Jesus cried too!

A little over a week ago, I got some pretty bad news about someone close to me. And I was upset. I was first in disbelief, followed by anger, and then a deep sadness fell over me. My mind began spinning, as I tried to grasp exactly what this news meant, and how it could alter all the tomorrows...

But mostly, I was just incredibly sad, and wanted be able to put my arms around this person, to see their face, and to sit in their presence. Just to know that, for that moment at least, they were ok.

I spent that night mostly awake, journaling and emailing. Talking to others who had just found out the news, and feeling such a sense of unity knowing that we were all walking through it together - no one was alone, and everyone understood the emotions that were pouring through our hearts and minds.

Upon getting home from work the next afternoon, I found an email in my Inbox, adressed to me and several others.

***Before I go any further, I will say that the opinions that are about to be expressed are mine, and mine alone. I pray that the person that sent the email meant it to be an encouragement, rather than the slap across the face that I felt it as being.

Anyway, after spending the 10 minutes it took to read the email (it was a long one), I sat back frustrated and quite angry. Basically, I felt like I had been told that by being sad, depressed, fearful and tearful, that I was letting the life and energy be sucked right out of me, and that was not of God. I felt like I had been doused with a bucket of cold water.

Upon finishing, I decided that the person that sent the email either 1: has lost their ability to feel anything or 2: is completely clueless. (I still haven't decided which it is...)

So...I have spent the last week, angry at this person, and hiding away in my little shell, trying to find the truth in all this. I will not negate the fact that it is not good for us to wallow around in our sorrows and fears day in and day out forever and ever and ever. However, I feel that we are completely justified in being sad and upset and tearful when we get devastating news, that could possibly alter the rest of our lives. I think if we weren't affected by devastating news, then there would be much more wrong with us than the news we just received. (I think I have decided the thing that made me the most upset with the email was the fact that it was sent less than 12 hours from the time we heard the news. Translation: We hadn't even had time to fully process what we had been told, and before we had even waded through all that, we were being told to suck it up.)

So...I went on a scavenger hunt tonight...and I know that after I finish this, and turn in for the night tonight, I will sleep better than I have in a week. Because I know the truth, have embraced it, and will go forward from tonight.

"Jesus wept." John 11:35

We all know the story of Lazarus. He died, and Jesus brought him back from the dead. But what happened between the time he died and Jesus brought him back? Jesus wept. As a matter of fact, not only did Jesus weep, but, "was deeply moved in spirit and troubled." AND HE KNEW WHAT HE WAS ABOUT TO DO!!! He KNEW He was about to raise Lazarus from the dead, and He STILL wept! AND had a deeply moved spirit and was troubled!!! So don't you think that might just mean that we are pretty much guaranteed to be moved to emotion? If Jesus, the one who made the world, knows how many hairs are on our head, knew when we were to be born, and when we were to die, all before the world came into existence wept - I'm pretty sure we will spend some of our time here on this earth weeping as well!

"He took Peter, James and John along with Him, and He began to be deeply distressed and troubled. 'My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death,' he said to them. 'Stay here and keep watch.' Going a little farther, He fell to the ground and prayed that if possible the hour might pass from Him." Mark 14:33-35

And He didn't pray just once, but he returned twice after that, pleading that the cup would pass from Him.

"He withdrew about a stone's throw beyond them, knelt down and prayed, 'Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but your's be done.' An angel from Heaven appeared to Him and strengthened Him. And being in anguish, He prayed more earnestly, and His sweat was like drops of blood falling to the ground." John 22:41-44

Even after the angel from Heaven appeared to Him and strengthened Him, he was STILL in anguish! The God/Man, being strengthed by an angel from Heaven was anguished to the point that His sweat was like blood!

Anyway, what I am trying to allow you to see, is what He has shown me. It's ok to be sad, and it's ok to grieve. Jesus knew that the only way to save us all was to sacrifice Himself. He knew exactly what He was going to be going through. He knew what the pain would be. He knew how excruciatingly horrible the beatings, spearings, and the crucifixion itself would be. But more than all of that, He knew what the outcome was. He knew that by His death, we would live! He knew that by His blood, we would be saved and healed! He knew that by His suffering, we would be made complete!

And yet, He was still filled with sorrow, and was in anguish. How much worse is it for us mere humans that don't know what tomorrow holds? If we are saved, we know what our eternity will be, but what about the days until then? And what about those that are watching us suffer and face whatever is coming our way?

You can have whatever opinion you wish to have.

You can believe that to be a Christian is to accept life as it comes, and not waste time on tears and sorrow, and believe that to show sadness and sorrow somehow means that you don't have faith in God.

Or you can believe that to be a Christian, is to be human. And to be human is to feel. And if the 100% human/100% God Jesus wept, then you are allowed to as well. And that showing your sadness and sorrow does not mean that you have no faith in God. It simply means that you are hurting.

What does all this mean for me? It means that there will be days when I cry. There will be days when I'm just thoughtful, and a little sad. But like Jesus in the garden that evening, I know that even through my sadness, God is always here! He hears every cry of my heart! He knows that a pool of my tears does not mean that I no longer believe He is the God of love, and He knows that I will always pray with fervent hope that He will provide a miracle, and I can look back and laugh over the tears I shed for the circumstance that no longer exists! Lord, let it be!

So, you can cry with me, laugh with me, pray with me, pray for me or ignore this completely. It's your choice.

But I can tell you one thing...the night we got the news, I firmly believe Jesus was crying right along with us. :)

I pray that this will give you comfort and freedom for the rest of your lives! I pray that this will not just be a lesson for today, or just for one circumstance, but will be something you keep in your heart, and can go back to until you pass through the gates, where there will forever be no more tears! :)

Overcome

Overcome
by Desperation Band

Seated above, enthroned in the Father's love
Destined to die, poured out for all mankind
God's only son, perfect and spotless One
He never sinned, but suffered as if He did

All authority, Every victory, is Your's
All authority, Every victory, is Your's

Savior, worthy of honor and glory
Worthy of all our praise, You overcame
Jesus, awesome in power forever
Awesome and great is Your name, You overcame

Power in hand, speaking the Father's plan
You're sending us out, light in this broken land

We will overcome
By the Blood of the Lamb
And the word of our testimony
Everyone overcome

We will overcome!

I love you.

PS - Video link:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ruTV6goauGQ&feature=related

Picture Post :)

This is for Mama and Marcia! :) Davis asked me to make him Peanut Butter and Jelly mixed one Sunday evening - cause he absolutely loves it mixed - and I snapped a shot, so Mama and Marcia could feel like they were here! :)

















Marcia sent Spooky some treats to enjoy! :) The first picture is of him chowing down on it, the second is him looking at me hoping he was going to get another one right that second! :)












Precious puppy! :)

Easter Egg Hunt 2009

Samantha and Davis - before the hunt

Samantha yanking her sunglasses out of her hair so she would not be hindered! :)

Davis dashing to fill his basket!

Samantha with all her eggs! Yes, she has all the pockets in her jacket STUFFED as well! :)

Davis with his loot! :) And yes, that is a hard-boiled egg he is holding in his hand! Altogether, he and Samantha gathered 20 hard-boiled eggs along with over 100 plastic eggs (filled with candy, of course!)! :)

All the girls and female leaders in our Urban LifeGroup at our Easter Celebration! This picture was snapped about two seconds before the boys pelted us with confetti filled eggs! :P

Boys will be boys... *sigh* lol :)

Davis and I had a "campout" the weekend Sharon and David had training for Elevate, and Samantha was gone for her youth Spring Retreat!

It started out as a wonderful Spring day, weather in the 70s, nice, slow breeze blowing to keep you from getting too hot, etc.

About 4A, all that changed! The temperature dropped, and the wind was blowing so hard, it was picking our tent up off the ground at the corners! Davis made the executive decision that...

...we would be "sticking it out" - so we did! And we stayed snuggled and cuddled and piled under everything we had inside the tent with us until 7:16A! What a night! :) But we had a great time! :) And thoroughly enjoyed it!

This is our front "flower bed" - for lack of a better term...

Needless to say, it hasn't been looked after very well, and if you will peer closely, you will see the gigantic weed growing up out of the ground next to the sidewalk...

And here is Davis standing beside it...

Davis is 5ft tall...

Yes, that's one tall weed!

...and this picture was taken at the beginning of April, so it has grown since then! :)

The beat of my heart...

A lot has happened since my last blog. Some that I can expound on, some that I cannot. I have learned a few things quite well over the last two weeks:

1 - Life is completely unpredictable
2 - There are many people that care
3 - It's healthy to grieve
4 - I am going to be ok
5 - Healing is happening
6 - I can't change the past, and I can't predict the future...I just have to live fully in every single second of the present
7 - I am a work of God - knowing that, I also fully understand now that I will never be completely whole and pain free until Heaven. There will be days when memories of the past will so overwhelm me that I will crumble beneath them, and there are days when I will long for His promises of my future to be fulfilled quicker than they seem to be. However, I believe with all my heart that the tears will lessen over time, the pain will change from a searing pain to a dull ache and I will be able to go through one whole day, then one whole week, then one whole month, without having to relive any of it.
8 - I will be used fully to enhance the Kingdom of God - not in spite of all of my baggage, but because of it! Praise God!!! :)

THE SHACK
by William P Young

First off, if you haven't read The Shack, get a copy of it and read it as soon as possible! It will turn your world upside down if you'll allow it!

As a funny sidenote, this book has been chasing me for a while, and finally caught me! :) Mama got it for us right when it first came out. I began to read it, but didn't get more than a couple of chapters down before I gave up because I thought it was about the strangest book I'd ever put my hands on. Then for this past birthday, the family (Sharon, David, Samantha and Davis) got it for me, because Sharon had heard such great things about it, and she knows how I love to read. So, in the interest of trying to embrace and appreciate a gift from people I care about, I started it again. I stopped in about the same place as I did the first time - maybe not even that far... - and decided that the people reviewing that book must have all lost their minds. Then a friend from here came back from Spring Break having read it on the plane flight back from Florida, and was raving about how good it was. So I just asked her exactly why she thought it was a good book, and explained to her how far I had gotten, and why I had stopped each time. She told me that I absolutely had to read it, and that I needed to read and take in the first part because it was essential to the story, but that I just needed to suck it up and push on through it. So I did. And I've never been so glad that I did. :)

This book opened up my mind, but more importantly, my heart. It shows an amazingly clear picture of the Trinity, and just exactly what God had in mind when He created man. The relationship that He so longs to have with us. And it also allowed me to see into the heart of God. To fully realize that every person ever created is a child of God - the "good" people and the evil people...and He loves us all completely, fully and unconditionally.

Oh! Just typing about it makes me want to get it out and read it again right now! :) Go get it and read it ASAP! :D

PS - I read this book the Friday morning before I found out about Daddy remarrying. Having the thoughts in my heart and mind from this book helped carry me through that and helped me keep everything in perspective as I waded through my emotions and feelings surrounding that day.

CAPTIVATING
by John and Stasi Eldredge

The second "life-altering" book that's been presented to me in less than a month! As I was talking to a friend of mine here (she's the mama to one of the boys that plays soccer on Davis' team - we got really close last season, and have continued to get together for lunch and such since), and she said that she had a book she wanted me to read. She is the one that had encouraged me to read The Shack when I finally did, so I figured she'd know a good book for me, and eagerly accepted it when she passed it on to me two weeks ago at the soccer game. I hadn't had any down time to start reading it, until last Wednesday night after I got Samantha home from her youth group.

Sidenote - that day was also the day I found out that Daddy has diabetes, looks very sickly, is moving to Florida with his new wife in two weeks, and never intended for us to know. Let's suffice it to say that Wednesday was an extremely hard day.

So I got home that night and decided I would escape in a book. I picked Captivating up, and instead of escaping, I hit the wall head on. But it was magnificent! I have found out so many things about myself while reading this book! It has been such an amazing experience! I immediately called Mama to tell her that that is what I wanted for my "Easter basket!" :) All I wanted was a copy of my very own that I could make notes in and hi-light and cry over and rejoice over and underline and read over, and over and over again! :)

Maybe one day, after the healing from these current days is complete, I'll share with you all, all the things God has shown me in the last week...right now I'm still a little tender. But know, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that not only is He working in me and on me, but that we aren't working with bandaids! He is scraping off scabs, and digging deep to find the true source of each and every wound, and we're rebuilding from there. It has been extremely painful, and extremely magnificent.

The one thing I will share, is that God has clearly told me that I am to start calling Him "Daddy." For now, my earthly father is out of my life (by his choosing) and He has shown me that the only way to begin dealing with these wounds is to allow it all to go to Him. He wants to be my Daddy. So I'm gonna let Him. :) Fully and completely. So from here on out, when I say "Daddy," I'll be referring to my REAL Daddy! :) The one that loves me unconditionally, and FOREVER!!! The One that will NEVER leave me, and NEVER forsake me! The One that is a father to the fatherless! The One that has my name written on the palm of His hand! The One that knew me before I was in Mama's womb! The One that thought of me before He even created the world! And the One that had me on His mind when He was taking His last breaths on that cross! The One that loves me for all I am - broken, bleeding, and bandaged! The One that wants to bear it all for me! And the one that rejoices over me with singing! :) The One that made me to worship Him with every part of me and every breath I breathe! The One that has given me gifts and talents that He sees as creative and beautiful, even when no one else does! The One that loves me with all He is, and all He has! The One who created me! :)

Praise the Lord!

Praise the Lord, O my soul; all my inmost being, praise His holy name.
Praise the Lord, O my soul; and forget not all His benefits -
Who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases
Who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion,
Who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.
The Lord works righteousness and justice for all the oppressed.
He made known His ways to Moses, His deeds to the people of Israel:
The Lord is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love.
He will not always accuse, nor will he harbor his anger forever;
He does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities.
For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is His love for those who fear Him;
As far as the east is from the west, so far has He removed our transgressions from us.
As a father has compassion on his children, so the Lord has compassion on those who fear Him;
For He knows how we are formed, He remembers that we are dust.
As for man, his days are like grass, he flourishes like a flower of the field;
The wind blows over it and it is gone, and its place remembers it no more.
But from everlasting to everlasting the Lord's love is with those who fear Him, and His righteousness with their children's children-with those who keep His covenant and remember to obey His precepts.
The Lord has established His throne in heaven, and His kingdom rules over all.
Praise the Lord, you His angels, you mighty ones who do His bidding, who obey His word.
Praise the Lord, all His heavenly hosts, you His servants who do His will.
Praise the Lord, all His works everywhere in His dominion. Praise the Lord, O my soul.
~Psalm 103

I sit here smiling at the screen on my laptop, as if I am sitting right in front of each one of you sharing all that has been happening in the last two weeks! My heart has been ripped to shreds, but He is reigning victorious! He is stronger! (Which reminds me of the song that has been in my heart through it all! Check it out! The link's below! I found the video that has the lyrics on the screen so you can clearly know exactly what the words are, and you can understand why it has had such a grasp on me!:) )

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sv55FMjeMV0

What I would like to try to clarify for any of you who might have been unfortunate enough to encounter me while I was in the bottom of the pit, is what was on my heart. I was having an extremely difficult time accepting that this might truly be the end final end of my relationship on this earth with my earthly father. My heart was broken. Completely and totally. I was bleeding. And I was grieving.

Many well meaning people, not wanting to just say nothing when they heard of what was going on, wanted to respond with "church answers" (truth, but churchy none the less...) - "Vanessa, God is the father you father never was." "Vanessa, take this to God, he'll hold you and comfort you." God is your comfort." "God is your provider." "God is the ultimate father." "I'll pray for you to have strength in the days to come." "Some people never even knew their fathers."

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Finally, I decided that I would just stop being honest with people when they said, "How are you?" or "Vanessa, are you ok?" or "Your eyes look swollen...have you been crying?" Because I just knew beyond the shadow of a doubt if ONE MORE PERSON gave me ONE MORE WELL MEANING RESPONSE, I was going to give them one well meaning bonk on the end of their nose! :P (Ok...probably wouldn't have really bonked anyone...but I probably would have just let out a scream from the very depths of the very bottom of my soul!)

As I told Mama, and as God confirmed for me, I just wanted to get it off me! I needed to share the burden. I needed to tell people what was going on. I needed to have people rally around me and hold me up! But I didn't need them to try and "fix it." I wanted someone that would just listen, and when I finished say, "You know what Vanessa? That just sucks." I wanted someone that would listen, and as I cried through it, they would cry with me. I wanted someone that wouldn't even ask me what was going on, but would instead just wrap me in a hug and hold me while I cried. I wanted someone that would go outside with me and scream at the top of their lungs with me. I wanted someone that would see that I had been sad, and would say or do something completely goofy just to take my mind off of it and make me laugh. As I have said many times in the last two weeks, it isn't my knowledge (head or heart) of God that has been hurt, it was that place in my heart that every girl has...the hole that is only for her earthly father...that hole in my heart that has always had a hope that one day it would be able to be filled, but the hole that laid gaping open last Wednesday, weeping and bleeding, knowing that that time has passed, and without much change on his heart from the only One that can truly change him, that time will never come on this earth.

So...I hope that helps clear up any questions or concerns any of you might have had as to my response as things have been progressing around here lately... :) Know that I love you and appreciate everything you feel and do for me! And I appreciate all of the love, care and concern you have shown me. You are in my heart! Forever! :)

Ok...this has gotten kind of long... :) But you all know me well, and know that I'm long winded! So there! :)

Love you!
~Vanessa

PS - Be praying for me, please. There are some decisions to be made, and just some clarity that I'm waiting on. (It is nothing bad! I promise!)

PSS - Thank you to those of you who have already planned trips to come visit me this summer while Spooky and I are all alone! :( And for those of you who are waiting for an invitation, consider this it! :) I'd love to have any and all of you come see me! :) There are still days/weeks that are open, and just waiting to be filled! :) So come on! :) Just let me know the dates before you make definite plans so we can avoid double booking! :D

There's a lot to this little sign... :)

Ok...when I was 10 or 11, my aunt Diane got me started on the Christy Miller series of books by Robin Jones Gunn. She got me the first four books in the series for part of my Christmas that year, and I read them all that night after we got home, refusing to go to bed until I had finished them all. As soon as stores were open the day after Christmas, I had Mama calling to order the rest of the series for me! Those went into the Sierra Jensen series, Todd and Christy The College Years, and now she is writing the Katie Weldon series (yes, I am just as excited about them now as I was that first Christmas Eve when I got my hands on book one! :) ). The characters have grown, matured and changed as I have, and I have thoroughly enjoyed growing with them! :) (I'm going to stop now, so you all won't think me completely crazy...lol)

Anyway, in these books, when something significant happens, they always put their hand on the person's forehead, and give the blessing, "May the Lord bless you and keep you, may He make His face shine upon you." I fell in love with it the first time I ever read it, and had no idea it was a Bible verse!

So, fast forward to last year when we got to the end of our very first service at The Lord's Vineyard. I was already very impressed with the church, but that was only our first time going, and we hadn't gone anywhere else yet to compare, so I was still open to checking out other options. Anyway, Pastor Wes came to the end of the service and said, "Can I bless you?" to the congregation. Now I didn't know what in the world he was talking about, but everybody was smiling and blessings are supposed to be good, so I was going with it. Then he opened his mouth and said, "May the Lord bless you and keep you. The Lord make His face shine on you and be gracious to you. The Lord turn His face toward you and give you..." And everyone said, "Peace!"

At this point, I knew this was my church! But as I looked at Pastor Wes, I just couldn't picture him sitting in his living room, in a big overstuffed chair, cuddled up reading the Christy Miller series and falling in love with this blessing as I had! :) So I went home and googled it and found it in Numbers 6:24-26! :)

Last week, I had to go to our local Christian bookstore to pick up a book to send to a friend. Anyway, as I was there, I decided to just do a little browsing, as I had never really looked anywhere but at the book section before! I walked around the first corner of the "knick knack" section, and there, right in the middle of the wall, with about 30 other framed things around it was the plaque in the picture above! :) And as clearly as I saw that plaque, I could see it hanging above a crib in my future nursery! :) It came home with me that day! And it is now hanging above my dresser! A daily reminder of the promise God intended with that blessing, and a daily reminder of a church full of people that love me back home! :)

I love you all! :)