Me...

This "note" was written on Facebook Wednesday, February 28th, 2007...

It is such a perfect picture of where my heart was back then, I couldn't help but include it in the blog... :) And once I finally get to catch you all up, it will make even more sense! :) To see just exactly how far God has brought me! :)


Ok...I'm writing this in an attempt to sort through my rambling thoughts and emotions...

I am beginning to believe that I am meant to be single. I have been observing myself as of late, and I have found, that for me to ever be in a committed relationship with anyone is going to take a significant amount of work on God's part. I am too stubborn. Too independent. Too "stay out of my business." Too picky. Too analytical. Basically, too...me.I have a pattern. If you know me well, you will agree with this - I had not seen it, or realized it, until my mama and my aunt lovingly pointed it out to me!I am utterly TERRIFIED of committment. I read all the romances. Watch all the "lovey dovey" movies. Dream about having one of those "happily ever after" romances. But when it comes down to acting on any of those feelings, anything more than surface actions, I flip out!

Dynamic #1: Other than my mama, I have never had to answer to anyone (yes, I know I answer to God, but I am talking about answering to those mere earthlings that walk with me on this journey through life). I didn't have to answer to my daddy. I didn't have to check in with ten people before doing anything. Because Mama and Daddy were divorced, she didn't have to check in with anybody either, so we always just picked up and did whatever, at only a moment's notice.So...with that picture painted, is it easier to understand why I get all weird whenever someone starts wanting to know where I am, who I'm with, where I'm going, what my plans are for the day/week/month, etc? It isn't like I have anything to hide, it is just that I have never had anybody question me like that. I have always freely given Mama information as to my whereabouts, so I've never had to feel as if I am being interrogated by her! So, when someone starts all that up, I run as fast as I can in the opposite direction.

Dynamic #2: I'm way too analytical and honest. Mama is always saying, "You have to play the game." And I always say, "No thanks." My theory is such that if it is "meant to be," it will be and obviously, it has not been "meant to be" yet. So, to get a "man worth keeping," I should not have to "play a game"-all that should have ended in elementary school. She also tells me that I should never tell a guy exactly what I'm doing, or who I'm doing it with, or what I'm going to be doing-"keep it a mystery!" I DO NOT CARE ABOUT BEING "MYSTERIOUS"! I only care about being ME!

Dynamic #3: I am a BIG TIME family person. Mama and I go out to eat supper with Papa and Nanny every Friday night, and then go back to their house to play games (cards and dominos). We eat Sunday dinner with Papa, Nanny, and my aunt Marcia every Sunday afternoon. My extended family celebrates all our birthdays, and all holidays together. I always have been, and always will be, at anything (events, plays, ball games, etc.) that any of my family members are in. Samantha (she will be 11 in April) and Davis (he turned 7 in November) are the "baby" grandchildren, and feel way more like my niece and nephew than they do my cousins. The world stops - barring medical emergency, or job conflict - when they are involved in any extra-curricular activity that requires an audience (and even some that don't...) - the whole family shows up. I see my tight-knit family as a blessing and a thing to be treasured. Most everyone else sees it as stupid and silly - I have been made fun of way more than once for talking about my family and about doing things with them.

Dynamic #4: I am an extremely boring person. I don't care about going out to clubs, parties, bars, etc. I don't care about spending hundreds of dollars to eat at the best restaurant in Atlanta. I don't care about always having to be doing something.I love to be at home. Reading a book. Watching a movie I've seen ten times before. Writing out my feelings on paper like I am doing now (this will be typed up later). Cooking. Hanging out with my family. Hanging out with Samantha and Davis. Baby-sitting my babies from church. Sitting around having "meaningful conversation" - as my aunt Sharon calls it - with my loved ones! That is what makes life special! That is what makes life mean something!!!

Dynamic #5: I am involved in church. I love, love, love to be there! I am soooooo totally excited now that we are having church on Sunday nights too, and I am getting to go into church (I am in the nursery on Sunday mornings)! I love the music! I love the preacher! I love worshipping with my brothers and sisters in Christ! It is AWESOME!However, I am beginning to believe that all the "good", Christian guys have all been snatched up. It is a rare occasion (at least in my experience) to meet a guy that just jumps at the chance to sit down and have a long talk about how awesome God is...They want to do everything but talk about God.

So...for these reasons, and a whole list of others not included here, I am beginning to believe that I am meant to be single...