Proud of me? ;)

So, here is the vision I spoke of in the earlier blog. It is included in the book, so I included the entire bit. Enjoy! :)

"Only One Carry-On Per Passenger"

These words are becoming increasingly familiar to those of us who are frequent fliers. Why? If you bring along more than one bag on a trip, it costs you. What does this have to do with marriage and dating, you ask? Everything! The more baggage you bring into a relationship, the more it costs you in the long run.

I have recently come to the realization that one of the reasons I am still single is because I have too many suitcases from the past. I have to allow God to unpack them, sort through them, keep what needs to be kept, and throw out the rest. When entering into a new relationship, you aren't just beginning a new chapter in your life - you are joining someone else's journey, and this new ride will have to carry their bags as well.

God has given me a glimpse of just what this would look like if the baggage in our hearts was tangible:

In each scenario, there is a newly married couple racing to their getaway car, only the automobile and baggage is a little different in each.

Scenario 1: The couple races to their RV to find it overflowing with every suitcase, train case, duffel bag, backpack and trunk known to mankind.

Scenario 2: The couple races to their Suburban to find it crammed with every suitcase, train case, duffel bag and backpack known to mankind.

Scenario 3: The couple races to their mini-van to find it packed with every suitcase, train case and duffel bag known to mankind.

Scenario 4: The couple races to their dual-cab truck to find it filled with every suitcase and train case known to mankind.

Scenario 5: The couple races to their SmartCar to find only two small bags.

What in the world does this mean? Put yourself in each of these vehicles going on a long road trip. Which one would you prefer? The RV that has to stay on the big roads, can only park at the very end of the parking lot and to have to chart your course ahead of time and stick to it for the duration of your trip, or the SmartCar that can go on all the back roads so you can enjoy all the scenic routes, get in all the small (close up) parking spaces, be able to stop on a dime, and can change course at a moment's notice so you can make the most of your journey?

Of course you want the SmartCar...or at least you should! This is your honeymoon, a vacation experience like no other - the road trip of all road trips! You have put time, money and effort into choosing the perfect destination and of course you want the journey to be just as memorable as the trip itself. You want to stop and smell the roses and enjoy the sights along the way.

Only this is not a vacation you are dealing with - this is your life.

***End of excerpt***

Well folks, there you have it! :) And so, I am patiently (or at least trying to be patient about it) standing aside (well, most of the time at least...lol) and allowing God to drag all my junk out of my luggage, and sort through to get me down to that one carry-on bag! Some days are easy, others are hard, and others it is completely painful, as He is completely removing things from my heart that have grown long, twisted roots and have been there so long, I don't even recognize them as being foreign objects - they've simply become a part of me.

So, in praying for the list, and all the other things God brings to my mind regarding my FH, I am also praying that He catches onto the Carry-On principle, and allows God to go through his luggage as well, so we'll both be ready at the same time! :D

Ok. Two posts in one day - must be some kind of record! :D I'm gonna go curl up with my puppy and read a little bit now! Hope y'all have a great weekend!

Love you!

Victory, Vivaldi and Vanessa :)

Where to begin... :) As usual, I sit here with an overflowing heart...and don't have a clue where to start! :)


So...on July 8th, The Lynn's packed up and headed out for their tour of the south, not knowing exactly when they would return (David came back on August 9th - he had stuff he has to get done for school...and Sharon and the kids should be arriving sometime tomorrow morning). They were barely here a week after they arrived home from Thailand, until they were gone again!


Of course, they left the day after we all found out about the 24:14 thing, and I was trying not to dwell on the decisions I thought I had to make, and instead decided to go into denial, and pretend like I didn't have to think at all about the future for a while! :) After I sent the email to you all letting you know I needed your prayers, I simply put it all to the back of my mind, and figured I'd return to it at a later date. :)


After they left, I began to fill my hours with work, praying that time would pass very quickly until the 17th - which is when Mama would arrive! :D Of course, after she got here, I prayed that time would pass very slowly while she was here - I didn't want her time here to go quickly! :) We had a wonderful time visiting, and thoroughly enjoyed our time together! :) We even got to drive down to San Antonio for a few days to enjoy the Riverwalk and Sea World (two things I have been wanting to do since last summer when people started telling me about them!!!)! :) Our hotel was on the Riverwalk, and it was all incredibly beautiful! :) Loved EVERY minute of that trip! :) Then we came back and hung out around Hewitt! I got to cook for Mama almost every night, and I thoroughly enjoyed that - it's just not much fun cooking for one, you know... So I took FULL advantage of having someone else around to cook for! :)

Mama returned home on Sunday, July 26th. To say I had a hard time after she left would be putting it mildly. I threw myself into work all day, and then came home at night to Spooky. He was the only person in my world outside of work at that time. I wasn't on the phone that week, I wasn't emailing or blogging...I just was. I kept asking God why He would make me stay here when I was so longing to just pack up and go home. Then when He wouldn't answer that, I would plead with Him that if He was insisting on me staying here longer, to please allow me to enjoy it like I used to! But NOTHING was happening! I was far from enjoying life here, and I didn't feel like He was releasing me to begin packing my bags and heading for home.

So on we went. On that Tuesday, in the midst of my searching for an answer as to what I was supposed to do, location-wise, for my future, I felt God put something on my heart. He told me that we were going to sit down, and we were going to compile a list of the qualities that exist in my future husband. He made it clear that this was not a list for Him, but instead was a list for me - so that when men come along, I will not be trying to cram them into a spot in my heart, but will instead go to the list He has provided me, and I will know that I am to move right along. I didn't really see why this was necessary during this very frustrating week, but He was talking, so out came the paper and pen, and the written list was born. My eyes were opened wide as I read over it when it was finished, and I realized just how different the things that went on His list were, compared to what would have gone down if it had been my list. In a strange twist of things, I awoke the next morning, and the first thing on my mind was the list. I was reminded of what it represented - the man God made to live, walk and grow alongside me - and I felt an overwhelming desire to pray for this unknown man. I prayed for him that morning, and it has been the first part of my morning ever since then. I know that for some people, it is normal to pray for their future spouse...not so for me. I have always thought it was a really sweet idea, and at times throughout my teenage and young adult years, it has crossed my mind, so I have prayed for him. But this has just been different. An urgency that I have never felt before, and there have been specific things to pray for. I pray for him each morning as my eyes open and God puts him on my heart, but then different times during the day, he'll be brought again to my mind. It's just been incredibly interesting. So...on a lighter note, I'm just praying that God has had him praying as hard for me as I am for him! I sure could use the extra prayers! :)

***I have another note to write on the above, and a vision God gave me for me and the book while Mama was here (that I have shared with several people, and God has already used), but I think it is for another blog. So stay tuned! :) If I get really inspired, I might type it up tonight after Spooky and I return from our evening walk. :)

I continued on with my imploring of God to give me an answer for my future location, but I didn't feel like I was getting anything, and so that Saturday night, I was done. I called Mama and left her a message (it was around midnight, Georgia time, if I recall correctly), begging her to pray that some kind of resolution would come. I was at the end of my rope, God hadn't given me any answers, and I felt quite abandoned. I was sick all that night, and didn't get much, if any, sleep. I felt like Jacob wrestling God. And I just wouldn't let it go. Even though I was hurting, I kept hanging on with everything in me. Finally, early that morning when I was completely spent - physically, emotionally, spiritually - I uncurled my stubborn fingers, and that, of course, is when He met me.

Which catches you up to the last blog, in which I gave you the answer to my imploring.

Since then, I have felt it confirmed that I will be leaving Texas on the 30th of January. He pushed it almost to the very last moment of His timeline! :) So typical... Lol! :D

So, now to explain the title of the blog. :)

Victory. Victory has come all over the place in little ways where God has really been working on some areas of my life that I didn't even have any idea needed working on. As usual... :) He has redeemed things, and brought about much change and growth! Hallelujah! :) But of course, the biggest victory goes to God - not only for the very obvious things, but for the mere fact that He finally got this very stubborn girl to let go, and truly let God! :) Thank you, God, for your never-ending patience!!!

Vivaldi. I have always had a soft spot for classical music. It tended to drive Mama crazy when I would play it, because she didn't really enjoy it all that much - and that's an understatement... :) I am by no means a connoisseur, and I other than the very obvious compositions, I wouldn't be able to tell you the composer of any pieces. But I love it. And until recently, I have never had a full grasp on why. I have been playing Vivaldi's "Four Seasons" over and over and over, and I get it now! When I listen to classical music, I am able to sense God in every note. In every movement. In every breath between beats. He is everywhere. And the creative mind He has given me is not boxed into someone else's words within the music, but instead, I have simply been given the music, and I am able to dance with God all through the piece, on my very own! :D Isn't it incredible?!?!?! (Of course, I still enjoy my other favorites - most of which are played on the blog - just as much as I always have, but now I have an understanding of why my heart sometimes just craves classical music!) :)

Vanessa. That's me! :) An A+ for you, if you already figured that out! :) But more than that, it's the person God made me to be. Not a version of myself that I have concocted so that I might people-please to the best of my ability, but the version that God knew of before He spoke the world into being! :)

Finally, God has given me a list of things that I am to focus on in the Word in my last months here, before returning home. They are as follows:
1. Who are we in Christ? (simply speaking as a child of God)
2. Who am I as a woman in Christ?
3. Who am I as a (one-day) wife?
4. Who am I as a (one-day) mother?

Then:
5. What is the foundation, cornerstones and building blocks of a Godly marriage?
6. What is the basic make up of a man/husband/father who is running after God with all his heart?

So far, I have been doing a whole lot of Bible reading. I started in Ephesians, then went on to Proverbs 31... Boy! Was that an awesome morning! :)

"Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised." Proverbs 30:31

I'll tell you honestly, I have read that chapter many, many, many times, and every time I've read it, I have felt like a complete and utter failure. I mean, holy cow that woman has a lot on her plate! I don't know how she ever finds time to sleep! And to be perfectly honest, she does a lot of things I don't care one iota about doing, and other things that are the beat of my heart are mentioned no where in her description. I only read it the morning I did, because God told me to, and I knew I wasn't gonna get a moment's peace until I did it. And thank God, I did! Because I hit that verse, and my world flip-turned upside down! I have read it and heard it so many times before, but never had it hit me so hard. Fear the Lord, and it all comes together. Everything else falls into place when you let Him take over completely! WooHoo! :)

Since then, I have been diving into Psalms. And it has been INCREDIBLE!!! My eyes have read it all so many times before, but I feel like this is the first time my ears and heart have been truly tuned in and listening!!! :)

Alright...I think you all are officially caught up! :) For now... :D

I love you! :)

One day I WILL get better at updating... :)

Lots of verses have been sent my way since my last post. Many, many prayers have been sent up by me, and on my behalf. Many tears have been shed. Many hours of sleep have been lost. Many questions have been asked...and most have gone unanswered... :)

Let me share the verses with you :)

The first one came from my aunt Diane...

"For if you remain silent at this time, relief and deliverance for the Jews will arise from another place, but you and your father's family will perish. And who knows but that you have come to royal position for such a time as this?"
~Esther 4:14

...for such a time as this... These are the words we've been focusing on.

The things that I have learned and experienced since I've been in Texas have been life-changing and completely awesome. I have gone through a multitude of emotions and tears, as God has broken down long-standing walls, cultivated barren and hardened grounds, and planted seeds, which are, even now, beginning to grow and bloom.

There are things that God has spoken clearly to me in the last few weeks that I know I am to be a part of before I am able to go back home. I am currently here, for such a time as this... :)


The next two came from Ashley...

"To human beings belong the plans of the heart, but from the Lord comes proper answer of the tongue. People may think all their ways are pure, but motives are weighed by the Lord. Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and He will establish your plans. The Lord works out everything to its proper end...In their hearts human beings plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps."
~Proverbs 16:1-4...9

Basically, if I will just follow the path He sets me on, I'm set. :) Of course trials and tribulations will come (because I'm flesh, and far from perfect, and will inevitably try to grab the reigns back at one time or another...unfortunately...), but He's always gonna be there to catch me and redirect me. And if I do everything my feeble heart and mind can do to stay close to Him, He will quickly pull me back to Him at the first sign of trouble. :)

"You will go out in joy and be led forth in peace; the mountains and hills will burst into song before you, and all the trees of the field will clap their hands. Instead of the thornbush will grow the juniper, and instead of the briers the myrtle will grow. This will be for the Lord's renown, for an everlasting sign, that will endure forever."
~Isaiah 55:12-13

I absolutely LOVE the picture that is painted with the above words. The beauty that comes from simply following in His footsteps. :)


And the last comes from Pastor Wes...

"You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you."
~Isaiah 26:3

So...here it is...the answer that is giving me the "perfect peace," that has just settled into my heart in the last little while. And I know that this is different from everything I've flitted through the past almost-month, because I DO feel at peace with it.

I will be back in Georgia (for good...for now, at least... :) ) sometime between December 1st and February 1st. In the remaining 4 to 6 months I am here, I will be focusing on several things God has given me.

1. Continue writing on the book He started with me back in January.
2. Continue working on day-to-day life changes that He's inspired.
3. Comtinue digging deeper in the Word and growing deeper in my relationship with Him.
4. Begin to work with the Lynn's, preparing the children for what's to come, and help them adjust to the newest changes in their young lives, and start helping to implement some of the ideas God has given me for this family.
5. Begin to prepare myself for life without having the children with me every day (this summer, while being unbearably lonely at times, has definitely prepared me for what it will be like without having them around. Thank you God for always knowing what's best for us!).
6. Live every day to the fullest, and enjoy every moment I have left here! :)

I'll share more with you in the days to come, but I just wanted to get this out for now. Please pray with me as I begin step out into the Master's plan! :)

Love you ALL! :D

Calling All My Prayer Warriors! :)

I typed my blog Monday night, not knowing how my little world would turn on it's side in the following 12 hours.

You see, the "future thing" I was talking about in my last blog was this:

Ashley - my best Texas friend and the girl who disciples me - and I had an evening out a couple of months ago. The plan was to stop by Starbucks, fuel up and then pray and wait for God to show us someone He wanted to bless that evening, then go to the mall to pick up some items she needed for her mission trip, and finally dinner. Well...as women and plans go, our's didn't quite go as we had thought. :) We started at Starbucks, and wound up there for three and a half hours! I was catching her up on the stuff He had been giving me for my book, and then we were both just talking through things that those topics brought to the surface. All of a sudden, she just stopped, got really quiet, and then turned to me with the look in her eye. She said God had just given her a picture for me. She said that I was back home, working on the book, and was also in a square room at my church, with twelve other people around me, and the person directly to my right was a shorter, dark-haired man. I was leading this group through the seven discipleship lessons that we have here, and building the foundations up, to send these twelve out to start LifeGroups.

So, needless to say, after that I have had even more of a desire to be back in Georgia than I already had. My heart has been burning in my chest, just knowing that there is a purpose for me in my church, and that He is heading me directly for it. And so, with this picture in mind, I settled in to life, knowing that the Lynn's would be in Thailand in a year doing their ministry, and I would be in Georgia doing mine.

Tuesday morning, things got a little konky. Sharon announced that they had spoken with the leadership at Antioch, and basically, it was decided that they will be putting off 24:14 (the next step in their missionary schooling) for at least a year, and just focus on getting to know the Thailand team (through Skype, email, letters, phone calls, etc) better for the next year, before any major decisions are to be made.

So...where does that leave me, you may be asking. Truth is, at this point I just don't know for sure. With Sharon and David not having school, that means that they will be around to take care of the things with the kids, and around the house, and my help won't be needed in that capacity any longer.

The kids are a bit apprehensive, thinking about me leaving while they're still here. I don't think it had ever truly hit them until Tuesday, that soon, we won't all be together. And even if they had thought about me not being in Thailand when they go, they hadn't been prepared for me to have the opportunity to be gone so soon, especially with them still being stateside.

So....yeah. Needless to say, my mind and heart has just been boggled. I want to do only what God wants me to do, and nothing more or less than that, so I have to hear him clearly. So, what I'm asking of you, is for prayers for clarity. I joked the other night saying that it didn't do me any good to talk to anyone about this, because the people in Texas want me here, and the people in Georgia want me there, so there's lots of bias. :) As for me, there are things on both sides of me holding me tight, so I can honestly say that whatever answer comes will have to come straight from God, because I am split straight down the middle at this moment.

I love you all!

Where to begin...

...I am sitting here, wondering where in the world to start, cause there's a lot in my heart at the moment.

The Lynn's (David, Sharon, Samantha and Davis) left for their three week mission trip to Thailand on June 6th. Marcia flew out to visit me that same day, and stayed until the 12th. We had a great time, and she was awesome company for Spooky and me! :)

Ashley - great friend, and the girl that disciples me - left for her two week mission trip to Tunisia on June 13th, so we got together on the night of the 12th. We went out for sushi, then decided to go to the bridge - but before we went, we had to make a stop at the grocery store for flour tortillas, so we could take part in the Baylor tradition of "Tortilla Tossing." There's a whole point system, and you have to try to toss them on top of pillars left from an old bridge...anyway, that's another story...lol :)

As we got out of the car, there was heat lightning all around, and I started talking about how I would love for it to just rain down and soak us! :) I wanted to dance in the rain! :)

Backstory: I have a past with bad headaches. I don't know that they're migraines, cause I've never had them diagnosed, but they're no fun. Early February, they came back worse than ever, to the point where I was having 3 or 4 a day. There was a knot at the base of my skull that was always full of pain, and then when the true headache would start, it was like tentacles climbing out of the knot, and crawling all over my head, trapping my brain, and squeezing as hard as it could. It felt like something was trying to push my head into the ground. After a heavy dose of Advil Liquigels and a bit of closed-eye rest, the tentacles would retract, and it would go back to just the knot. I had asked Ashley at dinner if she had anything for a headache, cause I had gone off and left my bottle at home, and I could feel it coming on. She said no, and inquired as to what was going on, so I filled her in.

So...back to the bridge...we were dancing around the bridge, singing worship songs, and praying asking God to bring the rain. Ashley stopped midsentence, and said, "Vanessa, I feel like I am supposed to pray healing for your headaches." I immediately walked over to her, picked up her hands, put one over the knot, and the other covering the tentacles, and said, "Let's do it!" She started praying, and I could feel the tentacles retracting, but of course the knot was still there. Then she stopped praying and asked me to think back to when the headaches first, first started. At first I couldn't really pinpoint it, so I closed my eyes, and prayed asking God to reveal it to me - cause obviously it was something since He was putting it on her heart to find the source. I just waited for a few moments, wrapped in complete silence, and then itme like a rushing wind - the headaches with the knot first, first started right after Sharon announced that she was moving the kids to Texas and then they were moving to Iraq. From March of '07 to May of '08 I had headaches daily, but when I moved out here, they stopped. Then after World Mandate, when they found out where they were going for sure, and they started making plans to take the kids with them on this summer's trip, that was when the headaches came back. I told all of this to Ashley, and she kindly said, "Vanessa, you have to release them. Until you let the kids go, you're not going to get rid of the pain." I understood what she was saying, but honestly said, "I have to really want to release them, or I'm not really going to...and that's gonna take more than just me saying it..."

So I went to the middle of the bridge, stretched my arms open wide, and asked God to help me let them go. I just kept saying "Lord help me let go" over and over. The more I said it, the more the wind picked up around us, and began to rush over us, and then the knot began to slowly release. Finally, I felt confident enough to say, "Lord, I release them to you" and in that moment, it began to rain! :D Water drops raining down all over my upturned face and palms! He was covering me, and cleansing me! Then I was on a roll, and began releasing anything and everything I could begin to think of! It felt GOOD!!! :D

When I finished, Ashley prayed over me sealing it up, and then I opened my eyes. They were opened wider than they have been in a looooooooooooooooooong time, and I didn't hurt AT ALL!!! :D It was incredibly awesome! :)

So...the Wednesday before the Lynn's returned from their trip, I had a moment. Well, by some people's definition, it was a lot longer than a moment...more like a day. :) I just wanted to be home. I wanted to be with my mama and the rest of my family, with my church and friends, surrounded by everything I've always known, and loved. I was ready to pack me and Spooky up and hit the road. Mama was awesome enough to allow me to interrupt her work that afternoon, and she held the phone, as I sobbed, telling her how badly I wished to be back home, and how I just wanted the next year to pass really quickly so I could get on with it. She was wonderful, telling me how much she missed me, but reminding me of all the awesome things God has done while I've been out here, and reminding me how much the kids would miss me if I packed up early. The song "Stronger" started playing in my head - God has been using songs to speak loudly to me in the last several months - and so I claimed it as my life's song for this season. Only problem is, Hillsong hasn't released a CD with it on it, so I couldn't have my hands on it to really play it.

"Stronger"
Hillsong

There is Love That came for us
Humbled to a sinners cross
You broke my shame and sinfulness
You rose again victorious
Faithfulness none can deny

Through the storm
And through the fire
There is truth that sets me free
Jesus Christ who lives in me

You are stronger
You are stronger
Sin is broken
You have saved me
It is written
Christ is risen
Jesus You are Lord of all

No beginning and no end
You're my hope and my defense
You came to seek and save the lost
You paid it all upon the cross

So let Your Name be lifted higher
Be lifted higher
Be lifted higher

Sunday morning, we got to church, and from the moment the service started, tears were just pouring down my face - I wasn't sobbing, my eyes just sprung leaks! :D I was totally wrapped up in the service, and the songs were great, and then Jimmy (the pastor) got up on the stage to say the prayer for the offering, but instead, he said, "I think there's another song God wants us to sing this morning. I think there are some people out there that are holding on by a thread, and God wants to speak this song over them." He said a simple prayer, and then the chords to "Stronger" started up. The leaks became floods, and the the top of my shirt became soaked, as God threw His arms around me and held me close to His chest, rocking me back and forth and loving on me as only He can.

As soon as the song (which is the first song playing on the blog page) was over I sat down to journal. An excerpt:

"You did it. You're meeting me right where I am and you threw your arms right around me. I can feel your heart beating against my cheek! You love me! Completely. Fully. Unconditionally. Unexplainably. You know everything there is to know about me - past, present and future - and you want me...not in spite of it, but because of it! And you want to use me! Your love for me knows no bounds! You are everywhere. Your love surrounds me wherever I go. You are my constant. You are always holding me. You are in the happy moments, and in the sad moments. You rejoice with me when everything is going smoothly and you hold me and wipe away my tears when I feel like it is all crumbling around me. You are the answer to every question."

The song that played during the taking up of the offering was "How He Loves Us" - the second song playing on the page :)

"How He Loves Us"
Kim Walker

He is jealous for me
He love's like a hurricane
I am a tree
Bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy
When all of a sudden
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory
And I realize just how beautiful You are and how great your affections are for me

Oh, how He loves us so
Oh, how He loves us
How He loves us so

Yeah, He loves us
Whoa, how He loves us
Whoa, how He loves us
Whoa, how He loves

We are His portion and He is our prize
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes
If grace is an ocean, we're all sinking

So heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest
I don't have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way

He loves us,whoa, how He loves us
whoa, how He loves us Whoa, how He loves

So...to say I couldn't ignore the fact that He was really loving on me that day would be a huge understatement! :)

Ok...I think that this has gotten you at least a little bit caught up... :)

So sorry it has taken me so long to get something out again. I've been burying myself in the Word - starting at the beginning and picking it apart! And loving every minute of it!!! :D

I love you all, and don't EVER forget it! :D

Praying for you all, always! Loving you all, always! :)

Thank you for loving me! :)

PS - There's one more story involving a vision that was spoken over me regarding the future, but I have to tell someone else before I can broadcast it here. I have you interested now, huh? :D Don't ya love me?!?!? :D

Yeah...It's been a while... :)

So sorry about the long silence. Things around here were a little crazy in the weeks leading up to the departure of the family to Thailand. They left Dallas last Saturday (6/6) and Marcia came in from Georgia to stay with me for a week the same day! :) We had a great time while she was here, just hanging out and enjoying one another! :) It was great! :)

Life is going pretty well! Lots of things have happened, and I will definitely be typing up the details soon - God really loved on me last night! :D But right now, I am just going to relax and enjoy this beautiful day - Spooky is snuggled up against me on the couch, and we're just chillin'! :)

Love you!

How to Stay Young

1. Try everything twice.
On one woman's tombstone she said she wanted this epitaph: "Tried everything twice - Loved it both times!"

2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down. (Keep this in mind if you are one of those grouches!)

3. Keep learning: Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever... Never let the brain get idle. 'An idle mind is the devil's workshop.' (And the devil's name is Alzheimer's!)

4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath. And if you have a friend who makes you laugh, spend lots and lots oftime with him/her.

6. The tears happen: Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Live while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love: Whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.

10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.

11. Forgive now those who made you cry. You might not get a second chance.

12. Remember - that God is with us always. He knows us inside and out and loves us. We can turn to Him in good times and bad.

Remember! Lost time can never be found.
Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.

***So a friend of mine sent this to me today, and I absolutely love it. It so reminds me of exactly where my heart is.

Forget San Francisco...I left my heart in Georgia. Currently, the biggest pull in my heart is the pull to get back home. I totally understand why God brought me here, and I totally appreciate all that I have learned and come to understand in my time here. I enjoy every moment I have gotten to spend with the two precious children that have so overtaken every breath of my life here. And this, of course, is where the biggest problem lies...

For me to be back home means that these children, that hold whatever part of my heart wasn't left in Georgia, will no longer be in close range. They will no longer be a part of my every day life. I will no longer be able to be a part of their important moments, and I will not get to share in all the ups and downs of their day to day lives. And that, of course, tears me up as much as being so far away from home and everything I've always known and love so very much.

I went home last weekend for my sister's wedding. (She was an absolutely beautiful bride, by the way :) ) And while there, even though it was just for a very short while, I got to taste, once again, everything that I left behind. And it broke my heart. I barely got there before I was turning around to come right back here...blah. I need to stop :)

It's just that sometimes I get to REALLY missing home. This has been one of those weeks. So, I ask that you not feel sorry for me, or think that I'm sitting here in utter devastation, but instead, I ask that you pray that God will show Himself completely and totally present in every single second in the days, weeks, months and years to come. That He will make the path that He has for me well lit so I am able to see it clearly. There are many things that I long for, but I don't want any of them if they aren't what He has marked for me.

On a lighter note, our entire family now has Skype, and we've put it to very good use in the past week. Papa and Nanny had a talking cat in place of their own faces on video for a while, but they finally got it all fixed and taken care of, and now they have a hot pink beret attached to a lovely head of black hair, and beautiful bright silver, multi-colored lens sunglasses head thing that covers up the head of whomever is speaking on the video - Papa was absolutely stunning in his hat and shades! :)

Hope you all had an awesome week, and are looking forward to an even better weekend! :)

Love you all!
~Vanessa

Samantha's Baptism - 5/3/09

The girl is Meghan - she was Samantha's first LifeGroup leader this year (she moved to Dallas in January after graduating from Baylor, and Samantha was devastated).

And of course, the little man on the right is my baby Davis! :)

I love the intense look of concentration on Davis' face! :)


Beautiful moment!

And precious Davis praying over his sister! AWESOME!!!

The way baptism works at Antioch is pretty awesome in my book. We go off of the charge of the Great Commission out of Matthew 28:19

Then Jesus came to them and said, "All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.

In fully believing that, we believe that everyone that has been saved becomes a disciple of Christ, and therefore we have all been given the charge to make disciples of others (lead them to Jesus), and to baptize them.

So, it is very special to watch baptisms here, because the people baptizing and praying over the person being baptized have had significant impact on the person's life.

So when you decide to be baptized, you have to decide who is going to baptize you and who is going to pray over you!

Davis was soooooo super excited when Samantha asked him if he would pray over her after she was baptized! And his prayer was one that shook the church! That boy has It! And he uses It!!!

GODBUMPS!!! :D

David's Baptism - 5/3/09

The guy with the microphone is Shoan - the leader of Elevate.

The other guy is Chris - a fellow Elevate student, and a great friend of David's.

I know this one is very, very fuzzy (give me a break, cause I was squatting in front of the baptismal pool, trying to watch everything, take pictures, and see through my happy tears! :) ), but I absolutely LOVE David's face in this one! Awesome moment! :)

So sorry for the silence!

I am very tired at the moment, so this probably won't be very long... :)

But I would like to apologize for the lack of communication and information here lately. Life has been pretty crazy around this place - work has kept me quite busy in all the hours that I'm not sleeping or taking care of my babies, and when I would have a few minutes of time where I did have the chance to write a sentence or two, my computer decided to revolt against me, and I could not get it to allow me to get on my blog page! :P So alas...it has taken me a while to get here.

Anyway, please know that lots of great things have been happening here lately! :) Namely, God has been writing my book with me again - lots of brainstorming and late night typing has been happening here lately! :) And it is EXCITING!!! :D So far, I have the title of the book, 15 chapter titles, and the general idea of all 15 chapters - along with a life story for each chapter, and lots of good thoughts, quotes and ideas colliding! :) Yay! :)

I have pictures from Samantha and David's baptism last Sunday, but I won't be putting them up tonight. I really must be making my way to bed soon... :)

Alrighty then. I thank you for putting up with me even when I am not writing or saying very much...or anything at all really... :) And thank you for always loving and encouraging me!

Love you all dearly!
Have an awesome rest of the week! :)

The Birthday Celebration! :)

The weekend of Samantha's 13th birthday brought a ton of fun our (Samantha, Davis and I) way! Sharon and David were gone from Friday afternoon until Sunday afternoon, being part of a poverty simulation for their Elevate class. We made the most of our weekend! :)

We started out with pedicures! Wonderful fun! :) We thoroughly enjoyed our pampering! :)

Here's a picture of Samantha enjoying every single second! :)









Davis enjoyed it as much as we did! :) He absolutely loved the massage chair! We were there for a little over an hour, and the people taking care of us never let them stop massaging! It was wonderful!
















Here are all of our lovely toes! :)

Samantha and I have flowers and jewels! :)

















Then we headed to Target to shop for all of our weekend treats and goodies! :)

We came home and made dinner, and then started on Samantha's Sunshine Coconut Cake! :)

Here is the batter, split and ready to go into the oven! :)







And here are the finished layers!


















And here are the layers with the lemon filling spread between them.

(I'm sorry Marcia - I just couldn't figure out how to successfully split all of the layers to make 6...I'm sorry! :( )









And here it is with the HARD AS A ROCK icing on it, and the clumped up coconut clumped up ALL OVER it! :P












And here are my little loves posing with the beautiful cake! Lol

Yes...we do only have one candle in it! We were a little afraid that if we put all 13 that the cake would crumble and be completely inedible! :P Lol

However, both the kids loved the cake, even in all of the icky glory...and in the end...that's all that really matters anyway... :)









BLOW! :)



















And here it is after the cut was made! :)

















And here is Spooky - a puppy that thoroughly enjoyed all of his fun with us that weekend! And enjoyed sleeping right in the middle of us both nights! :)

Yes...he is just a tad bit spoiled! And that is just fine! :)







We cleaned their rooms on Saturday, because it poured down rain all Friday night and all day Saturday. They went through all of their stuff and made piles of what they wanted to keep, and what could go in the "Yard Sale for Thailand" pile. We then rearranged both of their rooms, and did a thorough cleaning job! :)
We cooked lunch and dinner, and then settled in for a viewing of High School Musical 3 :)

Sunday, we went to church, and then headed to Olive Garden (thank you Mama for treating us!) for lunch. After that we went and hung out in a deserted corner of the Lowe's parking lot and played a game that Samantha and Davis had learned at LifeGroup the week before! :) We had a BLAST!!! :D

Jesus cried too!

A little over a week ago, I got some pretty bad news about someone close to me. And I was upset. I was first in disbelief, followed by anger, and then a deep sadness fell over me. My mind began spinning, as I tried to grasp exactly what this news meant, and how it could alter all the tomorrows...

But mostly, I was just incredibly sad, and wanted be able to put my arms around this person, to see their face, and to sit in their presence. Just to know that, for that moment at least, they were ok.

I spent that night mostly awake, journaling and emailing. Talking to others who had just found out the news, and feeling such a sense of unity knowing that we were all walking through it together - no one was alone, and everyone understood the emotions that were pouring through our hearts and minds.

Upon getting home from work the next afternoon, I found an email in my Inbox, adressed to me and several others.

***Before I go any further, I will say that the opinions that are about to be expressed are mine, and mine alone. I pray that the person that sent the email meant it to be an encouragement, rather than the slap across the face that I felt it as being.

Anyway, after spending the 10 minutes it took to read the email (it was a long one), I sat back frustrated and quite angry. Basically, I felt like I had been told that by being sad, depressed, fearful and tearful, that I was letting the life and energy be sucked right out of me, and that was not of God. I felt like I had been doused with a bucket of cold water.

Upon finishing, I decided that the person that sent the email either 1: has lost their ability to feel anything or 2: is completely clueless. (I still haven't decided which it is...)

So...I have spent the last week, angry at this person, and hiding away in my little shell, trying to find the truth in all this. I will not negate the fact that it is not good for us to wallow around in our sorrows and fears day in and day out forever and ever and ever. However, I feel that we are completely justified in being sad and upset and tearful when we get devastating news, that could possibly alter the rest of our lives. I think if we weren't affected by devastating news, then there would be much more wrong with us than the news we just received. (I think I have decided the thing that made me the most upset with the email was the fact that it was sent less than 12 hours from the time we heard the news. Translation: We hadn't even had time to fully process what we had been told, and before we had even waded through all that, we were being told to suck it up.)

So...I went on a scavenger hunt tonight...and I know that after I finish this, and turn in for the night tonight, I will sleep better than I have in a week. Because I know the truth, have embraced it, and will go forward from tonight.

"Jesus wept." John 11:35

We all know the story of Lazarus. He died, and Jesus brought him back from the dead. But what happened between the time he died and Jesus brought him back? Jesus wept. As a matter of fact, not only did Jesus weep, but, "was deeply moved in spirit and troubled." AND HE KNEW WHAT HE WAS ABOUT TO DO!!! He KNEW He was about to raise Lazarus from the dead, and He STILL wept! AND had a deeply moved spirit and was troubled!!! So don't you think that might just mean that we are pretty much guaranteed to be moved to emotion? If Jesus, the one who made the world, knows how many hairs are on our head, knew when we were to be born, and when we were to die, all before the world came into existence wept - I'm pretty sure we will spend some of our time here on this earth weeping as well!

"He took Peter, James and John along with Him, and He began to be deeply distressed and troubled. 'My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death,' he said to them. 'Stay here and keep watch.' Going a little farther, He fell to the ground and prayed that if possible the hour might pass from Him." Mark 14:33-35

And He didn't pray just once, but he returned twice after that, pleading that the cup would pass from Him.

"He withdrew about a stone's throw beyond them, knelt down and prayed, 'Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but your's be done.' An angel from Heaven appeared to Him and strengthened Him. And being in anguish, He prayed more earnestly, and His sweat was like drops of blood falling to the ground." John 22:41-44

Even after the angel from Heaven appeared to Him and strengthened Him, he was STILL in anguish! The God/Man, being strengthed by an angel from Heaven was anguished to the point that His sweat was like blood!

Anyway, what I am trying to allow you to see, is what He has shown me. It's ok to be sad, and it's ok to grieve. Jesus knew that the only way to save us all was to sacrifice Himself. He knew exactly what He was going to be going through. He knew what the pain would be. He knew how excruciatingly horrible the beatings, spearings, and the crucifixion itself would be. But more than all of that, He knew what the outcome was. He knew that by His death, we would live! He knew that by His blood, we would be saved and healed! He knew that by His suffering, we would be made complete!

And yet, He was still filled with sorrow, and was in anguish. How much worse is it for us mere humans that don't know what tomorrow holds? If we are saved, we know what our eternity will be, but what about the days until then? And what about those that are watching us suffer and face whatever is coming our way?

You can have whatever opinion you wish to have.

You can believe that to be a Christian is to accept life as it comes, and not waste time on tears and sorrow, and believe that to show sadness and sorrow somehow means that you don't have faith in God.

Or you can believe that to be a Christian, is to be human. And to be human is to feel. And if the 100% human/100% God Jesus wept, then you are allowed to as well. And that showing your sadness and sorrow does not mean that you have no faith in God. It simply means that you are hurting.

What does all this mean for me? It means that there will be days when I cry. There will be days when I'm just thoughtful, and a little sad. But like Jesus in the garden that evening, I know that even through my sadness, God is always here! He hears every cry of my heart! He knows that a pool of my tears does not mean that I no longer believe He is the God of love, and He knows that I will always pray with fervent hope that He will provide a miracle, and I can look back and laugh over the tears I shed for the circumstance that no longer exists! Lord, let it be!

So, you can cry with me, laugh with me, pray with me, pray for me or ignore this completely. It's your choice.

But I can tell you one thing...the night we got the news, I firmly believe Jesus was crying right along with us. :)

I pray that this will give you comfort and freedom for the rest of your lives! I pray that this will not just be a lesson for today, or just for one circumstance, but will be something you keep in your heart, and can go back to until you pass through the gates, where there will forever be no more tears! :)

Overcome

Overcome
by Desperation Band

Seated above, enthroned in the Father's love
Destined to die, poured out for all mankind
God's only son, perfect and spotless One
He never sinned, but suffered as if He did

All authority, Every victory, is Your's
All authority, Every victory, is Your's

Savior, worthy of honor and glory
Worthy of all our praise, You overcame
Jesus, awesome in power forever
Awesome and great is Your name, You overcame

Power in hand, speaking the Father's plan
You're sending us out, light in this broken land

We will overcome
By the Blood of the Lamb
And the word of our testimony
Everyone overcome

We will overcome!

I love you.

PS - Video link:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ruTV6goauGQ&feature=related

Picture Post :)

This is for Mama and Marcia! :) Davis asked me to make him Peanut Butter and Jelly mixed one Sunday evening - cause he absolutely loves it mixed - and I snapped a shot, so Mama and Marcia could feel like they were here! :)

















Marcia sent Spooky some treats to enjoy! :) The first picture is of him chowing down on it, the second is him looking at me hoping he was going to get another one right that second! :)












Precious puppy! :)

Easter Egg Hunt 2009

Samantha and Davis - before the hunt

Samantha yanking her sunglasses out of her hair so she would not be hindered! :)

Davis dashing to fill his basket!

Samantha with all her eggs! Yes, she has all the pockets in her jacket STUFFED as well! :)

Davis with his loot! :) And yes, that is a hard-boiled egg he is holding in his hand! Altogether, he and Samantha gathered 20 hard-boiled eggs along with over 100 plastic eggs (filled with candy, of course!)! :)

All the girls and female leaders in our Urban LifeGroup at our Easter Celebration! This picture was snapped about two seconds before the boys pelted us with confetti filled eggs! :P

Boys will be boys... *sigh* lol :)

Davis and I had a "campout" the weekend Sharon and David had training for Elevate, and Samantha was gone for her youth Spring Retreat!

It started out as a wonderful Spring day, weather in the 70s, nice, slow breeze blowing to keep you from getting too hot, etc.

About 4A, all that changed! The temperature dropped, and the wind was blowing so hard, it was picking our tent up off the ground at the corners! Davis made the executive decision that...

...we would be "sticking it out" - so we did! And we stayed snuggled and cuddled and piled under everything we had inside the tent with us until 7:16A! What a night! :) But we had a great time! :) And thoroughly enjoyed it!

This is our front "flower bed" - for lack of a better term...

Needless to say, it hasn't been looked after very well, and if you will peer closely, you will see the gigantic weed growing up out of the ground next to the sidewalk...

And here is Davis standing beside it...

Davis is 5ft tall...

Yes, that's one tall weed!

...and this picture was taken at the beginning of April, so it has grown since then! :)

The beat of my heart...

A lot has happened since my last blog. Some that I can expound on, some that I cannot. I have learned a few things quite well over the last two weeks:

1 - Life is completely unpredictable
2 - There are many people that care
3 - It's healthy to grieve
4 - I am going to be ok
5 - Healing is happening
6 - I can't change the past, and I can't predict the future...I just have to live fully in every single second of the present
7 - I am a work of God - knowing that, I also fully understand now that I will never be completely whole and pain free until Heaven. There will be days when memories of the past will so overwhelm me that I will crumble beneath them, and there are days when I will long for His promises of my future to be fulfilled quicker than they seem to be. However, I believe with all my heart that the tears will lessen over time, the pain will change from a searing pain to a dull ache and I will be able to go through one whole day, then one whole week, then one whole month, without having to relive any of it.
8 - I will be used fully to enhance the Kingdom of God - not in spite of all of my baggage, but because of it! Praise God!!! :)

THE SHACK
by William P Young

First off, if you haven't read The Shack, get a copy of it and read it as soon as possible! It will turn your world upside down if you'll allow it!

As a funny sidenote, this book has been chasing me for a while, and finally caught me! :) Mama got it for us right when it first came out. I began to read it, but didn't get more than a couple of chapters down before I gave up because I thought it was about the strangest book I'd ever put my hands on. Then for this past birthday, the family (Sharon, David, Samantha and Davis) got it for me, because Sharon had heard such great things about it, and she knows how I love to read. So, in the interest of trying to embrace and appreciate a gift from people I care about, I started it again. I stopped in about the same place as I did the first time - maybe not even that far... - and decided that the people reviewing that book must have all lost their minds. Then a friend from here came back from Spring Break having read it on the plane flight back from Florida, and was raving about how good it was. So I just asked her exactly why she thought it was a good book, and explained to her how far I had gotten, and why I had stopped each time. She told me that I absolutely had to read it, and that I needed to read and take in the first part because it was essential to the story, but that I just needed to suck it up and push on through it. So I did. And I've never been so glad that I did. :)

This book opened up my mind, but more importantly, my heart. It shows an amazingly clear picture of the Trinity, and just exactly what God had in mind when He created man. The relationship that He so longs to have with us. And it also allowed me to see into the heart of God. To fully realize that every person ever created is a child of God - the "good" people and the evil people...and He loves us all completely, fully and unconditionally.

Oh! Just typing about it makes me want to get it out and read it again right now! :) Go get it and read it ASAP! :D

PS - I read this book the Friday morning before I found out about Daddy remarrying. Having the thoughts in my heart and mind from this book helped carry me through that and helped me keep everything in perspective as I waded through my emotions and feelings surrounding that day.

CAPTIVATING
by John and Stasi Eldredge

The second "life-altering" book that's been presented to me in less than a month! As I was talking to a friend of mine here (she's the mama to one of the boys that plays soccer on Davis' team - we got really close last season, and have continued to get together for lunch and such since), and she said that she had a book she wanted me to read. She is the one that had encouraged me to read The Shack when I finally did, so I figured she'd know a good book for me, and eagerly accepted it when she passed it on to me two weeks ago at the soccer game. I hadn't had any down time to start reading it, until last Wednesday night after I got Samantha home from her youth group.

Sidenote - that day was also the day I found out that Daddy has diabetes, looks very sickly, is moving to Florida with his new wife in two weeks, and never intended for us to know. Let's suffice it to say that Wednesday was an extremely hard day.

So I got home that night and decided I would escape in a book. I picked Captivating up, and instead of escaping, I hit the wall head on. But it was magnificent! I have found out so many things about myself while reading this book! It has been such an amazing experience! I immediately called Mama to tell her that that is what I wanted for my "Easter basket!" :) All I wanted was a copy of my very own that I could make notes in and hi-light and cry over and rejoice over and underline and read over, and over and over again! :)

Maybe one day, after the healing from these current days is complete, I'll share with you all, all the things God has shown me in the last week...right now I'm still a little tender. But know, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that not only is He working in me and on me, but that we aren't working with bandaids! He is scraping off scabs, and digging deep to find the true source of each and every wound, and we're rebuilding from there. It has been extremely painful, and extremely magnificent.

The one thing I will share, is that God has clearly told me that I am to start calling Him "Daddy." For now, my earthly father is out of my life (by his choosing) and He has shown me that the only way to begin dealing with these wounds is to allow it all to go to Him. He wants to be my Daddy. So I'm gonna let Him. :) Fully and completely. So from here on out, when I say "Daddy," I'll be referring to my REAL Daddy! :) The one that loves me unconditionally, and FOREVER!!! The One that will NEVER leave me, and NEVER forsake me! The One that is a father to the fatherless! The One that has my name written on the palm of His hand! The One that knew me before I was in Mama's womb! The One that thought of me before He even created the world! And the One that had me on His mind when He was taking His last breaths on that cross! The One that loves me for all I am - broken, bleeding, and bandaged! The One that wants to bear it all for me! And the one that rejoices over me with singing! :) The One that made me to worship Him with every part of me and every breath I breathe! The One that has given me gifts and talents that He sees as creative and beautiful, even when no one else does! The One that loves me with all He is, and all He has! The One who created me! :)

Praise the Lord!

Praise the Lord, O my soul; all my inmost being, praise His holy name.
Praise the Lord, O my soul; and forget not all His benefits -
Who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases
Who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion,
Who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.
The Lord works righteousness and justice for all the oppressed.
He made known His ways to Moses, His deeds to the people of Israel:
The Lord is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love.
He will not always accuse, nor will he harbor his anger forever;
He does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities.
For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is His love for those who fear Him;
As far as the east is from the west, so far has He removed our transgressions from us.
As a father has compassion on his children, so the Lord has compassion on those who fear Him;
For He knows how we are formed, He remembers that we are dust.
As for man, his days are like grass, he flourishes like a flower of the field;
The wind blows over it and it is gone, and its place remembers it no more.
But from everlasting to everlasting the Lord's love is with those who fear Him, and His righteousness with their children's children-with those who keep His covenant and remember to obey His precepts.
The Lord has established His throne in heaven, and His kingdom rules over all.
Praise the Lord, you His angels, you mighty ones who do His bidding, who obey His word.
Praise the Lord, all His heavenly hosts, you His servants who do His will.
Praise the Lord, all His works everywhere in His dominion. Praise the Lord, O my soul.
~Psalm 103

I sit here smiling at the screen on my laptop, as if I am sitting right in front of each one of you sharing all that has been happening in the last two weeks! My heart has been ripped to shreds, but He is reigning victorious! He is stronger! (Which reminds me of the song that has been in my heart through it all! Check it out! The link's below! I found the video that has the lyrics on the screen so you can clearly know exactly what the words are, and you can understand why it has had such a grasp on me!:) )

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sv55FMjeMV0

What I would like to try to clarify for any of you who might have been unfortunate enough to encounter me while I was in the bottom of the pit, is what was on my heart. I was having an extremely difficult time accepting that this might truly be the end final end of my relationship on this earth with my earthly father. My heart was broken. Completely and totally. I was bleeding. And I was grieving.

Many well meaning people, not wanting to just say nothing when they heard of what was going on, wanted to respond with "church answers" (truth, but churchy none the less...) - "Vanessa, God is the father you father never was." "Vanessa, take this to God, he'll hold you and comfort you." God is your comfort." "God is your provider." "God is the ultimate father." "I'll pray for you to have strength in the days to come." "Some people never even knew their fathers."

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Finally, I decided that I would just stop being honest with people when they said, "How are you?" or "Vanessa, are you ok?" or "Your eyes look swollen...have you been crying?" Because I just knew beyond the shadow of a doubt if ONE MORE PERSON gave me ONE MORE WELL MEANING RESPONSE, I was going to give them one well meaning bonk on the end of their nose! :P (Ok...probably wouldn't have really bonked anyone...but I probably would have just let out a scream from the very depths of the very bottom of my soul!)

As I told Mama, and as God confirmed for me, I just wanted to get it off me! I needed to share the burden. I needed to tell people what was going on. I needed to have people rally around me and hold me up! But I didn't need them to try and "fix it." I wanted someone that would just listen, and when I finished say, "You know what Vanessa? That just sucks." I wanted someone that would listen, and as I cried through it, they would cry with me. I wanted someone that wouldn't even ask me what was going on, but would instead just wrap me in a hug and hold me while I cried. I wanted someone that would go outside with me and scream at the top of their lungs with me. I wanted someone that would see that I had been sad, and would say or do something completely goofy just to take my mind off of it and make me laugh. As I have said many times in the last two weeks, it isn't my knowledge (head or heart) of God that has been hurt, it was that place in my heart that every girl has...the hole that is only for her earthly father...that hole in my heart that has always had a hope that one day it would be able to be filled, but the hole that laid gaping open last Wednesday, weeping and bleeding, knowing that that time has passed, and without much change on his heart from the only One that can truly change him, that time will never come on this earth.

So...I hope that helps clear up any questions or concerns any of you might have had as to my response as things have been progressing around here lately... :) Know that I love you and appreciate everything you feel and do for me! And I appreciate all of the love, care and concern you have shown me. You are in my heart! Forever! :)

Ok...this has gotten kind of long... :) But you all know me well, and know that I'm long winded! So there! :)

Love you!
~Vanessa

PS - Be praying for me, please. There are some decisions to be made, and just some clarity that I'm waiting on. (It is nothing bad! I promise!)

PSS - Thank you to those of you who have already planned trips to come visit me this summer while Spooky and I are all alone! :( And for those of you who are waiting for an invitation, consider this it! :) I'd love to have any and all of you come see me! :) There are still days/weeks that are open, and just waiting to be filled! :) So come on! :) Just let me know the dates before you make definite plans so we can avoid double booking! :D