November 2008

And now the story begins…

…with an apology… :)

I am so sorry it has taken me so long to send out another update! School schedules and the involvement with activities at the church have kept us all on our toes! :) But we are loving every minute of it! :)

Once again, in an effort to just get the newsletter on out to you, I am not going to go back and read the last one, I am just going to jump in and hope I don’t repeat myself too much!

Where to begin…

Let’s start at the very beginning… :) (I am very disappointed if you are not singing that song in your head right now! :) )

I am trying very hard to think of all the things that have happened since the beginning of September, so that you can be completely up to date. So please bear with me! :)

Urban Children’s LifeGroup

As I may, or may not, have mentioned last time, I am one of the leaders in our Urban Children’s LifeGroup. In the LifeGroup I lead, we have 5 leaders (myself included) and, depending on the day, anywhere from 10-20 girls in 5th and 6th grade. We meet every Friday from 4-6 and have seen remarkable change in all of our girls in the past 3 months! Praise God!

These girls come from rough backgrounds. They have experienced more in their 11 years than I will probably experience in my entire lifetime. Lots of them have either one, or both, parents in prison, and are being passed around from family member to family member, because no one wants to keep them too long. They have many, many siblings, and get lost in the shuffle many times. They don’t receive individual attention at home, and often seek it outside their home in ways that make my stomach churn and my heart break.

At the beginning of the semester, all these girls were incredibly hard, and would not say anything to us. When they did talk, it wasn’t anything that was very nice, or appropriate. They didn’t listen to the lessons, they held their ears closed when we had worship time, and they refused to be quiet during prayer time. We didn’t push them, we just talked over them, sang over them and prayed over them. We pick them up and drop them off, and in our cars, on the way to pick these girls up, we were praying our hearts out, begging God to just let LifeGroup go off without any of them getting in a fight with another one, or any hurtful words shared.
During one particularly horrible Friday afternoon, I was at a complete loss. As one girl was screaming insults at our leader that was playing the guitar and attempting to lead worship, another was being completely defiant and trying to escape, while 3 others were sitting against the wall, ears plugged and singing the lyrics to very inappropriate songs at the top of their lungs, 2 others were off in a corner, marking all over each other’s legs with Sharpies. I didn’t even know where to begin. So I backed away and began to pray. What God spoke to my heart radically changed my perception, at in a roundabout way, began to change our girls.

I called the leaders (there were only three of us there that night – the other two leaders were sick) together and shared with them what God had given me: He had spoken to my heart that the problem is that all these girls see is “White girls” that have it all together. We have cars, a place to live where there aren’t 15 people crammed in one house, jobs that provide us with money, the knowledge that we are going to be able to eat food at every mealtime and clean clothes – basically, we are everything they aren’t. We have everything they don’t. So He showed me that we had to let them see who we truly were. We had to let them understand that it always hadn’t been like this for us either. So we prayed together as leaders that God would just let them be quiet long enough for them to hear what we wanted to share with them, and that they would have open hearts to accept what was coming.

Sidenote…

I had never heard either of their stories before this night, so I was just trusting that God would have a plan. :)

Back to the story…

The first leader to share was Holly. Holly has never raised her voice from almost a whisper since I’ve met her. She always has a smile on her face and a kind word for anyone she comes into contact with. As she began to share how she used to be so angry, and she used to beat up her little sisters, and scream at her parents, the girls started listening. Then she began to tell them how God had pursued her and changed her from the inside out. How He had shown her that she just had a heart full of anger, and that was why she was doing the things she was doing. And then she described to them what her life had been like ever since. That she had a peace, a happiness and a joy that she had never experienced when she was using her fists to solve her problems.

Then Carrie shared. She had a “normal” childhood. She was an only child that was doted on and loved on by both of her parents, had been to private schools and had gotten saved when she was 4. (As she was sharing, I was inwardly cringing – I know, horrible of me to even think it, let alone share it with you all… - But I was! I was thinking, “Oh no! That is exactly what they think we are already! Why did we have to have an example of it among our leaders?!?!?” – not that I wanted her to have had a horrible childhood, but I just knew that those girls were sitting there thinking, “Yep. I knew it. They don’t know nothin’ about what we live in.” – but of course, God was in control, and I shouldn’t have even had one negative thought!) The girls were beginning to start moving around again, and we asked them to please sit still while we finished.

They gave in, and I began to share my story. As I shared with them my past, opened up about Daddy, and the feelings I had dealt with over everything that had happened, they began pressing in. I shared with them how my view of God had been skewed, because I had always been taught that God was my heavenly father, and that the only father I had, had physically abused me and my mama, had never been a leading example for me, had never been there for me while I was growing up, had chosen to chase after other women, rather than chase after his own children, and had – as far as my heart was concerned – never truly loved me. I then shared with them my own story of salvation, telling them about how I had been in church all my life, had thought I was saved when I was 8, but that God showed me otherwise when I was 19, and He really pursued me! I shared with them about how God had moved me to Waco, and shared some of the awesome things that have been happening since I’ve been here.

When I finished, they sat in complete silence for a few seconds, and then the questions started rapid-fire. I answered as best I could, and they began to share stories from their own pasts. It opened our eyes to what they have lived in, and it started to bond us together as a group. Here were these girls sharing the deep places of their hearts with the people they hadn’t even been looking at or talking too respectfully before then. It was an AWESOME act of God!

We had a sleepover two weekends later, and had 14 girls and 5 leaders in attendance. They made “human banana splits” on three of our heads – we cut a hole in the bottom of a trash bag, and stuck our head through it – in an effort to keep our clothes somewhat clean. HA! – then we sat on our knees on top of another trash bag, with a folding chair beside it loaded with all the ingredients!

The girls were broken up into three teams, and were instructed on how to make their banana split. They were to peel the banana and put it on our head first. Then they had a can of whipped cream, a Ziploc baggy FULL of chocolate syrup, a Ziploc baggy FULL of sprinkles and two cherries (with stem!) to “top” their banana split with. It was the ickiest feeling ever! It was sooooooooo gross! And I had to wash my hair seven times before I even began feeling clean! I stupidly did not straighten my hair before I went, and wore it curly, and those sprinkles and banana mush were just seemingly permanently attached to my hair follicles! Lol! But you know what? They loved it! And that’s all that really mattered in the end! They had an awesome time, and for the rest of the night, they kept talking about how they couldn’t believe we had let them do that to our hair! :) So…mission accomplished! :) They felt loved! And they felt special!

After the sleepover, our group has continued to grow by leaps and bounds, and the girls have gotten so close to each other, and to us. They hug us and tell us they love us when we drop them off! They sit in our laps and throw their arms around our necks! They listen when we share the lesson! They participate in discussion! They listen when other girls are talking! They ask questions! They share! They don’t have to be first when the snacks come out! They help serve instead!!! :) It is sooooo incredibly awesome!

God is soooooooooooo good! :)

Babies are fun!

I started helping with the nursery on Sunday mornings.

I work (for my job) from 6A-9A. Jump in the shower the minute I get off work, and Davis and I walk out the door to head to church at 9:35. We are there by 10 to get him signed in for The Journey, and then I head into the 10:15 service. I work the 12p service in the Flamingo room! :) During that service, the Flamingos and the Hippos are combined, so we have babies 0-18months! :) And they are absolutely precious, and soooo much fun! :)

I am also babysitting on my day off most weeks for a couple that is in Sharon and David’s LifeGroup (Sharon disciples Laura, David disciples Christen, and Laura is my coworker in the nursery on Sunday mornings! Small world? :)). Miss Caroline is 3 and is absolutely adorable, and baby Aubrey will be 8 months tomorrow! :)

In Other News…

God is moving! He is working all in me! Breaking down and rebuilding! It’s crazy! :) But it is awesome! The last two weeks have been mind-blowing in the intensity in which He has been throwing stuff at me! I have gotten amazing words of prophecy spoken into me, speaking on my future.

At the end of LifeGroup, we break up into groups of 2-3 (girls with girls, guys with guys) to pray for one another. The first Wednesday night I went to this LifeGroup, a girl named Candice (she is one of the 4 leaders) prayed with me. And two weeks ago, she bee lined for me as soon as we were released to break into groups, and told me that she had to pray with me. Needless to say, where this would have freaked me out 6 months ago, it is common occurrence now :), so we just sank to the floor and began talking. She started telling me how as she was watching me during worship, God spoke to her so strongly to come and encourage me. She spoke exactly what I had been feeling, but had not shared with anyone! (Oooooh! He’s good! :) ) Then she told me that the reason I feel like I finally get a grip on one thing, only to find myself having to work on another area, is not because I’ll never be good enough, or that I am so utterly broken I’m never going to be able to be used, but because God is putting me through boot-camp! She said that she knows that everyone has a call on their life, but she said that she could sense such an overwhelming sense of God’s presence on my life, and that He was telling her that I was going through boot-camp, because He was going to use me in a mighty way, and He needed me to get ready sooner, rather than later! Holy cow! Talk about having your world turned upside down!!! I had arrived at LifeGroup feeling battered and bruised, as I had been intensely experiencing things that week, and had been dealing with lots of heart matters. I was feeling like I might as well give up, because it didn’t seem to matter what I did, as soon as one thing seemed to get “fixed,” another area to be fixed was right on its’ tail. I even said to myself that very day, “Vanessa, you’ll never be good enough to do anything huge for God, because you’re too broken.” (Yes. I know. Sometimes I forget who my heavenly daddy is! That was one of those times!) And then for Him to come and have her speak so mightily into me! Using my own words to myself to show me just how big He is!

Over the two weeks since then, He has continued to rock my world!

Just last night, I get this text from a friend:Vanessa, I was praying for you and felt like God said that your love for Him, plus your openness to Him moving, equals healing His way and His timing. For no other reason than He just loves you.”

Whoa! Come on now! :) How good is my God??? :)

Healing and discipleship…

At the beginning of October, I began to get icky sick. I was extremely congested, coughed all the time, could not breathe through my nose. I was absolutely miserable. It was like every sinus infection I have ever had (and I’ve had a ton) had united together and decided to attack me all at once!

I was not sleeping worth anything, because when I did try to sleep, I couldn’t lie down, because if I did I either felt like I was choking, or going to stop breathing, or my poor nose was running uncontrollably. It was quite miserable. I was taking every over the counter medicine I could find. Eating cough drops like they were candy. Chloraseptic drops were my best friend, as they allowed my throat to be numb enough for me to talk for 8hrs so I could continue working. :)

This went on for about two weeks, and one Wednesday night at LifeGroup, I had to leave and go walk outside during the prayer, cause I had gotten so hot, and had started coughing and couldn’t stop. All that day, I had felt like I was in a fog. I couldn’t see clearly and I felt like an elephant was sitting on me. My head was killing me and I was just generally feeling like poopy. But I went on to LifeGroup, cause I really didn’t want to miss it! As I was driving Samantha to her LifeGroup (I drop her off at her junior high LifeGroup each Wednesday, before I head to mine.), I was just praying that God would get us there safely. Cause it sure wasn’t going to be me getting us there safely. My vision was blurred, and I was freezing and burning up all at the same time.
I dropped her off, and headed on over to my LifeGroup. When I got there, I went in and Amanda saw me and opened her arms to hug me “hello” and I just collapsed into her. I was exhausted. She immediately started praying for me, that I would feel better, and that God would give me a special touch.

LifeGroup started, and she sat really close to me – I think she was afraid I was going to fall out. We all stood up to commission our new leaders (they had been interns, and were becoming full blown leaders), and the more they prayed, the weaker my knees got, the hotter I became, and the worse my coughing got. I eventually broke away from the pack and went outside. My world was spinning, and I wasn’t exactly sure what I was going to do. I just wanted to get home, and be in my bed. I turned around to go inside and get my stuff, and when I did, everyone was coming outside. I didn’t know what was going on, but I really didn’t care. I walked back in, grabbed my stuff, and headed outside. I was almost to the curb, and Ed (one of the leaders) stopped me to ask if I would like to pair up with a girl who had never been there before (#1 I didn’t know her; #2 I didn’t know what we were pairing off for; #3 I just wanted to go home). I was just standing there staring at him, when Amanda put her hand on my back, and asked if I was ok. I turned around, and fell into her arms again. By this time, I was crying, and for those of you who know me well, that is not normal behavior for me when I’m not feeling well, but especially not over a “sinus infection.” She was just holding me and rubbing my back. I was trying to tell her that Ed wanted me to go somewhere with somebody, and I just wanted to go home. She was praying, and all of a sudden yelled, “Ashley! Please come over here!” I didn’t know what was going on, and I really didn’t care. So somebody came up behind me and Amanda started telling her what was going on. Then she asked me to tell her exactly where I was hurting and what it felt like. I tried to lift my head to look at her and I couldn’t even do that. It felt so heavy. So I just kept my eyes closed and my head on Amanda’s shoulder and told her as best I could what had been going on. She started praying, commanding healing to come into my body. She was naming every body part that had to do with my respiratory system, and even prayed for the healing of the skin under my nose where it was so raw from blowing it so much. As she was praying, I stopped coughing!!! I felt a shift in my breathing – my mouth was closed!!! And I was breathing out my nose!!! My tears stopped flowing!!! And then I started to feel cooler!!! And then my head began to feel lighter!!! I opened my eyes to test them out, and the world wasn’t spinning!!!
Ashley was still praying, Amanda was praising God – cause she could feel the changes in my breathing and body temperature even before I told her anything, because she was right against me!

Then Ashley came around in front of me and asked me how I was feeling. I lifted my head off Amanda’s shoulder and told her of all the changes I was feeling! Then I reached up and touched the skin under my nose, and it was silky smooth!!! :) I was still a little raspy, but I was sooooooooo much better!!!

We went back on inside, and continued on with LifeGroup, after we told everybody what had happened, and praised God for all He had done. As LifeGroup got started back up, I started getting warm again, and then the coughing started up. As soon as we were released to get into our small groups, I gathered my stuff and headed for the door. I figured I had started coughing because it was hot, so I just needed to get back outside! As I was walking out the door, Ashley touched my arm and asked if she could come too – she said that she felt like God was telling her that there was more healing to be done! I of course told her to please come! And out we went!

Sidenote…

Ashley is another connection that goes round and round. Ashley is Amanda’s roommate. She moved here from Dalls to go to Elevate, and is in Elevate PM with Sharon and David. Sharon has gotten to know her very well, and had shared some of Ashley’s story with us one night at supper a couple of week’s before this. She had gone on the Juarez ’08 trip, and she had been baptized in the Spirit there. She had an AMAZING story about that that I could possibly get her to type up so I can send it on sometime. But basically, her gift is healing, and the Spirit manifests itself in her through a tremble. Depending on the depth of the healing, it can be controlled to just her hand, or her entire body can be in convulsions.

The night she prayed for me, her left hand and arm were shaking like crazy! :) Oooooh! He’s good! :)

Back to the story…

We got outside, and she began to tell me that the Spirit was not finished healing, because she was still shaking – it was at this point that I made all the connections and realized who she was.

She began just talking to me, asking some questions, and I began to pour my heart out to her.

Basically, what we figured out – or rather, what God allowed us to see – is that I had started with a normal, run of the mill sinus infection, and Satan had worsened it and used it to trap me. I had been really getting close to God, and was getting up super, duper early to do my quiet times, and they were being so fruitful right before my sinus infection started, then all of a sudden, it started getting all kinds of worse and I couldn’t even focus. When I did my quiet time I’d read the same sentence 20 times and finally give up. It was so frustrating. As we talked, and realized what was going on, she began to command Satan to leave my body, and to get away from me,

Then she started asking more questions, and said that she felt like God was telling me that there were some areas of unforgiveness in my past. She began to pray for me, and as she prayed, my mouth opened and started talking – 95% of the stuff that was coming out of my mouth I had never even thought of! I didn’t even realize it was stuff that had been in my heart, because I never even think about it! I was squalling and praying and releasing it, and it was sooooo cleansing!

When we finished I felt significantly better, but there was still a little bit of wheezing and a small cough.

Amanda, Ashley and I went to IHOP for a very late dinner and a little girl talk. We had an amazing time, and I felt an instant connection to Ashley.

That night I slept better than I had since the entire thing had started, but when I woke up the next morning, I was coughing a little bit more than I had been when I went to bed. By Friday morning, I was back to coughing the way I had been before LifeGroup on Wednesday and my ribs felt like they were on fire, but that was all – I didn’t have any of the other horrible stuff.

It was Halloween – the day Sharon and David were to leave for their Fall Outreach to Austin. And I was off work, so Sharon and I were cleaning the house. Since Elevate had been the night before, Sharon had stopped in the doorway to Davis’ room and was telling me about class (she always catches me up on their classes the day after! I feel like I am getting a small taste of what they’re getting!). She was talking about this man’s church that was just blowing wide open with healings off HUGE sizes taking place (cancer gone, paralytics healed, blind to see, etc). She said that she was sooooo pumped up, and that as she had been grocery shopping that morning, she kept asking God to send her somebody that she could pray for healing for! She walked through the entire grocery store, and didn’t see someone with as much as a sniffle! She was a little disappointed, but was still incredibly excited about that weekend, and new that God was going to do great healings in Austin. She left the room, and we went on about our cleaning.

After we were finished, I was in my room getting Davis’ birthday boxes prepared, and she came to my door and told me she had to repent. I asked her what in the world for, and she told me that she was so ashamed, because she had been praying at WalMart for God to give her someone to pray healing over, and there was someone in her own house that needed healing. So she asked forgiveness and then asked for permission to pray healing. Of course I told her to go right ahead! She began to pray, and as she did I stopped coughing, and then God revealed more of my picture.

A Picture’s Worth a Thousand Words…

I don’t know whether I have shared my picture with you or not, and I am realizing that this newsletter is getting incredibly long, but it is kind of important for me to take a moment to explain the picture before I go any further.

When we first moved here, it seemed like everywhere I went, people were talking about getting pictures. I was intrigued, and finally asked Sharon what they were talking about. She explained that sometimes instead of God just giving us a thought, or speaking to us with words, He gives us pictures. I thought that sounded pretty awesome, so I decided I wanted a picture.

For three weeks after my conversation with her, I would lie in bed at night begging for God to give me a picture. I would beg until I cried, and then I would cry until I fell asleep from exhaustion.

Finally, one night I just got mad. I let God know that He could just keep his pictures, because I wasn’t going to beg for them anymore. I was finished. He could just keep using words, and give His pictures to everybody else. And in that moment, I let it go and didn’t think another thing about it.

About two months after that, I was lying in bed and could not go to sleep. I had done as Sharon had suggested earlier in the summer, and prayed and asked if there was something I needed to be praying for, or if there was something I needed to read, or do. But I was getting no answers. It was round about 4:30A, and I was starting to get upset, because I had to be up at 5:30 for work. I was lying there just praying that I could go to sleep, and that the hour of sleep I would get would feel like 10!

Then, it happened! I got my picture! And the funniest part is, until it was over, I didn’t even realize I had gotten it!

I was sitting on grass in front of a wooden bench, and there were wooden blocks (the old timey ones that have the colored outline around the edge on all 6 sides, and have a letter in the middle) with words on them that I couldn‘t make out, as far as the eye could see. I was feeling completely overwhelmed, cause I knew I was supposed to build with the blocks, but there were just so many of them, and I had no idea where to begin. Out of the corner of my right eye, I saw someone on the bench – well, I only saw their leg from the knee down, covered in a white robe, and their hand resting atop their knee. He silently slid off the bench and sat cross-legged next to me. Then He took His hands, and pushed the blocks back, clearing a space right in front of us. He began reaching all into the blocks, searching for just the right ones, and laid them down side by side in a very large square in front of us. When He finished, He sat back, patted my knee, and then waved his hand across the square of blocks. I began to be able to read the words on them and each block said “My Word.” He said, “Vanessa. My Word is to be your foundation. Don’t worry about any of the other blocks until your foundation is secure.”

And then it was over as quickly as it had started. I was just lying in my bed, thinking over it all
when it hit me that I had gotten my picture! I jumped out of bed, and started jumping up and down and dancing around the room! :) I would have been screaming and singing too, but it was 4:30A and everyone else was asleep! :)

Back to the story…

So…Sharon is praying for my healing, my coughing has stopped and I’m breathing normally, and then God adds to my picture!

I’m back on the grass, and He is still sitting cross-legged right beside me. He nods His head (almost as if to say, “It’s time.”) and begins to reach back into the pile of blocks, taking out certain ones from all around us, and building another layer on top of the “My Word” layer (well, it was one block in on each side – as if it will eventually turn into a squared off pyramid as we keep building). This time when He sat back finished, and waved His hand over the blocks, each one of them said “Trust.” He said, “My Vanessa. Do you trust me to heal you? More importantly, do you trust me with your hurt? Do you trust me with your disappointment? Do you trust me with your future? I am trustworthy. When you fully trust, you will be boundless, and we will walk hand in hand through everything that is to come. Just let go, and accept my healing, and everything else I have to offer.”

Needless to say, that absolutely broke my heart, and humbled me right down to my toes. It just never ceases to amaze me – though it shouldn’t surprise me so, because it is the very nature of God – that He always speaks right into the heart of my pain and brokenness, but does it in such a gentle way, so as not to cause further damage. He is all about the restorative! And I am all about receiving his restoration! :)

So. After that prayer, and that final touch of humility and healing, I have been right as rain! :)
He is sooooooooooooooo good! :)

What the Future Holds…

Now don’t get too excited, because I don’t have any definite answers on anything! :) But I have had several people in the last few weeks prophecy over me as to what God is doing in me right now, and have been allowed to feel His presence and His peace through the words He is allowing other people to speak into my life.

I already told you about the word on the boot-camp, and that God has something for me that He is intensely preparing me for.

Another word was that the desire I have for a husband and a family is not just something I have cooked up. It is a desire that God Himself put in my heart, and He will bring it to fulfillment in His time. He is repairing the brokenness, and making me completely whole in Him.

Some realizations……

I was instant messaging a friend from home last night, and had the opportunity to type out a lot of what has been going on in my mind and heart in the last several months. So I am going to try to piece together my side of the conversation, so you can see some of what all is going on! :)

I was speaking to them about how awesome life gets when you just begin to let go. How everything changes inside you. How your perspective changes, and life becomes so different.

The first topic was hurt.

You know what's awesome though? When you begin to truly rely on God, making Him first and everything else secondary, the hurt isn't nearly as bad. It isn't a knife any more, it is just a tiny bee sting. Cause He takes it for you. When He is your savior, you should accept (although sometimes, like in my case it took me forever to accept it!) that not only did He die and take all your sins to the cross with Him, but He also died and took all of your pain, fear, rejection, and hurt with Him as well. We don’t bear it alone.

The thing I have learned the most, is that until I die to self (and it is a daily, sometimes hourly or even moment by moment choice!) , He still loves me, because I'm His, but there isn't a lot of fruit being produced in and around my life. When I was back home, and I was living strictly for my pleasure, and my gain, none of this stuff (prophecy into my life, words of knowledge, pictures, etc) was happening. But now that I have surrendered, great things are happening frequently! People didn't have words for me back home, because God gave me the freedom to choose, and I wasn't choosing the path that was leading for His fulfillment of His plan for my life – I was just living life my way. When you finally let go and let Him have all the power over your life [that’s when you will be able to experience true joy.]

And then I began to talk about how I have learned to let go, and how it felt when I first started trying to let go.

It is scary as all get out, but in the end, it is so much better than anything you could have created for yourself. We can't let go, until we allow Him to take the reigns Then, only with His help, are we able to fully release. You can't be logical about it. That is another thing He has been pounding into my head all summer! And I think I am finally getting it.

Then I pulled out the scripture that God has been using to really work on my heart.

”For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom His whole family in heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of His glorious riches He may strengthen you with power through His Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know that love that surpasses knowledge - that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us, to Him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever! Amen." ~Ephesians 3:14-21

The reason I was first led to these verses, was because people kept praying over me when I first got here - those that knew me, and those that had never met me before praying for me - the verses of "to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ." When I went searching for those, I found the rest of the prayer.

This summer, the focus of our family devoted times was the Holy Spirit, and I will openly admit, that until I started going to The Lord's Vineyard, and when I moved here, I had never really been presented with much knowledge about the Holy Spirit. When I got saved, I was told He was living inside me, but I really didn't have a clue what that meant.

As we began to look into all of that, my knowledge of the Holy Spirit grew, and I was so excited to know that I had all of Him in me!

The first scriptures we read when we started looking at the Holy Spirit in our family devoted times was the account of Jesus’ baptism in Luke 3, where the Holy Spirit descended on him like a dove.

Then going on in Luke 4:1 “Jesus full of the Holy Spirit, returned from the Jordan and was led by the Spirit…”

And finally, Luke 4:18 when he reads the scroll of the prophet Isaiah – “The Spirit of the Lord is on me, because He has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim freedom to the prisoners and recovery of sight for the blind, to release the oppressed…”

Ok now! If that Spirit that is being talked about in Isaiah, is the same one that is in Jesus, and allows Him to do everything He did during His ministry on earth – lame to walk, blind to see, dead to rise, etc. Then why on earth aren’t we all doing more for the kingdom of God?!?!?! His Spirit is in US!!! There is NOTHING we cannot do with His Spirit inside us! If we will believe, and begin to walk as closely with God as Jesus did – hearing his constant voice and following His leading, then we too could make the lame walk, the blind see, and we could even make the dead rise – All through the power of the Spirit inside us!!! Jesus couldn’t do it without Him, so we can’t either! But once we grasp what a power is lying dormant in us, just waiting for us to acknowledge it so it can burst forth, then AWESOME things begin to occur!!! :)

Now to track back, if you will remember with me, that I thought I had gotten saved when I was 8, during Sunday School, but I was not truly saved until I was 19.

So during devotions, we all talked about our salvation experiences, and then we talked about what the Bible says happens after salvation. And that's when it got hard. It was so far beyond anything I had ever been taught, or could understand. I kept trying to make everything fit into a box, and it just wouldn't go in it! Then I tried to analyze and completely understand all I was learning. And I just couldn't!

It hasn't been until the last couple of weeks, when I have been focusing on these verses, and God has been speaking to me strongly through the words "surpasses knowledge," that I have really begun to get it.

God surpasses my knowledge. He is supernatural! I CANNOT understand Him fully! This side of Heaven, I will only get rare glimpses of anything larger than a morsel of understanding of His full kingdom! In order to live the life of freedom I am finding, I just have to have faith! I have to believe that He loves me unconditionally - another thing that has been incredibly hard for me to accept - and that He truly does want what's best for my life - even if it isn't what I think would be best!

Once I realized this, I slowly began to uncurl my fingers from the reigns. One knuckle at a time I began to let go. And I began noticing that the more I relaxed my grip, the more people were speaking into me. The more I was hearing from God myself. And the more peace I was finding every day. Then I began noticing that my reactions to things were changing. My attitude toward life and other people was changing. The way I held myself, thought about myself, and treated myself began to change. The way I thought about others began to change. It wasn't an overnight thing, but a gradual one. When other people began to tell me that they were noticing a change, I knew something was really going on.

There are days I royally mess up. Days where I yank back the reigns, and hold on for all I'm worth. There are days when I fight with God, and try to tell Him what needs to happen. Inevitably He wins, and inevitably I am better off for Him winning.

I am so blessed on the days that I am obedient. But thank God! He allows me to learn, and to be blessed even win I am disobedient!

The other verses I have really been focusing on this summer have been Psalm 139 and Psalm 103.

They are powerful and humbling. The glory of God is so overwhelming...and at the same time, He just loves us. Just loves us for us. Exactly as we are. Even in our filth. Even when we are being nasty and completely out of the plans He has for us. He still loves us, and He still wants the best for our lives. All we have to do is reach out to Him, and ask Him to help us let go of the reigns!

Wow…

This is incredibly long and I am sorry! But I think you are caught up now! :) I love you!