
CAPTIVATING
by John and Stasi Eldredge
The second "life-altering" book that's been presented to me in less than a month! As I was talking to a friend of mine here (she's the mama to one of the boys that plays soccer on Davis' team - we got really close last season, and have continued to get together for lunch and such since), and she said that she had a book she wanted me to read. She is the one that had encouraged me to read The Shack when I finally did, so I figured she'd know a good book for me, and eagerly accepted it when she passed it on to me two weeks ago at the soccer game. I hadn't had any down time to start reading it, until last Wednesday night after I got Samantha home from her youth group.
Sidenote - that day was also the day I found out that Daddy has diabetes, looks very sickly, is moving to Florida with his new wife in two weeks, and never intended for us to know. Let's suffice it to say that Wednesday was an extremely hard day.
So I got home that night and decided I would escape in a book. I picked Captivating up, and instead of escaping, I hit the wall head on. But it was magnificent! I have found out so many things about myself while reading this book! It has been such an amazing experience! I immediately called Mama to tell her that that is what I wanted for my "Easter basket!" :) All I wanted was a copy of my very own that I could make notes in and hi-light and cry over and rejoice over and underline and read over, and over and over again! :)
Maybe one day, after the healing from these current days is complete, I'll share with you all, all the things God has shown me in the last week...right now I'm still a little tender. But know, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that not only is He working in me and on me, but that we aren't working with bandaids! He is scraping off scabs, and digging deep to find the true source of each and every wound, and we're rebuilding from there. It has been extremely painful, and extremely magnificent.
The one thing I will share, is that God has clearly told me that I am to start calling Him "Daddy." For now, my earthly father is out of my life (by his choosing) and He has shown me that the only way to begin dealing with these wounds is to allow it all to go to Him. He wants to be my Daddy. So I'm gonna let Him. :) Fully and completely. So from here on out, when I say "Daddy," I'll be referring to my REAL Daddy! :) The one that loves me unconditionally, and FOREVER!!! The One that will NEVER leave me, and NEVER forsake me! The One that is a father to the fatherless! The One that has my name written on the palm of His hand! The One that knew me before I was in Mama's womb! The One that thought of me before He even created the world! And the One that had me on His mind when He was taking His last breaths on that cross! The One that loves me for all I am - broken, bleeding, and bandaged! The One that wants to bear it all for me! And the one that rejoices over me with singing! :) The One that made me to worship Him with every part of me and every breath I breathe! The One that has given me gifts and talents that He sees as creative and beautiful, even when no one else does! The One that loves me with all He is, and all He has! The One who created me! :)
Praise the Lord!
Praise the Lord, O my soul; all my inmost being, praise His holy name.
Praise the Lord, O my soul; and forget not all His benefits -
Who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases
Who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion,
Who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.
The Lord works righteousness and justice for all the oppressed.
He made known His ways to Moses, His deeds to the people of Israel:
The Lord is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love.
He will not always accuse, nor will he harbor his anger forever;
He does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities.
For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is His love for those who fear Him;
As far as the east is from the west, so far has He removed our transgressions from us.
As a father has compassion on his children, so the Lord has compassion on those who fear Him;
For He knows how we are formed, He remembers that we are dust.
As for man, his days are like grass, he flourishes like a flower of the field;
The wind blows over it and it is gone, and its place remembers it no more.
But from everlasting to everlasting the Lord's love is with those who fear Him, and His righteousness with their children's children-with those who keep His covenant and remember to obey His precepts.
The Lord has established His throne in heaven, and His kingdom rules over all.
Praise the Lord, you His angels, you mighty ones who do His bidding, who obey His word.
Praise the Lord, all His heavenly hosts, you His servants who do His will.
Praise the Lord, all His works everywhere in His dominion. Praise the Lord, O my soul.
~Psalm 103
I sit here smiling at the screen on my laptop, as if I am sitting right in front of each one of you sharing all that has been happening in the last two weeks! My heart has been ripped to shreds, but He is reigning victorious! He is stronger! (Which reminds me of the song that has been in my heart through it all! Check it out! The link's below! I found the video that has the lyrics on the screen so you can clearly know exactly what the words are, and you can understand why it has had such a grasp on me!:) )
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sv55FMjeMV0
What I would like to try to clarify for any of you who might have been unfortunate enough to encounter me while I was in the bottom of the pit, is what was on my heart. I was having an extremely difficult time accepting that this might truly be the end final end of my relationship on this earth with my earthly father. My heart was broken. Completely and totally. I was bleeding. And I was grieving.
Many well meaning people, not wanting to just say nothing when they heard of what was going on, wanted to respond with "church answers" (truth, but churchy none the less...) - "Vanessa, God is the father you father never was." "Vanessa, take this to God, he'll hold you and comfort you." God is your comfort." "God is your provider." "God is the ultimate father." "I'll pray for you to have strength in the days to come." "Some people never even knew their fathers."
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
Finally, I decided that I would just stop being honest with people when they said, "How are you?" or "Vanessa, are you ok?" or "Your eyes look swollen...have you been crying?" Because I just knew beyond the shadow of a doubt if ONE MORE PERSON gave me ONE MORE WELL MEANING RESPONSE, I was going to give them one well meaning bonk on the end of their nose! :P (Ok...probably wouldn't have really bonked anyone...but I probably would have just let out a scream from the very depths of the very bottom of my soul!)
As I told Mama, and as God confirmed for me, I just wanted to get it off me! I needed to share the burden. I needed to tell people what was going on. I needed to have people rally around me and hold me up! But I didn't need them to try and "fix it." I wanted someone that would just listen, and when I finished say, "You know what Vanessa? That just sucks." I wanted someone that would listen, and as I cried through it, they would cry with me. I wanted someone that wouldn't even ask me what was going on, but would instead just wrap me in a hug and hold me while I cried. I wanted someone that would go outside with me and scream at the top of their lungs with me. I wanted someone that would see that I had been sad, and would say or do something completely goofy just to take my mind off of it and make me laugh. As I have said many times in the last two weeks, it isn't my knowledge (head or heart) of God that has been hurt, it was that place in my heart that every girl has...the hole that is only for her earthly father...that hole in my heart that has always had a hope that one day it would be able to be filled, but the hole that laid gaping open last Wednesday, weeping and bleeding, knowing that that time has passed, and without much change on his heart from the only One that can truly change him, that time will never come on this earth.
So...I hope that helps clear up any questions or concerns any of you might have had as to my response as things have been progressing around here lately... :) Know that I love you and appreciate everything you feel and do for me! And I appreciate all of the love, care and concern you have shown me. You are in my heart! Forever! :)
Ok...this has gotten kind of long... :) But you all know me well, and know that I'm long winded! So there! :)
Love you!
~Vanessa
PS - Be praying for me, please. There are some decisions to be made, and just some clarity that I'm waiting on. (It is nothing bad! I promise!)
PSS - Thank you to those of you who have already planned trips to come visit me this summer while Spooky and I are all alone! :( And for those of you who are waiting for an invitation, consider this it! :) I'd love to have any and all of you come see me! :) There are still days/weeks that are open, and just waiting to be filled! :) So come on! :) Just let me know the dates before you make definite plans so we can avoid double booking! :D
