The beat of my heart...

A lot has happened since my last blog. Some that I can expound on, some that I cannot. I have learned a few things quite well over the last two weeks:

1 - Life is completely unpredictable
2 - There are many people that care
3 - It's healthy to grieve
4 - I am going to be ok
5 - Healing is happening
6 - I can't change the past, and I can't predict the future...I just have to live fully in every single second of the present
7 - I am a work of God - knowing that, I also fully understand now that I will never be completely whole and pain free until Heaven. There will be days when memories of the past will so overwhelm me that I will crumble beneath them, and there are days when I will long for His promises of my future to be fulfilled quicker than they seem to be. However, I believe with all my heart that the tears will lessen over time, the pain will change from a searing pain to a dull ache and I will be able to go through one whole day, then one whole week, then one whole month, without having to relive any of it.
8 - I will be used fully to enhance the Kingdom of God - not in spite of all of my baggage, but because of it! Praise God!!! :)

THE SHACK
by William P Young

First off, if you haven't read The Shack, get a copy of it and read it as soon as possible! It will turn your world upside down if you'll allow it!

As a funny sidenote, this book has been chasing me for a while, and finally caught me! :) Mama got it for us right when it first came out. I began to read it, but didn't get more than a couple of chapters down before I gave up because I thought it was about the strangest book I'd ever put my hands on. Then for this past birthday, the family (Sharon, David, Samantha and Davis) got it for me, because Sharon had heard such great things about it, and she knows how I love to read. So, in the interest of trying to embrace and appreciate a gift from people I care about, I started it again. I stopped in about the same place as I did the first time - maybe not even that far... - and decided that the people reviewing that book must have all lost their minds. Then a friend from here came back from Spring Break having read it on the plane flight back from Florida, and was raving about how good it was. So I just asked her exactly why she thought it was a good book, and explained to her how far I had gotten, and why I had stopped each time. She told me that I absolutely had to read it, and that I needed to read and take in the first part because it was essential to the story, but that I just needed to suck it up and push on through it. So I did. And I've never been so glad that I did. :)

This book opened up my mind, but more importantly, my heart. It shows an amazingly clear picture of the Trinity, and just exactly what God had in mind when He created man. The relationship that He so longs to have with us. And it also allowed me to see into the heart of God. To fully realize that every person ever created is a child of God - the "good" people and the evil people...and He loves us all completely, fully and unconditionally.

Oh! Just typing about it makes me want to get it out and read it again right now! :) Go get it and read it ASAP! :D

PS - I read this book the Friday morning before I found out about Daddy remarrying. Having the thoughts in my heart and mind from this book helped carry me through that and helped me keep everything in perspective as I waded through my emotions and feelings surrounding that day.

CAPTIVATING
by John and Stasi Eldredge

The second "life-altering" book that's been presented to me in less than a month! As I was talking to a friend of mine here (she's the mama to one of the boys that plays soccer on Davis' team - we got really close last season, and have continued to get together for lunch and such since), and she said that she had a book she wanted me to read. She is the one that had encouraged me to read The Shack when I finally did, so I figured she'd know a good book for me, and eagerly accepted it when she passed it on to me two weeks ago at the soccer game. I hadn't had any down time to start reading it, until last Wednesday night after I got Samantha home from her youth group.

Sidenote - that day was also the day I found out that Daddy has diabetes, looks very sickly, is moving to Florida with his new wife in two weeks, and never intended for us to know. Let's suffice it to say that Wednesday was an extremely hard day.

So I got home that night and decided I would escape in a book. I picked Captivating up, and instead of escaping, I hit the wall head on. But it was magnificent! I have found out so many things about myself while reading this book! It has been such an amazing experience! I immediately called Mama to tell her that that is what I wanted for my "Easter basket!" :) All I wanted was a copy of my very own that I could make notes in and hi-light and cry over and rejoice over and underline and read over, and over and over again! :)

Maybe one day, after the healing from these current days is complete, I'll share with you all, all the things God has shown me in the last week...right now I'm still a little tender. But know, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that not only is He working in me and on me, but that we aren't working with bandaids! He is scraping off scabs, and digging deep to find the true source of each and every wound, and we're rebuilding from there. It has been extremely painful, and extremely magnificent.

The one thing I will share, is that God has clearly told me that I am to start calling Him "Daddy." For now, my earthly father is out of my life (by his choosing) and He has shown me that the only way to begin dealing with these wounds is to allow it all to go to Him. He wants to be my Daddy. So I'm gonna let Him. :) Fully and completely. So from here on out, when I say "Daddy," I'll be referring to my REAL Daddy! :) The one that loves me unconditionally, and FOREVER!!! The One that will NEVER leave me, and NEVER forsake me! The One that is a father to the fatherless! The One that has my name written on the palm of His hand! The One that knew me before I was in Mama's womb! The One that thought of me before He even created the world! And the One that had me on His mind when He was taking His last breaths on that cross! The One that loves me for all I am - broken, bleeding, and bandaged! The One that wants to bear it all for me! And the one that rejoices over me with singing! :) The One that made me to worship Him with every part of me and every breath I breathe! The One that has given me gifts and talents that He sees as creative and beautiful, even when no one else does! The One that loves me with all He is, and all He has! The One who created me! :)

Praise the Lord!

Praise the Lord, O my soul; all my inmost being, praise His holy name.
Praise the Lord, O my soul; and forget not all His benefits -
Who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases
Who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion,
Who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.
The Lord works righteousness and justice for all the oppressed.
He made known His ways to Moses, His deeds to the people of Israel:
The Lord is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love.
He will not always accuse, nor will he harbor his anger forever;
He does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities.
For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is His love for those who fear Him;
As far as the east is from the west, so far has He removed our transgressions from us.
As a father has compassion on his children, so the Lord has compassion on those who fear Him;
For He knows how we are formed, He remembers that we are dust.
As for man, his days are like grass, he flourishes like a flower of the field;
The wind blows over it and it is gone, and its place remembers it no more.
But from everlasting to everlasting the Lord's love is with those who fear Him, and His righteousness with their children's children-with those who keep His covenant and remember to obey His precepts.
The Lord has established His throne in heaven, and His kingdom rules over all.
Praise the Lord, you His angels, you mighty ones who do His bidding, who obey His word.
Praise the Lord, all His heavenly hosts, you His servants who do His will.
Praise the Lord, all His works everywhere in His dominion. Praise the Lord, O my soul.
~Psalm 103

I sit here smiling at the screen on my laptop, as if I am sitting right in front of each one of you sharing all that has been happening in the last two weeks! My heart has been ripped to shreds, but He is reigning victorious! He is stronger! (Which reminds me of the song that has been in my heart through it all! Check it out! The link's below! I found the video that has the lyrics on the screen so you can clearly know exactly what the words are, and you can understand why it has had such a grasp on me!:) )

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sv55FMjeMV0

What I would like to try to clarify for any of you who might have been unfortunate enough to encounter me while I was in the bottom of the pit, is what was on my heart. I was having an extremely difficult time accepting that this might truly be the end final end of my relationship on this earth with my earthly father. My heart was broken. Completely and totally. I was bleeding. And I was grieving.

Many well meaning people, not wanting to just say nothing when they heard of what was going on, wanted to respond with "church answers" (truth, but churchy none the less...) - "Vanessa, God is the father you father never was." "Vanessa, take this to God, he'll hold you and comfort you." God is your comfort." "God is your provider." "God is the ultimate father." "I'll pray for you to have strength in the days to come." "Some people never even knew their fathers."

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Finally, I decided that I would just stop being honest with people when they said, "How are you?" or "Vanessa, are you ok?" or "Your eyes look swollen...have you been crying?" Because I just knew beyond the shadow of a doubt if ONE MORE PERSON gave me ONE MORE WELL MEANING RESPONSE, I was going to give them one well meaning bonk on the end of their nose! :P (Ok...probably wouldn't have really bonked anyone...but I probably would have just let out a scream from the very depths of the very bottom of my soul!)

As I told Mama, and as God confirmed for me, I just wanted to get it off me! I needed to share the burden. I needed to tell people what was going on. I needed to have people rally around me and hold me up! But I didn't need them to try and "fix it." I wanted someone that would just listen, and when I finished say, "You know what Vanessa? That just sucks." I wanted someone that would listen, and as I cried through it, they would cry with me. I wanted someone that wouldn't even ask me what was going on, but would instead just wrap me in a hug and hold me while I cried. I wanted someone that would go outside with me and scream at the top of their lungs with me. I wanted someone that would see that I had been sad, and would say or do something completely goofy just to take my mind off of it and make me laugh. As I have said many times in the last two weeks, it isn't my knowledge (head or heart) of God that has been hurt, it was that place in my heart that every girl has...the hole that is only for her earthly father...that hole in my heart that has always had a hope that one day it would be able to be filled, but the hole that laid gaping open last Wednesday, weeping and bleeding, knowing that that time has passed, and without much change on his heart from the only One that can truly change him, that time will never come on this earth.

So...I hope that helps clear up any questions or concerns any of you might have had as to my response as things have been progressing around here lately... :) Know that I love you and appreciate everything you feel and do for me! And I appreciate all of the love, care and concern you have shown me. You are in my heart! Forever! :)

Ok...this has gotten kind of long... :) But you all know me well, and know that I'm long winded! So there! :)

Love you!
~Vanessa

PS - Be praying for me, please. There are some decisions to be made, and just some clarity that I'm waiting on. (It is nothing bad! I promise!)

PSS - Thank you to those of you who have already planned trips to come visit me this summer while Spooky and I are all alone! :( And for those of you who are waiting for an invitation, consider this it! :) I'd love to have any and all of you come see me! :) There are still days/weeks that are open, and just waiting to be filled! :) So come on! :) Just let me know the dates before you make definite plans so we can avoid double booking! :D

There's a lot to this little sign... :)

Ok...when I was 10 or 11, my aunt Diane got me started on the Christy Miller series of books by Robin Jones Gunn. She got me the first four books in the series for part of my Christmas that year, and I read them all that night after we got home, refusing to go to bed until I had finished them all. As soon as stores were open the day after Christmas, I had Mama calling to order the rest of the series for me! Those went into the Sierra Jensen series, Todd and Christy The College Years, and now she is writing the Katie Weldon series (yes, I am just as excited about them now as I was that first Christmas Eve when I got my hands on book one! :) ). The characters have grown, matured and changed as I have, and I have thoroughly enjoyed growing with them! :) (I'm going to stop now, so you all won't think me completely crazy...lol)

Anyway, in these books, when something significant happens, they always put their hand on the person's forehead, and give the blessing, "May the Lord bless you and keep you, may He make His face shine upon you." I fell in love with it the first time I ever read it, and had no idea it was a Bible verse!

So, fast forward to last year when we got to the end of our very first service at The Lord's Vineyard. I was already very impressed with the church, but that was only our first time going, and we hadn't gone anywhere else yet to compare, so I was still open to checking out other options. Anyway, Pastor Wes came to the end of the service and said, "Can I bless you?" to the congregation. Now I didn't know what in the world he was talking about, but everybody was smiling and blessings are supposed to be good, so I was going with it. Then he opened his mouth and said, "May the Lord bless you and keep you. The Lord make His face shine on you and be gracious to you. The Lord turn His face toward you and give you..." And everyone said, "Peace!"

At this point, I knew this was my church! But as I looked at Pastor Wes, I just couldn't picture him sitting in his living room, in a big overstuffed chair, cuddled up reading the Christy Miller series and falling in love with this blessing as I had! :) So I went home and googled it and found it in Numbers 6:24-26! :)

Last week, I had to go to our local Christian bookstore to pick up a book to send to a friend. Anyway, as I was there, I decided to just do a little browsing, as I had never really looked anywhere but at the book section before! I walked around the first corner of the "knick knack" section, and there, right in the middle of the wall, with about 30 other framed things around it was the plaque in the picture above! :) And as clearly as I saw that plaque, I could see it hanging above a crib in my future nursery! :) It came home with me that day! And it is now hanging above my dresser! A daily reminder of the promise God intended with that blessing, and a daily reminder of a church full of people that love me back home! :)

I love you all! :)

It's not over...til it's over...

I've been writing this blog in my head for a few days now... I just didn't know where to begin. I thought of starting at the beginning, but couldn't really find where that was... Then I thought of beginning at the end, and that's when I realized that it's not over. It's FAR from over (or at least I hope it's far...lol)

You see, Friday night it was confirmed that Daddy has remarried (third wife...at least I only know of three...lol). Let me make it very clear up front that it does not bother me that he's married - I just feel sorry for the woman - it's simply the significance that is marked by the fact that he's married, and yet I didn't find it out from him...but through family that heard it through someone at church, because he happened to marry one of her relatives. Yeah. Twisted, I know.

March 14th marked the one year mark from the day I called Daddy and left him upteen messages pouring my heart and soul out to him. Ok...I think that I already wrote this pretty well the other day in an email I sent a friend after I heard the news. The email went as follows:

I know today's news probably shouldn't have bothered me at all...but I guess this was just a bad week for it. Last Saturday was the year mark from the day I last tried to make contact - I called him and left messages, cause he didn't pick up, and offered him complete forgiveness for all he had done to me, and I asked his forgiveness for holding onto everything as long as I had. I apologized for not being the daughter he wanted, and apologized for expecting too much from him. I hadn't heard from him for 6 months before that call, and I haven't heard anything from him since.

Daddy was physically abusive toward me until I was 8, and Mama moved us out of the house he had built, and we all had shared as a "family." Instances ranged from him using his hands, fork, hairbrush and remote... But even more than the physical abuse was the emotional and mental abuse. I could never be enough for him. Ever. I made straight A's through my entire school career, graduated 13th in a class of 380 something students, with honors...and that still wasn't enough. I could have applied myself a little more - I could have been in the top 10 if I had tried a little harder!

The only times he EVER showed up to anything that I was a part of was when I was being recognized for an achievement, and being given an award! Those were the times he would actually acknowledge me, hug me, and tell people he was proud of me. But let me just be singing or acting - which were two HUGE loves of mine - and he would never show up. Then came my looks. I can't remember a time in my life that he wasn't constantly making fun of fat people (though he never directly called me fat)...his favorite saying was, "there's never a shortage." He only likes my hair long - which is probably why, even though I prefer it long as well, it is usually short. He let's me know clearly, and loudly, of his disappointment every time he sees me and my hair is short.

He claimed to be saved, but would never go to church with me, or join me in any other church functions or outings.

The only time I could get him to spend time with me was if I laid down my preferences and did what he wanted to do. The few times we've done things together, we always ate where he wanted to (and he would always order for me!), watched what he wanted to watch, went where he wanted to go, did what he wanted to do. I watched EVERY single one of the Star Wars movies just to be able to spend time with him! I went with him to the Scottish Highland games (we're apparently Scottish, and he's intensely proud of the heritage...even has the kilt and other junk to go along with it), and would wore my sash and hat with the pompom on it! Just so I could spend time with him! And he'd be proud of me because I was doing what he wanted me to!

My daddy couldn't tell you what foods I hate, what foods I love, what my favorite color is, what my dreams and hopes for the future are, what candy I like best, what drink I crave on intensely happy days, and what I crave on days when I just want to feel loved, cared for and all wrapped up. He couldn't tell you what my favorite restaurant is, or what my favorite movies are. He couldn't tell you that I absolutely love to cook, and he couldn't tell you that I love to have things neat, organized and clean, but only go into cleaning "frenzies" when something is really weighing heavy on my mind. He couldn't tell you what kind of car I drive, where I live or where I work. He couldn't tell you who my friends through school were and he couldn't tell you who they are now. He couldn't tell you who my first boyfriend was, and he couldn't tell you how my heart and soul longs to find my husband and the father of my future children now. He couldn't tell you my biggest fear, and he couldn't tell you the thing I consider to be the worst thing that ever happened to me - physically or emotionally. He couldn't tell you that my eyes change colors depending on my mood, or that I have a freckle on my bottom eye lid. He couldn't tell you that I prefer jeans to any other bottom wear on the planet, but enjoy dressing up in skirts and dresses every now and then. He couldn't tell you that I layer every top I put on. He couldn't tell you that flipflops are my favorite footwear, but that some days I just want the comfort of my tennis shoes. He couldn't tell you that I have always thought of myself as being his greatest disappointment and failure. He couldn't tell you that for years I have considered myself to be too icky to deserve anyone that could truly care about me, because of what he put me through. He couldn't tell you that I have a horrible time trusting males, because he is the male I measure all the rest against. He couldn't tell you that when I finally allow myself to get close to a guy, I immediately try to go ahead and figure out why he is going to stop wanting to be around me, so I can prepare myself in advance. He couldn't tell you that I long for the day when God will finally make all these memories so distant, and I can completely accept the man God has for me - totally allowing him to become a part of me, and to see inside me to all the hurts, disappointments and scars, and allow him to completely love me, and become my human protector and provider. He couldn't tell you that there are many nights I lie awake and wander how different I would have been if he had just truly loved me, even once. He couldn't tell you that there are still nights I cry myself to sleep, wishing I could have had the prince charming daddy that movies are made of. He couldn't tell you that even though he has hurt me more than I can even begin to put into words, that I still crave a relationship with him more than anything in this world - even more than becoming a wife and mommy.

So...there it is. I think I put it into better words that night because it was fresh on my mind. As I told Sharon (my aunt), Friday night after I got the message, I'm not upset now because I'm angry, or I'm holding onto unforgiveness toward him. I'm just hurt, and sad. Really, really sad. Because he's my daddy, and he doesn't want anything to do with me. And never really has. I know that God has blessed me with many, many people that do love me, and do want me to be a part of their lives, but for whatever reason, I just can't let him go. I do love him, with everything in me. I crave a hug from him, or even one of his nasty "potlicker" kisses. But the truth is, that I can't even remember what he looks like, and I can't hear his voice anymore.

In the movie PS I Love You, the main character loses her husband to cancer. Her mother lost her husband when the daughter was 14, because the husband decided he didn't want to be a husband and father anymore, and they never see him again. There's a moment in the movie where the daughter is getting upset with the mom and she finally tells her that she can't understand what she's feeling, because Gerry (the daughter's husband) wanted to stay, but couldn't because he died. The mother answers with, "yes! Because it's so much easier knowing that my husband chose to leave me!"

That's how I feel. My relationship (or un-relationship...however you'd like to look at it) with my father is worse than if he had passed away, because at least then there would be a finality, and there would be a very real reason as to why he wasn't in my life. But knowing that he just choosed not to be a part of my life is so much worse...

I know I'm far from having the worst parent-child relationship, and I'm not claiming to have a horrible life, but this is my blog, so I get to share what's going on with me...and here it is. For better, for worse :)

For the rest of you that aren't my daddy, know that I love you too! With all my heart! And slowly but surely, God is allowing me to come to the full realization that it is completely alright for me to let parts of my heart go with others - know that each of you reading this has a part of my heart, and I trust you completely with it. I love you more than I could ever express with words, and know that I carry you with me in my heart always.

I love you.

Here In Your Presence...

From the back:

Ms Robin, Kyilee, Rashonica

Arbrianna, KeKe

Jesus said, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them,
for the kingdom of Heaven belongs to such as these."
~Matthew 19:14

Sunday night (3/8), Robin (my Urban LifeGroup co-leader) and I had a sleepover for 4 of the girls in our LifeGroup.

We picked them up around 4:30, came back to our house (since everyone was gone for the week). I started dinner (chicken nuggets, mashed potatoes w/ gravy, corn and mac and cheese) while Robin and the girls played tag in the backyard, and Spooky sat by my feet wondering what in the world was going on, and why we had been invaded! :D Lol

We ate dinner, then went outside. We gave Spooky a bath and brushed his teeth (Cause they really wanted to brush him, dry him off and play with him :) ), and played tag a while longer, blew some bubbles, and roasted marshmallows (with wire hangers and lighters...lol).

After all that, we came in, got into our pajamas, and settled in the living room to watch High School Musical 3. Robin had been feeling kind of out of it all afternoon, and said that she had been incredibly tired and drained all day long - she had even slept 14 hours straight from Saturday night to Sunday!!!

As the movie finished and we got up to begin preparing for bed, Robin grabbed my hand and asked me if I would please pray for her. Of course I said yes, and gathered the girls around her, explaining that we were going to pray for Ms Robin. They gathered close and laid their heads over on her. I began praying, and as I started praying, and asking the Spirit to fall, I felt His presence stronger than I ever have in my life up to this point! I was in the moment and the Spirit just took over, using me as a mouthpiece, praying out what needed to be prayed over Robin.Tears were flowing silently down my cheeks, and I could hear sniffles all around me, as the girls began to cry. Then Robin began to shake and cry, and God told me to sing. I couldn't pull the tune out of my head, and couldn't remember all the words to the verse, so I ran and grabbed my laptop and pulled it up on iTunes. (The words are below, and the song is the first one playing on the blog!)

Here In Your Presence
by New Life Worship

Found in Your hands, fullness of joy
Every fear suddenly wiped away
Here in Your presence

All of my gains now fade away
Every crown no longer on display
Here in Your presence

Heaven is trembling in awe of Your wonders
The kings and their kingdom are standing amazed

Here in Your presence, we are undone
Here in Your presence, Heaven and Earth become one
Here in Your presence, all things are new
Here in Your presence, everything bows before You

Wonderful
Beautiful
Glorious
Matchless in Every Way

As it began, I started to sing with it, then about halfway through, Robin joined in. And before it was over, the girls, who had never even heard it before, were singing as well!!! As the song finished, I'm muted the computer, said a final prayer of thanksgiving for all God had done, and then opened my eyes! What a sight to behold! :D Robin, looking as if a ten thousand pound weight had been lifted off her shoulders, eyes clear and glistening with her tears! And the girls! How beautiful! Tear lines down their faces, the neckline of their shirts wet with their tears, sitting in complete silence, having no idea what was happening, but touched so deeply by the Spirit, that they couldn't help but sit quietly under the weight of all that was happening! :)

We sat quietly for a few moments, and then Robin asked the girls if they had any idea what had just happened. They shook their heads, and so we began to explain that the Spirit had come all around us - not just in us, like He is all the time because we have accepted Him as our Savior, but He came all around us! They asked us what made us all cry, and so we explained to them that when the Spirit is working in you, you can't help but respond! And that was one way that your physical self responde to His working! :) It was awesome!!! The girls were asking questions, and we were able to explain, in depth, all that had happened! (At this point, it had been about an hour and fifteen minutes since we started praying for Robin!)

We answered all of their questions, and then I asked them if we (Robin and I) could pray over each one of them. They eagerly said yes (which totally shocked us! But it shouldn't have, because God is God, and He was ALL in that night!!!), and began to "call" which placement they would have in the prayer lineup! :) It was...Arbrianna, Rashonica, Kyilee and KeKe.

Here, nearly two weeks after it took place, I cannot remember every detail of every prayer that took place that night for those girls, but I can tell you God was in every single second of that night! We would wait on God, I would begin getting a picture for them as Robin would begin to pray. When Robin finished, I would paint the picture for them (with words) and then pray over them as well. It went that way through all four of the girls, with each picture and prayer being as different as the girls themselves! They, and we, sat in awe at how truly awesome our God is, and how he had given us things to pray over the girls that they had never even let us know - it was all from God! :)

All in all, we prayed almost 3 hours, and as we had started praying over the first girl, God had told me that we were to listen to Casting Crowns "I Know You're There" after all was said and done. So when we finished, I pulled it up, and googled the lyrics so they could read them. They read along the first time, begged for it to play a second time, and then the third, fourth and fifth times were singing along with everything they had in them! What a glorious melody!!! :D

After that, we were all a bit energized, and had to get calmed down before we could even think about going to sleep! :) The girls wanted to do our hair, and I wound up with mini-braids! :P Lol

Yay for the Spirit of God raining down all in us and around us! :)

Oooooh! He's good! :)

Alone...

So, the family has packed up and headed out on the road. They left about 30 minutes ago, and will be back late on Thursday! Spooky and I are not sure about all this down time... :)

I plan on doing some serious cleaning this week, and I'm sure Spooky will get totally confused - cause he follows me EVERYWHERE I go, and switches rooms every time I do - and won't appreciate it, but I hope to have the majority done in a day! :) Shouldn't be too bad...! :)

Davis had his first soccer game of this season today, and they won 5-1!!! :D And they only had 6 players, which meant no switching out (they all had to play the entire game) and it meant that they had one less player on the field than the other team (the max number of players is 7). And we still won!!! And Davis made a goal!!! :D He was THRILLED!!! :D

I guess that's really all I have to update you on... But don't be too disappointed, because I'm sure I'll think of more rambles to add in the next couple of days! :D Lol...

Love you!
~Vanessa

Time flies when...you're really busy! :)

Alright! Let's get to it! I got on here to type up a post, because I thought it had been "forever" since I had updated...but I just checked, and it hasn't even been a week...yeah...as the title says, "Time flies when you're really busy!" :D

Target!

I went to Orientation last Friday, and was acquainted with all of the values, beliefs and rules that make up the foundation of the wonderful store I love to shop at, and love to work for! :)

I have worked every day since last Friday! :D I was called in early yesterday, and asked to stay late, and I was scheduled to be off today, but they needed help, so in I went! Tomorrow will be my 7th day in a row! :D Woohoo!

I cannot tell you how excited I am as I get in the car and head toward my beloved store! :D God and I talk...ok, so it's mostly me talking...but I do listen too! :D...all the way to the store, and we prepare for the day that is to come! And I enter that retail paradise (ok...maybe I'm taking it a little far now...but it is fun! :D ) with a smile on my face, and a bounce in my step!

God is GOOD!!! He put me EXACTLY where He wanted me! And He is blessing me over and above anything I could have asked or dreamed - especially regarding working in retail! :P Something I would have never chosen for myself!

I will tell you a few things I have learned since starting at Target:

1. There are a lot more muscles, ligaments, nerves, veins, etc, etc, etc in my legs and feet than I ever thought existed. And I feel every one of them when I finally sit down after my shift! :D

2. The equipment (scanner, conveyor belt, plastic bag holder, etc) at checkout counters was designed for midgets (vertically challenged persons - whatever... :P)!

If I was 5 feet tall or under, I would be the perfect height to work at the lanes! :) As it is, I spend most of my shift looking like the Hunchback of Notre Dame! :D

3. #12 is my absolute most favoritist lane to work! Don't ask me why, because I have no logical reasoning for it... I just LOVE it! And even without me telling them, that is where I have been put to work about 85% of the time that I have been on the lanes! :D

4. [Most] Target guests (We don't call them customers, because Target is supposed to be like their second home! :D) are an entirely different breed of human than any other type of shopper in the world. You know what makes them different? They are NICE! :D And when you smile at them, they become even nicer! And when you say something kind, they get even nicer! And when you laugh with them, they become even nicer! It's like a game to see just how nice someone can get before their heart bursts out their eyes, because it can't contain anymore niceness, and just has to ooze out of every pore available! :D

5. When a guest takes the time to look at my name tag, and address me by my name, it truly makes my day! I'm completely serious about this!

If you go to the store, and the clerk has on a name tag, use their name! Even if it is just, "Have a good day, (fill in name here)!" as you are gathering your bags to leave! It just makes you feel like a person! And it lets you know that they care! LOVE it!

I get more energy from a guest saying my name than...anything else (I can't think of an example of anything else at the moment, so I'm going to try to not look like a total idiot, and instead get you off on the rabbit trail that is this extremely long sentence, and hope that you are now thinking about why I am rambling rather than what the sentence was originally about! :D)

6. The economy has not affected Target guests...those people spend like nobody's business...Wow...! :) (Job security!!! :D)

7. I LOVE my job! :D

Ok...so I will shut up about my job at this time, and continue on with the remainder of the update! :)

The "Door of Support"

So, as we started sending out the newsletters and began praying about the supporters and such, I began to invision a way that we could watch every dollar of the support come in, and be able to watch it grow and truly appreciate all God is doing through His people! :)

Here it is!

It is on the inside of our front door! :D Let me explain it to you, since you can't fully be here to appreciate all the door has to offer! :D lol...

"God's Blessings" - The 1's place! There are 9 sets of velcro dots, and 9 strips of paper labeled $1 - $9.

"And Provisions" - The 10's place! There are 9 sets of velcro dots, and 9 strips of paper labeled $10 - $90.

"For the Journey" - The 100's place! There are 9 sets of velcro dots, and 9 strips of paper labeled $100 - $900.

And there will be one more sign that will be for the thousands, but that's one is very special (if not a little corny :D) and is being saved until we get the first thousand! :D

You see, this way we are literally able to see every dollar as it comes in. If someone sends $125, we will put a strip up on the hundreds chart, two strips on the tens chart, and 5 strips on the ones chart! It reminds us that every dollar truly matters - to God, and to the vision for the Lynn's! :D

And yes, the strips are wavy - and they match perfectly with the strips above and below them! :D It took forever to make them, but I love the effect that allows them to be entertwined! :D

Soccer, Track, and Life...Oh my! :)

Wow...between Davis' soccer practice and games, Samantha's track practice and meets, David's work, Sharon's volunteer efforts, Sharon and David's schooling and homework, my work schedule, all of our different LifeGroup, discipleship, church involvement, schedules, sometimes it's hard to remember what day it is, let alone what we're supposed to be doing, who's supposed to be doing what, and when they're supposed to be doing it! We are all like ships, passing in the night! :)

Davis...

...is doing great in school, and is still enjoying all of his teachers and classes!
...has his first soccer game (of this season) Saturday at 10:30, and he's thrilled!
...has had a bit of a cold for the past week or so, and we're hoping it gets gone SOON!
...is still enjoying all that he is a part of at church! They have such a good children's program, and awesome directors! :)

Samantha...

...is improving in school, and appreciates all the prayers coming her way!
...and I have started doing her devoted time together every morning, and are having an awesome time with Jesus (and each other) every day! :)
...is so excited about being a part of the track team at her school!
...has been invited (you have to receive an invitation to participate in track meets - maybe you knew that, but I had no clue until she got involved...) to the last two track meets (they've only had three!).
...has started working in the nursery with me on Sunday mornings and is loving it! :) She is a great help!

Sharon...

...is busy as a bee with all of her volunteering and working on the building of Ministry Partners :D
...had a cold a couple of weeks ago and lost her voice, and is still trying to get it back.

David...

...has a lot on his plate.
...has been sick for the last couple of weeks with a cold/sinus something, and just hasn't gotten his strength completely back yet - please pray that God will heal him to 110% soon!

Spooky...

...has a checkup and shots tomorrow... Poor baby! :(
...is my bestest little furry (ok...he's really not that furry...but you know what I mean... :D) friend ever!
...is having quite the time adjusting to the fact that I'm not at home as much as I use to be. But we make the most of the time we do have together! :)

The Lynn's...

...are going camping for Spring Break! They are leaving on Saturday after Davis' soccer game, and will return late on the following Thursday!
...will be leaving Spooky and me to have the entire place to ourselves! :D...ok...I think that got everyone! :D

One More Thing...

As I was sitting here typing all this, I was also having a conversation via text, with a friend, about guys and relationships and such, and God gave me "the sign." :D He gave me the thing to wait for that will tell me when I've met the one He has chosen for me! :) It's so simple, yet holds so much meaning for me! How awesome is that?!?!?! God is sooooo GOOD!!! Woohoo! :D

I will stop here. Mostly because I don't have anything else to talk about, and a little bit because I am about to fall asleep on the keyboard :)

I hope you all have an awesome rest of the week! :)

Love you forever!
~Vanessa

PS - After I finished the post, I just had to hit the wrong format button, and then had to spend ten minutes going back over this thing trying to make heads or tails out of it - yes, it really messed it up! - and I don't know if I got everything quite right, but I think it's close! :) Please give me grace if there are sections running together, or if there is bolds or italics in odd places...lol :)

Goodnight! :)

Does God dance on your potato chips?

Note: I got this sent to me in a forward the other day. I am not one to send many forwards on, but this one really grabbed at my heart! It so truly shows the heart of my God! He is always there for us! And He is always looking out for our best interest - as we usually have no clue as to what is best for us and are always demanding different answers in the fastest amount of time possible! But His timing is perfect! And He loves us just as we are. Just where we are. We don't have to change to come to God. We are changed because we come to Him. :)

Love you!
~Vanessa






Not too long ago I had "one of those days." I was feeling pressure from a writing deadline. I had company arriving in a couple days and the toilet was clogged. I went to the bank, and the trainee teller processing my deposit had to start over three times. I swung by the supermarket to pick up a few things and the lines were serpentine. By the time I got home, I was frazzled and sweaty and in a hurry to get something on the table for dinner.

Deciding on Campbell 's Cream of Mushroom soup, I grabbed a can opener, cranked open the can, then remembered I had forgotten to buy milk at the store. Nix the soup idea. Setting the can aside, I went to plan B, which was leftover baked beans. I grabbed a Tupperware from the fridge, popped the seal, took a look and groaned. My husband isn't a picky eater, but even HE won't eat baked beans that look like caterpillars.

Really frustrated now, I decided on a menu that promised to be as fool proof as it is nutrition-free: hot dogs and potato chips.

Retrieving a brand new bag of chips from the cupboard, I grabbed the cellophane and gave a hearty pull. The bag didn't open. I tried again. Nothing happened. I took a breath, doubled my muscle, and gave the bag a hearty wrestle. With a loud pop, the cellophane suddenly gave way, ripping wide from top to bottom. Chips flew sky high. I was left holding the bag, and it was empty. It was the final straw. I let out a blood curdling scream. "I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!!"

My husband heard my unorthodox cry for help. Within minutes he was standing at the doorway to the kitchen, where he surveyed the damage: an opened can of soup, melting groceries, moldy baked beans, and one quivering wife standing ankle deep in potato chips.

My husband did the most helpful thing he could think of at the moment. He took a flying leap, landing flat-footed in the pile of chips. And then he began to stomp and dance and twirl, grinding those chips into my linoleum in the process! I stared. I fumed. Pretty soon I was working to stifle a smile. Eventually I had to laugh. And finally I decided to join him. I, too, took a leap onto the chips. And then I danced.

Now I'll be the first to admit that my husband's response wasn't the one I was looking for. But the truth is, it was exactly what I needed. I didn't need a cleanup crew as much as I needed an attitude adjustment,and the laughter from that rather funky moment provided just that.

So now I have a question for you, and it's simply this: Has God ever stomped on your chips?

I know that, in my life, there have been plenty of times when I've gotten myself into frustrating situations and I've cried out for help, all the while hoping God would show up with a celestial broom and clean up the mess I've made of things.

What often happens instead is that God dances on my chips, answering my prayer in a completely different manner than I had expected, but in the manner that is best for me after all.

Sometimes I can see right away that God's response was the best one after all.

Sometimes I have to wait weeks or months before I begin to understand how and why God answered a particular prayer the way he did.

There are even some situations that, years later, I'm still trying to understand. I figure God will fill me in sooner or later, either this side of Heaven or beyond.

Do I trust Him? Even when he's answering my prayers in a way that is completely different from my expectations? Even when he's dancing and stomping instead of sweeping and mopping? Can I embrace what He's offering?

Can I let His joy adjust my attitude? Am I going to stand on the sidelines and sulk, or am I willing to learn the steps of the dance he's dancin' with my needs in mind?

I'll be honest with you: Sometimes I sulk. Sometimes I dance. I'm working on doing more of the latter than the former. I guess the older I get the more I realize that He really does know what He's doing. He loves me and I can trust Him. Even when the chips are down.

~ Author Unknown

You Are Mine

While praying one day a woman asked, "Who are You, Lord?"

He answered, "I Am."

"But who is I Am?" she asked.

And He replied,
"I Am Love.
I Am Peace.
I Am Grace.
I Am Joy.
I Am The Way, The Truth and The Light.
I Am the Comforter.
I Am Strength.
I Am Safety.
I Am Shelter.
I Am Power.
I Am the Creator.
I Am the Beginning and the End.
I Am the Most High."

The girl, with tears in her eyes, looked toward Heaven and said,
"Now I understand. But Lord, who am I?"

Then God tenderly wiped the tears from her eyes and whispered,
"You are Mine."

~Anonymous

We WILL conquer the swirling, whirling storm that is this week!

Wow...where to even start! :) It's been an absolutely all over the place week, and though here I am on a Friday morning, I'm not sure where the past week has gone!

Samantha has been having track practice now for 3 weeks, and we've pretty much gotten all of the pick up and such down to a fine art, right in time for Davis to start soccer practice, which instead of being just two days a week, as it was in the Fall, will now be THREE days a week! :P Samantha's practice ends at 5:15, Davis' begins at 5:30. What does this mean, you may be asking... Why this means picnic dinners! And extremely long days for the kids. ...at least Davis does get to be at home for a little while before he has to go to practice.

However, Davis couldn't be more thrilled about his team, because it is basically the same team he played with during the Fall - same coach, and a lot of the same kids. So that's good! They'll continue growing and learning together! :)

Samantha is going to the meet today! :) Running the 800m! She made the cut yesterday, and could not have been more thrilled! :)

Speaking of today...

(First a little back story...)

For The Lynn's to start 24:14 in the Fall, move in 2010, they must gather LOTS of supporters. In order to do this, they must attend some kind of two-day financial aid training seminar that teaches them how to properly seek support, and apparently assists them in setting up whatever kind of account they will need for the duration of their time overseas. Sharon called on Wednesday to seek out more information about when this class would be held, and was told that it would be in July.

If you don't know, Sharon, David and the kids will be gone to Thailand most of June (I will drop them off at the Dallas airport on Saturday, June 6th and pick them back up on Saturday, June 27th), and they will also be gone for a few weeks in July, as they had told the kids they would take them to the beach one more time before they leave the country for good - they will be headed to Florida...I think...

Anyway, Sharon, knowing her schedule for the summer, was quick to let the man know that there was a very small window that she would actually be able to attend the seminar, and he didn't see it happening in the window she had available - added to the fact that they can't start seeking support until they have gone through the class, and you have quite a situation on your hands (they have to have ALL financial support in place for the 2009-2010 year - because you can't have full time jobs and be a 24:14 student...David has been throwing around ideas of part time jobs he could take on...but they're going to be in class Monday thru Friday 8:30a to 12:30p, plus other various activities and such they will have to be a part of... - plus 2 or 3 - I think - years "in the field" when they start class at the first of September...). The guy laughingly told her there would be a class Thursday and Friday of this week, from 8:30a-5:30p, but said he knew that would be an impossibility - this man obviously doesn't know Sharon... :) She came to me Wednesday afternoon while we were frantically trying to get everyone where they were supposed to be for the evening, along with getting people fed, showers taken, homework finished, and studying for tests completed, and asked if I thought it would be possible for this to work.

Sidenote...

There had to be some additional phone calls made on the church's side of things, to "ok" Sharon to take the class alone - both parts of the couple are supposed to take it before raising support. They finally said that it would be ok for her to be the only one to take it...as I said earlier...they obviously don't know Sharon... :D

Anyway, Thursday was pretty straightforward, because I didn't have anything going on, and I take care of the kids on Thursdays anyway...

However, Friday looked to be quite frantic. My orientation at Target is today from 11a-3p. Davis gets out of school at 3:05 and walks home. My job puts me about 15-20 minutes away from the house... Samantha gets out of school at 3:20, and if she rides the bus, gets home around 4:05. Add to that, that I have Urban Children's LifeGroup on Friday's, and have a girl that I have to pick up at 3:45, and then have to rush across town to get the other at 4 and then get to LifeGroup. So...I was going to have to get Samantha from school, then come home to Davis, then go pick up Tammy, then Yazkara and then on to LifeGroup with the kids in tow (yes, it is a girls' LifeGroup, but Davis is a very good sport! :) ), and then I would drop the kids off at the church after our LifeGroup ends at 6, because their family LifeGroup is volunteering at The Feast tonight, and they have to be there to help. Then would do the rest of my LifeGroup stuff with my girls, and finally wind up at home! Whoosh! But we had it figured out. Until yesterday afternoon...

When Samantha ran up to me during practice (Davis and I had gotten there early to watch her practice), handed me a sheet of paper, and told me she was getting to go to today's meet! I was thrilled, and a bit overwhelmed! I had no idea how she was getting there, or how she would be getting back. Put that on top of the fact that this is her first meet, and none of us would be able to be there...and I wanted to throw up!

After her class, Sharon called to check to see how the afternoon had gone, and she and I began to strategize for today. While we were on the phone, she also informed me that David was heading home, as he felt horrible, had a fever (he has been very sick, off and on, for the past three weeks or so...not good...) and would not be going to Elevate, but would be coming home to seclude himself in his bedroom instead. (We won't go into detail as to how upset the kids - and I - were that we weren't going to have the night to ourselves...especially after being stuck at practice fields on our only other night to ourselves :D) He finally made it home, and made his floor pallet in the bedroom to sleep on, and off he went for the night.

This morning, it was decided that Samantha would get more information about this meet - directions, school name, something! - and would call me with the information. From there, I will call David's cell phone and leave him the information, and he will go from school to her meet, instead of going to The Feast tonight. So YAY! someone will be there for her...albeit someone who is icky sick, and hasn't been feeling well for a while... Last night, Christen, the surgeon and guy David disciples, called something in for David, so hopefully he'll begin to get better...

So, now it will just be me and Davis this afternoon. He told me yesterday afternoon, "tomorrow I get to welcome you home instead of you welcoming me! :D" So he's excited about all the topsy turvy that has come! :) Good attitude on that boy!

And now, I must go begin to get ready for my orientation and wait for Samantha's call - pray that she calls before 10:15...because if she doesn't, she's going to be out of luck...

I hope you're having a great week!

Love you much! :D
~Vanessa

PS - I tried to be a responsible adult last night and laid down around 9:30...and twisted and turned until 11 when I finally gave up, got out of bed and turned on my laptop. My mind had been swirling with all kinds of thoughts and ideas as to things that needed to be typed up for the book. I typed for about 45 minutes, and God released me to go to bed. I am extremely happy with what last night provided, it was more cleansing and revealing than anything I've ever written in my life! :D Yay God!!! :)

Target Team Member :)

Woohoo! God answered prayers, and provided me with a job today! :) I will be starting at Target (as soon as they get the results back from my drug screening and background check, they will call to set up Orientation!) as a day shift cashier! :)

As God would have it, one of the girls from LifeGroup also works at Target, and she has been praying for more "light" to come into Target, so needless to say, we're both pretty happy about this! :D

The guy, Jimmy, that conducted my interview was extremely complimentary of me, and seemed to think that I have major potential to move up the "ladder" pretty quickly! :) He said that I interviewed very well, was extremely well spoken, and had an excellent background to be so young! :) (So, suffice it to say that kind of made my day! :D )

However, if you know me well, you know how I love cash registers! (When I was little, my dream was to one day work at Belk so I could use their GINORMOUS cash registers!!! :D ) So, I will be completely happy to stay in this first position as long as God sees fit to keep me there! :D

Anyway, thank you ALL so, so much for your prayers during this transition!!!

Love you bunches!
~Vanessa

Perfect Timing...

Perfect timing. His perfect timing.

Last night during Worship at LifeGroup, Ashley got a picture for me. She said there was a kitchen timer - like the one above. It was set, and you could hear the tick-tick-ticking as it was counting down. She said that God was telling her that everything that He has been giving me will all come to fruition in His completely perfect timing. That there will be "milestones" along the way to the big things, but the end result will not be ready until His perfect timer *dings.*

To me, it just confirmed what I had already been feeling - that I have to prepare and get ready for what's to come (especially concerning my future husband). If you never add the ingredients to the cake mix, if you never mix it up, if you never put it in the oven, then it is never going to get baked. I feel like that is exactly what God is saying here - I must be willing to put time, energy and effort into preparing myself for the days ahead! :)

Yay! :D

God is soooooooooooo good!

And I love y'all soooooooooo much! :)

PS - If you see this before then, be praying at 1p! Interview today! :)

I'm gonna do it! :)

I am going to do my best to get all my thoughts and such down from the last few weeks, so that you can join me in watching this new journey unfold! :)


Picking up where we last left off, you will remember that at World Mandate, I felt God calling me to Uganda, and was preparing to start Elevate (the first year of schooling in preparation for the mission field...the school Sharon and David are in now...). All the while, searching for this "retail job" that God put me on a mission to find. I have gotten a whole new appreciation for the job hunting process through it all, that's for sure (for those of you that don't know, I have never had to "look" for a job - there has always just been some kind of hook up...usually involving Mama and someone she knows through her business dealings :) ).


I am going to be hopping all over the place, because #1, that's just how I am ;), and #2, I am trying to get everything out to you in a way that makes some kind of sense... :)


Now to begin...

John & Brandy Seago

Brandy, a friend from Georgia, got married January 3rd, and as God would have it, moved just up the road (about an hour and half) from me after her honeymoon! :) Her husband is originally from Texas, and he is doing an awesome thing and working with Texas Right to Life (http://www.texasrighttolife.com/) so they settled here! :) The Monday after World Mandate, she and I were able to catch up over the phone, and made plans for me to come visit and have lunch Wednesday of the next week, and then planned a "Girls' Time" the week after that, where I would get there on Tuesday night and stay through Thursday morning, while John was in Austin for his job. I was thrilled, and couldn't wait to see her and really get caught up on everything! :)


Brandy and John's story is "one for the books" - this couple nailed it! And by the grace of God! It is truly a story to stand in awe of! God has richly blessed them, both as individuals, and as a couple. I feel so thankful to have the chance to have them right up the road! :)


I have been able to hear their story from afar, as they were at school in North Carolina when they met in 2007, and I continued to keep up via text, occassional phone calls, and Facebook, but never had the opportunity to see them together in person until after they were married and moved up the road! :) I feel like God definitely ordained that, because I have learned much from watching the two of them - both together and apart in the last few weeks.


Backstory...


Over the last several months, God has really been breaking me of my old ways of viewing marriage and relationships, and even breaking my urge to be in a relationship. As I have had the privilege of seeing some of the couples around Antioch date, become engaged and get married, all while keeping God at the center, I have continued to stand in utter amazement!


I had begun to see marriage as something so special and precious! A beautiful, rare jewel that you prepared for and searched for most of your life, and once it is in your "possession," you hold it as special and precious! You hold it separate from the other things that once captivated your time, energy, money and emotions! You polish it regularly, but you pay such close attention to it, that you notice immediately if the shine appears to be dimming, and do everything you can to get it back to it's previous glory! Ah! How glorious it is when God's hand is upon it!


I began to have bits and pieces of these thoughts, and even thoughts clarifying the other side - why there is so much divorce and unhappiness in marriages across the world today - so that I could completely appreciate the beauty in what God was giving me! :)


It all came together for me as I saw Brandy and John together! For the first time in my life, instead of being so immensely jealous of what they had, I was filled with awe, and became resolved, even excited, to wait! :) There is no way that someone could look at these two, after knowing their story - a story of redemption, renewal, refreshment and a love so pure that the only source it possibly could have come from is God - and not be overwhelmed by the goodness of our God, and become excited to wait for your own "fairy tale come true!" :) Every time I saw him look at her, or her look at him, to see them hug, kiss and hold hands...each precious moment was a gift from God! And to see the beauty of that, to truly appreciate how awesome life can be if it is lived in the complete will of God, for the first time completely humbled me.

John & Brandy Seago

I will not settle for less than what God has for me, but I also have to take care to completely allow God to take over my life as it is now, so that I might become His best for my future husband! :) I cannot hold any part of who I am back from Him - it all has to be given straight into His hands! It hasn't been easy, and daily I am having to remind myself - mostly regarding the "little things" - that it's not mine to worry about or question. It is all His! And that, even though scary at first because I don't have mine grubby little hands on it, becomes soooooo utterly freeing! All I have to do is say "yes!" and follow in His footsteps on the path He's walking before me! How much simpler can it get? :D


So, on the way back from Brandy's last Thursday morning, God and I were having a conversation - well...mostly it was me dumping upon Him the anxieties of my heart concerning the next year or two of my life - and I just got this overwhelming peace. As I was sitting there explaining to Him how hard it would be to get all the money together I would need for schooling and the mission field - especially when Sharon and David are going first, and she will have already gotten support from those we know that are able to give, and I just didn't know how in the world I was ever going to be able to do all this. It isn't that I'm not willing to go - I've even gotten excited! But the fear of being financially unstable was starting to settle in... He said, "Vanessa. My precious girl. Just wait." I, of course, was not content in that, and had to be my true self and ask, "Wait for what?" What came next humbled me, and made me give myself a handsmack - he said, "Vanessa. I never told you to go to Elevate this Fall. You just assumed you were supposed to immediately go into training since you knew where you would be going, but that isn't the case." There was a pause while I was being humbled before Him, and letting everything sink in, and then, "Do you not remember what I gave you?"


I spent the entire rest of the drive home trying to figure out what in the world He was talking about. He certainly wasn't giving me any hints, but that didn't stop me from trying to get it out of Him! :)


During my conviction of becoming God's best for my future husband, I was convicted to take walks regularly. I decided it sounded like a good plan for me and Spooky to do this together, since we both can use fresh air and excercise - and because it's not much fun to walk by yourself...and Spooky is a great listener! :D Friday was our first day to walk, and we had a wonderful time! It has been incredibly cold around here lately, but that didn't stop us! We bundled up, packed our "bathroom bag" - a WalMart bag with four folded-up paper towels :) Can't litter, ya know! :) - and took off! We've walked every day since, for at least 45 minutes, and it has been wonderful! Not only has it given Spooky and me a great time to just be outside and enjoying God's beautiful creation - even when His creation is freezing! :) - but it has also given me wonderful opportunities for amazing conversations with my Creator!


So, Friday we went out to walk, and I was still trying to figure out what God had given me that I was supposed to remember...when He showed me again...


The week after World Mandate was a miserable week! I started the week just thinking I was completely run down and tired after the weekend we had had, but as the week progressed, and nothing was getting better, I quickly realized I was sick. Wednesday night came, and with it LifeGroup. We stood up for worship, I sank right back into my seat - the room was spinning, and I was burning up. My throat had been a major source of pain, as had my left ear. I felt a trembly, cold hand on me, and knew that Ashley was praying over me. I moved her hand to my neck and ear where the pain was, and just settled in, knowing God was in control! As she was praying, it was as if I was completely removed from that room, that house, that place...I was taken in to a picture.


I was in a very small room. It had an earthen floor. I was sitting in a very primitive wooden chair - 4 straight posts, with the back two coming up a little higher than my shoulders, and a woven straw seat - and there was a dark skinned woman sitting in a similar chair, directly across from me - not more than 5 feet could have separated us. Just to the right of where I was sitting, and equal distance between me and the other woman was a pale pink blanket, and on it was a dark skinned little girl - just a baby really, but old enough to be sitting up on her own. She was happy as a lark and playing with some kind of wooden toy. Off to my left, and behind the other woman was a door. As we were sitting there, the door opened and a little boy appeared there - he was holding a man's pointer finger with his right hand, and was walking, but not completely steady. He had the creamiest, most beautiful skin, blonde hair and big, beautiful blue eyes! He was absolutely beautiful! When I looked over and saw him, I clapped my hands together, and said, "Look at Mama's big boy!" When I spoke, he looked up (he had been concentrating on getting in the door), his face broke into a heart-melting grin, and he began to speed walk toward me, all the while dragging "the finger" along with him! :) It was a beautiful picture! But I had no idea what it meant, so I just enjoyed it, and filed it away.


God "replayed" it for me that Friday morning, and when it was over said, "Vanessa. Uganda is not just for you. It is for your family. You won't go alone." Whoo! :D Can we say excitement?!?!?! So I am absolutely thrilled about that! :) Cause not only am I not going alone, but I am going to have a husband, and a child!!! :D


Saturday morning, as we were walking, God gave me the title of a book I am to write!!! :D Holy cow! Can you believe it??? And He also gave me the picture for the book cover...although at this time I'm not sure how to get it out of my head...cause I can't draw very well...so I'm just waiting to see what He does with that! :) I have begun to put thoughts down on paper - though at this point it wouldn't make sense to anyone but me...and sometimes I don't even know where it came from when I go back and read over it (and then I remember that God has His hand in all, and He's the one that's really writing it anyway :) )! But I'm extremely happy about this opportunity! :)


Also...


I am now discipling Samantha. God had put it on my heart, and then Ashley brought it up to me as well, after Sharon had mentioned something about it when we had a very confusing conversation where both of us were talking about two different things...weird...but a part of the plan! :) So, that started this week. I am hoping for us to find time Friday night or Saturday to get away for a couple of hours, and really start building that foundation. On Monday morning, we started doing her quiet time together - she wakes up and comes in my room and we talk about the day, and pray for the person she is to say something encouraging to that day, pray for her day, and send her out! :) It has been AWESOME! God is soooooo good! :)


And finally...


A matter of prayer... :) I have a job interview tomorrow with Target at 1p (CST) :)
I would definitely appreciate your prayers for that! :) Because I'm ready to get on out there! :)

Until next time...


I love you all, more than words could ever express,
~Vanessa

There was a request...

...for a Spooky picture, so here he is! :)

My precious puppy! My constant companion!

It's my turn! 25...or 30...Random Things! :)

So, this "25 Random Things" note has been going all over Facebook. Heather tagged me to it, and I finally did it! :) It was posted a week or so on Facebook. But once again, trying to get everything all in one place! :)

1. I used to analyze everything to the point where I would drive myself crazy - I'm getting better :)

2. This past week has been the most amazing week I have had in as long as I can remember...it has just been awesome! :)

3. I have always wanted an older brother. The kind that are in movies and on television - the ones that are completely protective. That are always willing to listen. That are a shoulder to cry on when you've had your heart broken or your back stabbed.

4. I sometimes think it would have been easier if I had just never known my daddy. At least that way I would have just had the one disappointment of having a father that didn't care enough to be a part of my life, instead of the daily, weekly, monthly, and yearly disappointments...

5. I regret nothing that has happened in my life to this point. I am a firm believer in the thought that I wouldn't be the person I am right now without everything that's happened - good, bad and horrid - so, while it might have been nicer circumstances had some things been avoided...I wouldn't trade the life I've had for anything!

6. Though I would love to have a little girl one day that I can dress up and have "girl moments" with, my heart's desire is to be able to mommy two boys.

7. I know that I have a lot of quirks...but I believe with all my heart that God has someone for me that is going to completely embrace my quirks and love me all the more for them.

8. My favorite flower is the Gerbera daisy - but I HATED the ones that we (the girls) were given at our graduation. Our school colors were blue and orange, and the flowers were a icky orangish color and that were wilting before we even got them. I loved the ones my family had for me at my family graduation party - they were perky and a beautiful shade of pink! :)

9. I wish with all my heart that Heather and I had a "background" - if I think about it for too long, my heart begins to hurt when I think about the fact that I have a sister that strangers know better than I do...

10. I cannot wait to be an aunt! I pray that God will give me a husband that has several brothers and sisters, because I would love to have all kinds of nieces and nephews to spoil! :)

11. I am entirely too emotional - but I think I'm getting better...to a certain degree :)

12. Davis and Samantha hold a huge chunk of my heart. I often make the comment that I'm not sure how I will be able to love my own children any more than I love these two. I love the cuddles, the hugs, the kisses, the giggles, the stories, the conversations, the smiles...

13. I have already given Mama strict instructions as to things to tell any potential suitor to avoid when proposing. :) (I'm pretty set against the things that I am completely against for that moment...yes...I am entirely too picky...so God will change my heart toward that, or he will bring me a man that will feel the same way I do about the entire proposal :) ...I'm thinking the latter...)

14. Some nights, I lie in bed and pretend I'm back in Georgia. That I'm just across the house from Mama. That I'm just up the road from my family. I pretend like I am going to get up in the morning, and be able to walk straight through the living room and into Mama's bedroom to talk to her and tell her all about the day before.

15. It was harder leaving Georgia after visiting at Christmas than it was when I left in June to move here. I still haven't figured that one out... My lowest moment was when I walked into the house, the Sunday before I left on Monday, after I had been at church that morning crying through the entire service (Mama had stayed home because she was sick and coughing her head off), I walked through the door, into the living room and Mama was sitting on the couch. I completely lost it then. My heart was broken and nothing in this world could even come close to fixing it but my mama's arms wrapped around me, and her tears merging with mine.

16. Writing is cathartic for me. And surprisingly, I am much more open and honest with my writing when I am writing it publicly than if I am just writing it in a journal for myself.

17. Off and on I have thoughts of what it would be like to write for more than just myself. Imagining how wonderfully free I would feel being able to dedicate myself to a life of cleansing work... :) But then I realize that I really have no really imaginative or original thoughts, and that I just ramble a lot :)...so it isn't like I would be able to write things that people are just going to take to heart, laugh at, cry at or be blessed by. And I come back down to earth :)

18. I used to wonder when my "real" life was going to start...sometime in the last seven months, I realized that it started a long time ago, and it just took me realizing that to understand that it is time for me to start living every day to the max. It is imperative to appreciate every moment.

19. I have always wanted to go to Italy. Everything that I have ever seen, read, or heard about it just speaks to my soul! I am dying to see it with my own eyes! :) And I will get there one day! Even if God just flies me by on my way up to Heaven! :)

20. I put off doing this for over a week after Heather tagged me, because I knew it was going to turn into a very long, drawn out, soul-emptying session...and sure enough, I was correct :)

21. I have 15 photos in my room, and all of them are of my family.
13 of them are in black and white.
The two that are in color are for effect.
Black and white pictures are my absolute favorite.
I have three pictures on my walls.
One is in color and says: "Live life passionately, Laugh until your belly huts, Love unconditionally."
The other two are of trees - one is black and white and the other is in sepia tones.
Both pictures speak to something deep in my heart. Staring at them and "going into" them is how God speaks to the deep places many times.

22. This summer after moving here God and I had it out because I wanted to "get pictures" like everybody else at Antioch did, and He wasn't giving me any. Then I finally got one, and I was more excited than I've ever been over any physical gift I've been given! :) And now He uses pictures frequently to speak to me, and to allow me to speak into others.

23. God has been given me words for people here lately, and I still question what I'm hearing sometimes...but there is something special that happens when you obey, walk up to someone and give them the words and/or picture that God has given you for them. There is a radiant smile that breaks out on their face - a smile that comes from deep within. :) The smile is God's way of showing me that I wasn't hearing things incorrectly, that it was just what they needed to hear, and helping me gain boldness in getting quicker to obey so He can use me to bless more people, more frequently. :)

24. I absolutely love getting random texts from my friends! :) It makes my day! Cause it makes me feel like they were just sitting, going about their day, and then all of a sudden thought about me and took the time to send me a message :) It makes me feel completely loved and special :)

25. Sometimes I feel completely uneducated - especially in the moments when I let myself slip, and I sound like someone off the Beverly Hillbillies. But then God reminds me that He loves me no matter what. And He doesn't mind that I have a country twang, and that it gets even worse when I'm tired or am really emotional. And that He doesn't care that I can't have long philosophical or scientific conversations, cause He didn't make me for that. He made me to be personable and relational. And even though I didn't really used to like people that weren't in my immediate circle, He has definitely been working on that, and broadening my horizons.

26. I hate talking on the phone. Absolutely loathe it. I would rather spend two hours having a conversation via text message than have a 5 minute phone conversation. I think part of it is that I sometimes have an extremely hard time hearing and understanding people over the phone, and I get frustrated with myself. However, if you catch me at the right time, I can talk for hours - just ask Mama :)

27. I have taken a Folic Acid pill almost every day since 10th grade. I found out in my Early Childhood class about how one of the main reasons children are born with Spina Bifida is because of a lack of Folic Acid in the mother. Our teacher told us that when we got ready to start thinking about getting pregnant that we should start taking Folic Acid pills to aid in the process. So I just got a jump start on it and started then. However, if any of my children are born with Spina Bifida, I am going to have blown the Folic Acid myth out the window! :P

28. I love getting mail - snail mail. One of the best feelings is to open up the mailbox and have a package or letter in there with my name on it :) I used to really enjoy it when I lived in Georgia, but now that I'm out here, I really and truly love it.

29. After being able to see the purity and the entire presence of God in Brandy and John's and Amanda and Ed's relationships, I have determined that I am completely willing to wait for whomever God wants to send my way. To be able to glow radiantly like Brandy is after marrying her God-given prince, and to be able to "light up like a Christmas tree" as I have seen Amanda do every time Ed walks into her line of vision...it's worth the wait. Totally and completely.

30. And on that note, after seeing each of those couples together, and after having long talks with each of the women about their feelings toward their relationships, I have decided that if I don't get married until I'm 80, it's fine, as long as he is the one God has for me. I don't want to rush anything. The way these men look at them like they are the most precious thing in the world; the way they lead the relationships in the way God intended, and the way these Godly women fall into their roles so happily and beautifully! :) It just puts everything into perspective. :)

*I'm sorry this is so long. And if you stuck it out and read this entire thing, you deserve a medal! :)

**I am aware that I did a few more than 25...what can I say, I got in the groove, and just went with it :)

48 Things :)

Random quiz on Facebook - it gives a good bit of info about me, so I figured I would include it too! :)

1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
If I had been born male, my father was going to name me "Christopher Robin"...yeah...not even a little bit cool! I would have been constantly made fun of! I just thought Vanessa Ahngelina was bad... :)

2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?
Sometime this week, I'm sure...I have Frequent Crier Miles :D (98% joyful tears though! :) )

3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
I like it when I have taken my time...I don't care for my "hurried handwriting"
And I only like my cursive - I don't care a bit for my print :P

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?
Balogna

5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS?
None that are bilogically mine :) I want at least 3 of my own one day

6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
I would be friends with the person I am now...not so much with the person I used to be...God bless you if you have stuck with me through both! :)

7. DO YOU USE SARCASM?
I've gotten a lot better at not doing it since I moved in with the Sharon, David, Samantha and Davis. Sarcasm is evil, and makes the other person feel bad most of the time, so we should not use it. I totally see the full picture, but I still slip up sometimes...

8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS?
Yes!

9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP?
I did when I was 8 - believe it or not, I begged to do it in Pigeon Forge, TN - my daddy dared me, and told me he would buy me a personalized airbrushed T-shirt (those things were REALLY popular back then) thinking that I would say no, but he got surprised! :D - and Mama had to sign an extra form of some kind because I was under the weight limit. But I did it and loved it. But I have more wits about me now, and wouldn't care to do it again :D

10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL?
The cereal that I eat normally - Honey Nut Cheerios
The cereal that conjures up wonderful childhood memories - Froot Loops! :D

11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?
No...even though I know that I should...

...there is not a number 12...

13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM?
Mint Chocolate Chip - in a waffle cone! :)

14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE?
Their smile and eyes

15. RED OR PINK?
Pink - any shade :) (It's my most favorite color of all!)

16. WHAT IS YOUR LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF?
That it took me 23 years and moving halfway across the United States to truly find out who God made me to be! But I'm trying my best to make up for lost time now! :)

17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST?
The people in Georgia that are holding a part of my heart...

18. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO COMPLETE THIS LIST?
Sure. Why not - it'd be interesting to see everyone's answers! :)

19. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING?
Black pantsBarefeet :)

...there's not a 20 either...

21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?
The most current CD that Trippe made for us :)

22. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?
Cerulean - was ALWAYS my favorite crayon in the box!

23. FAVORITE SMELL?
Trippe's cologne
Davis right after he has a bath

24. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
Robin

...and there's not a 25...

26. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH?
Davis' team playing soccer - I don't know enough about the sport to totally understand it and watch professional soccer on television...but I like watching it in person well enough :)

27. HAIR COLOR?
Brown

28. EYE COLOR?
Depends on my mood - blue or green

29. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS?
Yes - sometimes

30. FAVORITE FOOD?
Zaxby's! :)
Which I am totally missing while being here in Texas!

31. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS?
Happy endings! I am a WIMP! I cannot stand scary movies! If you make me watch one, be prepared to be grabbed and held tightly! And I usually close my eyes through most of the movie... Sorry :)

32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED?
PS I Love You :)

33. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING?
It's red and coral/orange striped...

34. SUMMER OR WINTER?
Fall :)

35. HUGS OR KISSES?
Depends on who's giving them...I love big, slobbery kisses on my cheek from adorable little kids! :)I've never been a touchy person - AT ALL (just ask my Mama) - but God has begun changing that in me...by putting people in my life that just LOVE to hug! And now I will actually hug a person before they try to hug me! :) I'm quite proud of that change! :)

...and there's no 36...

37. MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND?
Whoever takes the time to read it? :)

38. LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND?
Whoever doesn't take the time to read it? :)

39. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW?
Acts
Who Has Your Heart?
The King's Daughter
The Beginner's Guide to Fasting
(yeah...I can't keep focus on one non-fiction book at a time, so I have to bounce around between a few :) )

40. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?
I have a laptop...and if I'm using my mini-mouse
(yeah...I just said it in my head and laughed out loud...ya know, "Minnie Mouse" :D) I use my notebook paper clipboard as my mouse pad :)

41. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON TV LAST NIGHT?
The Weather Channel
I turned it on to check today's forecast so Davis would know whether he should wear pants or shorts to school today.

42. FAVORITE SOUND?
My mama's voice - especially after a really bad day, or when I'm sick...there's nothing in the world as comforting!
Davis' giggleBeautiful music

43. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES?
Couldn't tell you a thing either one of them sing...so I won't make a choice on this question...At least I've heard of the Beatles though...I thought the Rolling Stone was just a magazine that Mother Winslow held on the porch swing during the opening credits of Family Matters...lol

44. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME?
I've been to Canada and California - while I lived in GeorgiaI don't know which one is further...and I don't care to Google right now to find out :)

45. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT?
I don't think so...if I do have one, it is so special that I don't even know about it yet! :D

46. WHERE WERE U BORN?
Gainesville, Georgia

47. WHOSE ANSWERS ARE YOU LOOKING FORWARD TO GETTING BACK?
Whoever decides to fill it out :)

48. HOW DID YOU MEET YOUR SPOUSE?
I'll tell you once I meet him :)