Lots of verses have been sent my way since my last post. Many, many prayers have been sent up by me, and on my behalf. Many tears have been shed. Many hours of sleep have been lost. Many questions have been asked...and most have gone unanswered... :)
Let me share the verses with you :)
The first one came from my aunt Diane...
"For if you remain silent at this time, relief and deliverance for the Jews will arise from another place, but you and your father's family will perish. And who knows but that you have come to royal position for such a time as this?"
~Esther 4:14
...for such a time as this... These are the words we've been focusing on.
The things that I have learned and experienced since I've been in Texas have been life-changing and completely awesome. I have gone through a multitude of emotions and tears, as God has broken down long-standing walls, cultivated barren and hardened grounds, and planted seeds, which are, even now, beginning to grow and bloom.
There are things that God has spoken clearly to me in the last few weeks that I know I am to be a part of before I am able to go back home. I am currently here, for such a time as this... :)
The next two came from Ashley...
"To human beings belong the plans of the heart, but from the Lord comes proper answer of the tongue. People may think all their ways are pure, but motives are weighed by the Lord. Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and He will establish your plans. The Lord works out everything to its proper end...In their hearts human beings plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps."
~Proverbs 16:1-4...9
Basically, if I will just follow the path He sets me on, I'm set. :) Of course trials and tribulations will come (because I'm flesh, and far from perfect, and will inevitably try to grab the reigns back at one time or another...unfortunately...), but He's always gonna be there to catch me and redirect me. And if I do everything my feeble heart and mind can do to stay close to Him, He will quickly pull me back to Him at the first sign of trouble. :)
"You will go out in joy and be led forth in peace; the mountains and hills will burst into song before you, and all the trees of the field will clap their hands. Instead of the thornbush will grow the juniper, and instead of the briers the myrtle will grow. This will be for the Lord's renown, for an everlasting sign, that will endure forever."
~Isaiah 55:12-13
I absolutely LOVE the picture that is painted with the above words. The beauty that comes from simply following in His footsteps. :)
And the last comes from Pastor Wes...
"You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you."
~Isaiah 26:3
So...here it is...the answer that is giving me the "perfect peace," that has just settled into my heart in the last little while. And I know that this is different from everything I've flitted through the past almost-month, because I DO feel at peace with it.
I will be back in Georgia (for good...for now, at least... :) ) sometime between December 1st and February 1st. In the remaining 4 to 6 months I am here, I will be focusing on several things God has given me.
1. Continue writing on the book He started with me back in January.
2. Continue working on day-to-day life changes that He's inspired.
3. Comtinue digging deeper in the Word and growing deeper in my relationship with Him.
4. Begin to work with the Lynn's, preparing the children for what's to come, and help them adjust to the newest changes in their young lives, and start helping to implement some of the ideas God has given me for this family.
5. Begin to prepare myself for life without having the children with me every day (this summer, while being unbearably lonely at times, has definitely prepared me for what it will be like without having them around. Thank you God for always knowing what's best for us!).
6. Live every day to the fullest, and enjoy every moment I have left here! :)
I'll share more with you in the days to come, but I just wanted to get this out for now. Please pray with me as I begin step out into the Master's plan! :)
Love you ALL! :D
Sunday, August 2, 2009
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Calling All My Prayer Warriors! :)
I typed my blog Monday night, not knowing how my little world would turn on it's side in the following 12 hours.
You see, the "future thing" I was talking about in my last blog was this:
Ashley - my best Texas friend and the girl who disciples me - and I had an evening out a couple of months ago. The plan was to stop by Starbucks, fuel up and then pray and wait for God to show us someone He wanted to bless that evening, then go to the mall to pick up some items she needed for her mission trip, and finally dinner. Well...as women and plans go, our's didn't quite go as we had thought. :) We started at Starbucks, and wound up there for three and a half hours! I was catching her up on the stuff He had been giving me for my book, and then we were both just talking through things that those topics brought to the surface. All of a sudden, she just stopped, got really quiet, and then turned to me with the look in her eye. She said God had just given her a picture for me. She said that I was back home, working on the book, and was also in a square room at my church, with twelve other people around me, and the person directly to my right was a shorter, dark-haired man. I was leading this group through the seven discipleship lessons that we have here, and building the foundations up, to send these twelve out to start LifeGroups.
So, needless to say, after that I have had even more of a desire to be back in Georgia than I already had. My heart has been burning in my chest, just knowing that there is a purpose for me in my church, and that He is heading me directly for it. And so, with this picture in mind, I settled in to life, knowing that the Lynn's would be in Thailand in a year doing their ministry, and I would be in Georgia doing mine.
Tuesday morning, things got a little konky. Sharon announced that they had spoken with the leadership at Antioch, and basically, it was decided that they will be putting off 24:14 (the next step in their missionary schooling) for at least a year, and just focus on getting to know the Thailand team (through Skype, email, letters, phone calls, etc) better for the next year, before any major decisions are to be made.
So...where does that leave me, you may be asking. Truth is, at this point I just don't know for sure. With Sharon and David not having school, that means that they will be around to take care of the things with the kids, and around the house, and my help won't be needed in that capacity any longer.
The kids are a bit apprehensive, thinking about me leaving while they're still here. I don't think it had ever truly hit them until Tuesday, that soon, we won't all be together. And even if they had thought about me not being in Thailand when they go, they hadn't been prepared for me to have the opportunity to be gone so soon, especially with them still being stateside.
So....yeah. Needless to say, my mind and heart has just been boggled. I want to do only what God wants me to do, and nothing more or less than that, so I have to hear him clearly. So, what I'm asking of you, is for prayers for clarity. I joked the other night saying that it didn't do me any good to talk to anyone about this, because the people in Texas want me here, and the people in Georgia want me there, so there's lots of bias. :) As for me, there are things on both sides of me holding me tight, so I can honestly say that whatever answer comes will have to come straight from God, because I am split straight down the middle at this moment.
I love you all!
You see, the "future thing" I was talking about in my last blog was this:
Ashley - my best Texas friend and the girl who disciples me - and I had an evening out a couple of months ago. The plan was to stop by Starbucks, fuel up and then pray and wait for God to show us someone He wanted to bless that evening, then go to the mall to pick up some items she needed for her mission trip, and finally dinner. Well...as women and plans go, our's didn't quite go as we had thought. :) We started at Starbucks, and wound up there for three and a half hours! I was catching her up on the stuff He had been giving me for my book, and then we were both just talking through things that those topics brought to the surface. All of a sudden, she just stopped, got really quiet, and then turned to me with the look in her eye. She said God had just given her a picture for me. She said that I was back home, working on the book, and was also in a square room at my church, with twelve other people around me, and the person directly to my right was a shorter, dark-haired man. I was leading this group through the seven discipleship lessons that we have here, and building the foundations up, to send these twelve out to start LifeGroups.
So, needless to say, after that I have had even more of a desire to be back in Georgia than I already had. My heart has been burning in my chest, just knowing that there is a purpose for me in my church, and that He is heading me directly for it. And so, with this picture in mind, I settled in to life, knowing that the Lynn's would be in Thailand in a year doing their ministry, and I would be in Georgia doing mine.
Tuesday morning, things got a little konky. Sharon announced that they had spoken with the leadership at Antioch, and basically, it was decided that they will be putting off 24:14 (the next step in their missionary schooling) for at least a year, and just focus on getting to know the Thailand team (through Skype, email, letters, phone calls, etc) better for the next year, before any major decisions are to be made.
So...where does that leave me, you may be asking. Truth is, at this point I just don't know for sure. With Sharon and David not having school, that means that they will be around to take care of the things with the kids, and around the house, and my help won't be needed in that capacity any longer.
The kids are a bit apprehensive, thinking about me leaving while they're still here. I don't think it had ever truly hit them until Tuesday, that soon, we won't all be together. And even if they had thought about me not being in Thailand when they go, they hadn't been prepared for me to have the opportunity to be gone so soon, especially with them still being stateside.
So....yeah. Needless to say, my mind and heart has just been boggled. I want to do only what God wants me to do, and nothing more or less than that, so I have to hear him clearly. So, what I'm asking of you, is for prayers for clarity. I joked the other night saying that it didn't do me any good to talk to anyone about this, because the people in Texas want me here, and the people in Georgia want me there, so there's lots of bias. :) As for me, there are things on both sides of me holding me tight, so I can honestly say that whatever answer comes will have to come straight from God, because I am split straight down the middle at this moment.
I love you all!
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Where to begin...
...I am sitting here, wondering where in the world to start, cause there's a lot in my heart at the moment.
The Lynn's (David, Sharon, Samantha and Davis) left for their three week mission trip to Thailand on June 6th. Marcia flew out to visit me that same day, and stayed until the 12th. We had a great time, and she was awesome company for Spooky and me! :)
Ashley - great friend, and the girl that disciples me - left for her two week mission trip to Tunisia on June 13th, so we got together on the night of the 12th. We went out for sushi, then decided to go to the bridge - but before we went, we had to make a stop at the grocery store for flour tortillas, so we could take part in the Baylor tradition of "Tortilla Tossing." There's a whole point system, and you have to try to toss them on top of pillars left from an old bridge...anyway, that's another story...lol :)
As we got out of the car, there was heat lightning all around, and I started talking about how I would love for it to just rain down and soak us! :) I wanted to dance in the rain! :)
Backstory: I have a past with bad headaches. I don't know that they're migraines, cause I've never had them diagnosed, but they're no fun. Early February, they came back worse than ever, to the point where I was having 3 or 4 a day. There was a knot at the base of my skull that was always full of pain, and then when the true headache would start, it was like tentacles climbing out of the knot, and crawling all over my head, trapping my brain, and squeezing as hard as it could. It felt like something was trying to push my head into the ground. After a heavy dose of Advil Liquigels and a bit of closed-eye rest, the tentacles would retract, and it would go back to just the knot. I had asked Ashley at dinner if she had anything for a headache, cause I had gone off and left my bottle at home, and I could feel it coming on. She said no, and inquired as to what was going on, so I filled her in.
So...back to the bridge...we were dancing around the bridge, singing worship songs, and praying asking God to bring the rain. Ashley stopped midsentence, and said, "Vanessa, I feel like I am supposed to pray healing for your headaches." I immediately walked over to her, picked up her hands, put one over the knot, and the other covering the tentacles, and said, "Let's do it!" She started praying, and I could feel the tentacles retracting, but of course the knot was still there. Then she stopped praying and asked me to think back to when the headaches first, first started. At first I couldn't really pinpoint it, so I closed my eyes, and prayed asking God to reveal it to me - cause obviously it was something since He was putting it on her heart to find the source. I just waited for a few moments, wrapped in complete silence, and then itme like a rushing wind - the headaches with the knot first, first started right after Sharon announced that she was moving the kids to Texas and then they were moving to Iraq. From March of '07 to May of '08 I had headaches daily, but when I moved out here, they stopped. Then after World Mandate, when they found out where they were going for sure, and they started making plans to take the kids with them on this summer's trip, that was when the headaches came back. I told all of this to Ashley, and she kindly said, "Vanessa, you have to release them. Until you let the kids go, you're not going to get rid of the pain." I understood what she was saying, but honestly said, "I have to really want to release them, or I'm not really going to...and that's gonna take more than just me saying it..."
So I went to the middle of the bridge, stretched my arms open wide, and asked God to help me let them go. I just kept saying "Lord help me let go" over and over. The more I said it, the more the wind picked up around us, and began to rush over us, and then the knot began to slowly release. Finally, I felt confident enough to say, "Lord, I release them to you" and in that moment, it began to rain! :D Water drops raining down all over my upturned face and palms! He was covering me, and cleansing me! Then I was on a roll, and began releasing anything and everything I could begin to think of! It felt GOOD!!! :D
When I finished, Ashley prayed over me sealing it up, and then I opened my eyes. They were opened wider than they have been in a looooooooooooooooooong time, and I didn't hurt AT ALL!!! :D It was incredibly awesome! :)
So...the Wednesday before the Lynn's returned from their trip, I had a moment. Well, by some people's definition, it was a lot longer than a moment...more like a day. :) I just wanted to be home. I wanted to be with my mama and the rest of my family, with my church and friends, surrounded by everything I've always known, and loved. I was ready to pack me and Spooky up and hit the road. Mama was awesome enough to allow me to interrupt her work that afternoon, and she held the phone, as I sobbed, telling her how badly I wished to be back home, and how I just wanted the next year to pass really quickly so I could get on with it. She was wonderful, telling me how much she missed me, but reminding me of all the awesome things God has done while I've been out here, and reminding me how much the kids would miss me if I packed up early. The song "Stronger" started playing in my head - God has been using songs to speak loudly to me in the last several months - and so I claimed it as my life's song for this season. Only problem is, Hillsong hasn't released a CD with it on it, so I couldn't have my hands on it to really play it.
"Stronger"
Hillsong
There is Love That came for us
Humbled to a sinners cross
You broke my shame and sinfulness
You rose again victorious
Faithfulness none can deny
Through the storm
And through the fire
There is truth that sets me free
Jesus Christ who lives in me
You are stronger
You are stronger
Sin is broken
You have saved me
It is written
Christ is risen
Jesus You are Lord of all
No beginning and no end
You're my hope and my defense
You came to seek and save the lost
You paid it all upon the cross
So let Your Name be lifted higher
Be lifted higher
Be lifted higher
Sunday morning, we got to church, and from the moment the service started, tears were just pouring down my face - I wasn't sobbing, my eyes just sprung leaks! :D I was totally wrapped up in the service, and the songs were great, and then Jimmy (the pastor) got up on the stage to say the prayer for the offering, but instead, he said, "I think there's another song God wants us to sing this morning. I think there are some people out there that are holding on by a thread, and God wants to speak this song over them." He said a simple prayer, and then the chords to "Stronger" started up. The leaks became floods, and the the top of my shirt became soaked, as God threw His arms around me and held me close to His chest, rocking me back and forth and loving on me as only He can.
As soon as the song (which is the first song playing on the blog page) was over I sat down to journal. An excerpt:
"You did it. You're meeting me right where I am and you threw your arms right around me. I can feel your heart beating against my cheek! You love me! Completely. Fully. Unconditionally. Unexplainably. You know everything there is to know about me - past, present and future - and you want me...not in spite of it, but because of it! And you want to use me! Your love for me knows no bounds! You are everywhere. Your love surrounds me wherever I go. You are my constant. You are always holding me. You are in the happy moments, and in the sad moments. You rejoice with me when everything is going smoothly and you hold me and wipe away my tears when I feel like it is all crumbling around me. You are the answer to every question."
The song that played during the taking up of the offering was "How He Loves Us" - the second song playing on the page :)
"How He Loves Us"
Kim Walker
He is jealous for me
He love's like a hurricane
I am a tree
Bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy
When all of a sudden
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory
And I realize just how beautiful You are and how great your affections are for me
Oh, how He loves us so
Oh, how He loves us
How He loves us so
Yeah, He loves us
Whoa, how He loves us
Whoa, how He loves us
Whoa, how He loves
We are His portion and He is our prize
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes
If grace is an ocean, we're all sinking
So heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest
I don't have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way
He loves us,whoa, how He loves us
whoa, how He loves us Whoa, how He loves
So...to say I couldn't ignore the fact that He was really loving on me that day would be a huge understatement! :)
Ok...I think that this has gotten you at least a little bit caught up... :)
So sorry it has taken me so long to get something out again. I've been burying myself in the Word - starting at the beginning and picking it apart! And loving every minute of it!!! :D
I love you all, and don't EVER forget it! :D
Praying for you all, always! Loving you all, always! :)
Thank you for loving me! :)
PS - There's one more story involving a vision that was spoken over me regarding the future, but I have to tell someone else before I can broadcast it here. I have you interested now, huh? :D Don't ya love me?!?!? :D
The Lynn's (David, Sharon, Samantha and Davis) left for their three week mission trip to Thailand on June 6th. Marcia flew out to visit me that same day, and stayed until the 12th. We had a great time, and she was awesome company for Spooky and me! :)
Ashley - great friend, and the girl that disciples me - left for her two week mission trip to Tunisia on June 13th, so we got together on the night of the 12th. We went out for sushi, then decided to go to the bridge - but before we went, we had to make a stop at the grocery store for flour tortillas, so we could take part in the Baylor tradition of "Tortilla Tossing." There's a whole point system, and you have to try to toss them on top of pillars left from an old bridge...anyway, that's another story...lol :)
As we got out of the car, there was heat lightning all around, and I started talking about how I would love for it to just rain down and soak us! :) I wanted to dance in the rain! :)
Backstory: I have a past with bad headaches. I don't know that they're migraines, cause I've never had them diagnosed, but they're no fun. Early February, they came back worse than ever, to the point where I was having 3 or 4 a day. There was a knot at the base of my skull that was always full of pain, and then when the true headache would start, it was like tentacles climbing out of the knot, and crawling all over my head, trapping my brain, and squeezing as hard as it could. It felt like something was trying to push my head into the ground. After a heavy dose of Advil Liquigels and a bit of closed-eye rest, the tentacles would retract, and it would go back to just the knot. I had asked Ashley at dinner if she had anything for a headache, cause I had gone off and left my bottle at home, and I could feel it coming on. She said no, and inquired as to what was going on, so I filled her in.
So...back to the bridge...we were dancing around the bridge, singing worship songs, and praying asking God to bring the rain. Ashley stopped midsentence, and said, "Vanessa, I feel like I am supposed to pray healing for your headaches." I immediately walked over to her, picked up her hands, put one over the knot, and the other covering the tentacles, and said, "Let's do it!" She started praying, and I could feel the tentacles retracting, but of course the knot was still there. Then she stopped praying and asked me to think back to when the headaches first, first started. At first I couldn't really pinpoint it, so I closed my eyes, and prayed asking God to reveal it to me - cause obviously it was something since He was putting it on her heart to find the source. I just waited for a few moments, wrapped in complete silence, and then itme like a rushing wind - the headaches with the knot first, first started right after Sharon announced that she was moving the kids to Texas and then they were moving to Iraq. From March of '07 to May of '08 I had headaches daily, but when I moved out here, they stopped. Then after World Mandate, when they found out where they were going for sure, and they started making plans to take the kids with them on this summer's trip, that was when the headaches came back. I told all of this to Ashley, and she kindly said, "Vanessa, you have to release them. Until you let the kids go, you're not going to get rid of the pain." I understood what she was saying, but honestly said, "I have to really want to release them, or I'm not really going to...and that's gonna take more than just me saying it..."
So I went to the middle of the bridge, stretched my arms open wide, and asked God to help me let them go. I just kept saying "Lord help me let go" over and over. The more I said it, the more the wind picked up around us, and began to rush over us, and then the knot began to slowly release. Finally, I felt confident enough to say, "Lord, I release them to you" and in that moment, it began to rain! :D Water drops raining down all over my upturned face and palms! He was covering me, and cleansing me! Then I was on a roll, and began releasing anything and everything I could begin to think of! It felt GOOD!!! :D
When I finished, Ashley prayed over me sealing it up, and then I opened my eyes. They were opened wider than they have been in a looooooooooooooooooong time, and I didn't hurt AT ALL!!! :D It was incredibly awesome! :)
So...the Wednesday before the Lynn's returned from their trip, I had a moment. Well, by some people's definition, it was a lot longer than a moment...more like a day. :) I just wanted to be home. I wanted to be with my mama and the rest of my family, with my church and friends, surrounded by everything I've always known, and loved. I was ready to pack me and Spooky up and hit the road. Mama was awesome enough to allow me to interrupt her work that afternoon, and she held the phone, as I sobbed, telling her how badly I wished to be back home, and how I just wanted the next year to pass really quickly so I could get on with it. She was wonderful, telling me how much she missed me, but reminding me of all the awesome things God has done while I've been out here, and reminding me how much the kids would miss me if I packed up early. The song "Stronger" started playing in my head - God has been using songs to speak loudly to me in the last several months - and so I claimed it as my life's song for this season. Only problem is, Hillsong hasn't released a CD with it on it, so I couldn't have my hands on it to really play it.
"Stronger"
Hillsong
There is Love That came for us
Humbled to a sinners cross
You broke my shame and sinfulness
You rose again victorious
Faithfulness none can deny
Through the storm
And through the fire
There is truth that sets me free
Jesus Christ who lives in me
You are stronger
You are stronger
Sin is broken
You have saved me
It is written
Christ is risen
Jesus You are Lord of all
No beginning and no end
You're my hope and my defense
You came to seek and save the lost
You paid it all upon the cross
So let Your Name be lifted higher
Be lifted higher
Be lifted higher
Sunday morning, we got to church, and from the moment the service started, tears were just pouring down my face - I wasn't sobbing, my eyes just sprung leaks! :D I was totally wrapped up in the service, and the songs were great, and then Jimmy (the pastor) got up on the stage to say the prayer for the offering, but instead, he said, "I think there's another song God wants us to sing this morning. I think there are some people out there that are holding on by a thread, and God wants to speak this song over them." He said a simple prayer, and then the chords to "Stronger" started up. The leaks became floods, and the the top of my shirt became soaked, as God threw His arms around me and held me close to His chest, rocking me back and forth and loving on me as only He can.
As soon as the song (which is the first song playing on the blog page) was over I sat down to journal. An excerpt:
"You did it. You're meeting me right where I am and you threw your arms right around me. I can feel your heart beating against my cheek! You love me! Completely. Fully. Unconditionally. Unexplainably. You know everything there is to know about me - past, present and future - and you want me...not in spite of it, but because of it! And you want to use me! Your love for me knows no bounds! You are everywhere. Your love surrounds me wherever I go. You are my constant. You are always holding me. You are in the happy moments, and in the sad moments. You rejoice with me when everything is going smoothly and you hold me and wipe away my tears when I feel like it is all crumbling around me. You are the answer to every question."
The song that played during the taking up of the offering was "How He Loves Us" - the second song playing on the page :)
"How He Loves Us"
Kim Walker
He is jealous for me
He love's like a hurricane
I am a tree
Bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy
When all of a sudden
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory
And I realize just how beautiful You are and how great your affections are for me
Oh, how He loves us so
Oh, how He loves us
How He loves us so
Yeah, He loves us
Whoa, how He loves us
Whoa, how He loves us
Whoa, how He loves
We are His portion and He is our prize
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes
If grace is an ocean, we're all sinking
So heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest
I don't have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way
He loves us,whoa, how He loves us
whoa, how He loves us Whoa, how He loves
So...to say I couldn't ignore the fact that He was really loving on me that day would be a huge understatement! :)
Ok...I think that this has gotten you at least a little bit caught up... :)
So sorry it has taken me so long to get something out again. I've been burying myself in the Word - starting at the beginning and picking it apart! And loving every minute of it!!! :D
I love you all, and don't EVER forget it! :D
Praying for you all, always! Loving you all, always! :)
Thank you for loving me! :)
PS - There's one more story involving a vision that was spoken over me regarding the future, but I have to tell someone else before I can broadcast it here. I have you interested now, huh? :D Don't ya love me?!?!? :D
Saturday, June 13, 2009
Yeah...It's been a while... :)
So sorry about the long silence. Things around here were a little crazy in the weeks leading up to the departure of the family to Thailand. They left Dallas last Saturday (6/6) and Marcia came in from Georgia to stay with me for a week the same day! :) We had a great time while she was here, just hanging out and enjoying one another! :) It was great! :)
Life is going pretty well! Lots of things have happened, and I will definitely be typing up the details soon - God really loved on me last night! :D But right now, I am just going to relax and enjoy this beautiful day - Spooky is snuggled up against me on the couch, and we're just chillin'! :)
Love you!
Life is going pretty well! Lots of things have happened, and I will definitely be typing up the details soon - God really loved on me last night! :D But right now, I am just going to relax and enjoy this beautiful day - Spooky is snuggled up against me on the couch, and we're just chillin'! :)
Love you!
Friday, May 22, 2009
How to Stay Young
1. Try everything twice.
On one woman's tombstone she said she wanted this epitaph: "Tried everything twice - Loved it both times!"
2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down. (Keep this in mind if you are one of those grouches!)
3. Keep learning: Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever... Never let the brain get idle. 'An idle mind is the devil's workshop.' (And the devil's name is Alzheimer's!)
4. Enjoy the simple things.
5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath. And if you have a friend who makes you laugh, spend lots and lots oftime with him/her.
6. The tears happen: Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Live while you are alive.
7. Surround yourself with what you love: Whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.
8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.
9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.
10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.
11. Forgive now those who made you cry. You might not get a second chance.
12. Remember - that God is with us always. He knows us inside and out and loves us. We can turn to Him in good times and bad.
Remember! Lost time can never be found.
Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.
***So a friend of mine sent this to me today, and I absolutely love it. It so reminds me of exactly where my heart is.
Forget San Francisco...I left my heart in Georgia. Currently, the biggest pull in my heart is the pull to get back home. I totally understand why God brought me here, and I totally appreciate all that I have learned and come to understand in my time here. I enjoy every moment I have gotten to spend with the two precious children that have so overtaken every breath of my life here. And this, of course, is where the biggest problem lies...
For me to be back home means that these children, that hold whatever part of my heart wasn't left in Georgia, will no longer be in close range. They will no longer be a part of my every day life. I will no longer be able to be a part of their important moments, and I will not get to share in all the ups and downs of their day to day lives. And that, of course, tears me up as much as being so far away from home and everything I've always known and love so very much.
I went home last weekend for my sister's wedding. (She was an absolutely beautiful bride, by the way :) ) And while there, even though it was just for a very short while, I got to taste, once again, everything that I left behind. And it broke my heart. I barely got there before I was turning around to come right back here...blah. I need to stop :)
It's just that sometimes I get to REALLY missing home. This has been one of those weeks. So, I ask that you not feel sorry for me, or think that I'm sitting here in utter devastation, but instead, I ask that you pray that God will show Himself completely and totally present in every single second in the days, weeks, months and years to come. That He will make the path that He has for me well lit so I am able to see it clearly. There are many things that I long for, but I don't want any of them if they aren't what He has marked for me.
On a lighter note, our entire family now has Skype, and we've put it to very good use in the past week. Papa and Nanny had a talking cat in place of their own faces on video for a while, but they finally got it all fixed and taken care of, and now they have a hot pink beret attached to a lovely head of black hair, and beautiful bright silver, multi-colored lens sunglasses head thing that covers up the head of whomever is speaking on the video - Papa was absolutely stunning in his hat and shades! :)
Hope you all had an awesome week, and are looking forward to an even better weekend! :)
Love you all!
~Vanessa
On one woman's tombstone she said she wanted this epitaph: "Tried everything twice - Loved it both times!"
2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down. (Keep this in mind if you are one of those grouches!)
3. Keep learning: Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever... Never let the brain get idle. 'An idle mind is the devil's workshop.' (And the devil's name is Alzheimer's!)
4. Enjoy the simple things.
5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath. And if you have a friend who makes you laugh, spend lots and lots oftime with him/her.
6. The tears happen: Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Live while you are alive.
7. Surround yourself with what you love: Whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.
8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.
9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.
10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.
11. Forgive now those who made you cry. You might not get a second chance.
12. Remember - that God is with us always. He knows us inside and out and loves us. We can turn to Him in good times and bad.
Remember! Lost time can never be found.
Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.
***So a friend of mine sent this to me today, and I absolutely love it. It so reminds me of exactly where my heart is.
Forget San Francisco...I left my heart in Georgia. Currently, the biggest pull in my heart is the pull to get back home. I totally understand why God brought me here, and I totally appreciate all that I have learned and come to understand in my time here. I enjoy every moment I have gotten to spend with the two precious children that have so overtaken every breath of my life here. And this, of course, is where the biggest problem lies...
For me to be back home means that these children, that hold whatever part of my heart wasn't left in Georgia, will no longer be in close range. They will no longer be a part of my every day life. I will no longer be able to be a part of their important moments, and I will not get to share in all the ups and downs of their day to day lives. And that, of course, tears me up as much as being so far away from home and everything I've always known and love so very much.
I went home last weekend for my sister's wedding. (She was an absolutely beautiful bride, by the way :) ) And while there, even though it was just for a very short while, I got to taste, once again, everything that I left behind. And it broke my heart. I barely got there before I was turning around to come right back here...blah. I need to stop :)
It's just that sometimes I get to REALLY missing home. This has been one of those weeks. So, I ask that you not feel sorry for me, or think that I'm sitting here in utter devastation, but instead, I ask that you pray that God will show Himself completely and totally present in every single second in the days, weeks, months and years to come. That He will make the path that He has for me well lit so I am able to see it clearly. There are many things that I long for, but I don't want any of them if they aren't what He has marked for me.
On a lighter note, our entire family now has Skype, and we've put it to very good use in the past week. Papa and Nanny had a talking cat in place of their own faces on video for a while, but they finally got it all fixed and taken care of, and now they have a hot pink beret attached to a lovely head of black hair, and beautiful bright silver, multi-colored lens sunglasses head thing that covers up the head of whomever is speaking on the video - Papa was absolutely stunning in his hat and shades! :)
Hope you all had an awesome week, and are looking forward to an even better weekend! :)
Love you all!
~Vanessa
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Samantha's Baptism - 5/3/09
The girl is Meghan - she was Samantha's first LifeGroup leader this year (she moved to Dallas in January after graduating from Baylor, and Samantha was devastated).And of course, the little man on the right is my baby Davis! :)
I love the intense look of concentration on Davis' face! :)
Beautiful moment!
And precious Davis praying over his sister! AWESOME!!!
The way baptism works at Antioch is pretty awesome in my book. We go off of the charge of the Great Commission out of Matthew 28:19
Then Jesus came to them and said, "All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.
In fully believing that, we believe that everyone that has been saved becomes a disciple of Christ, and therefore we have all been given the charge to make disciples of others (lead them to Jesus), and to baptize them.
So, it is very special to watch baptisms here, because the people baptizing and praying over the person being baptized have had significant impact on the person's life.
So when you decide to be baptized, you have to decide who is going to baptize you and who is going to pray over you!
Davis was soooooo super excited when Samantha asked him if he would pray over her after she was baptized! And his prayer was one that shook the church! That boy has It! And he uses It!!!
GODBUMPS!!! :D
David's Baptism - 5/3/09
The guy with the microphone is Shoan - the leader of Elevate.The other guy is Chris - a fellow Elevate student, and a great friend of David's.
I know this one is very, very fuzzy (give me a break, cause I was squatting in front of the baptismal pool, trying to watch everything, take pictures, and see through my happy tears! :) ), but I absolutely LOVE David's face in this one! Awesome moment! :)
So sorry for the silence!
I am very tired at the moment, so this probably won't be very long... :)
But I would like to apologize for the lack of communication and information here lately. Life has been pretty crazy around this place - work has kept me quite busy in all the hours that I'm not sleeping or taking care of my babies, and when I would have a few minutes of time where I did have the chance to write a sentence or two, my computer decided to revolt against me, and I could not get it to allow me to get on my blog page! :P So alas...it has taken me a while to get here.
Anyway, please know that lots of great things have been happening here lately! :) Namely, God has been writing my book with me again - lots of brainstorming and late night typing has been happening here lately! :) And it is EXCITING!!! :D So far, I have the title of the book, 15 chapter titles, and the general idea of all 15 chapters - along with a life story for each chapter, and lots of good thoughts, quotes and ideas colliding! :) Yay! :)
I have pictures from Samantha and David's baptism last Sunday, but I won't be putting them up tonight. I really must be making my way to bed soon... :)
Alrighty then. I thank you for putting up with me even when I am not writing or saying very much...or anything at all really... :) And thank you for always loving and encouraging me!
Love you all dearly!
Have an awesome rest of the week! :)
But I would like to apologize for the lack of communication and information here lately. Life has been pretty crazy around this place - work has kept me quite busy in all the hours that I'm not sleeping or taking care of my babies, and when I would have a few minutes of time where I did have the chance to write a sentence or two, my computer decided to revolt against me, and I could not get it to allow me to get on my blog page! :P So alas...it has taken me a while to get here.
Anyway, please know that lots of great things have been happening here lately! :) Namely, God has been writing my book with me again - lots of brainstorming and late night typing has been happening here lately! :) And it is EXCITING!!! :D So far, I have the title of the book, 15 chapter titles, and the general idea of all 15 chapters - along with a life story for each chapter, and lots of good thoughts, quotes and ideas colliding! :) Yay! :)
I have pictures from Samantha and David's baptism last Sunday, but I won't be putting them up tonight. I really must be making my way to bed soon... :)
Alrighty then. I thank you for putting up with me even when I am not writing or saying very much...or anything at all really... :) And thank you for always loving and encouraging me!
Love you all dearly!
Have an awesome rest of the week! :)
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
The Birthday Celebration! :)
The weekend of Samantha's 13th birthday brought a ton of fun our (Samantha, Davis and I) way! Sharon and David were gone from Friday afternoon until Sunday afternoon, being part of a poverty simulation for their Elevate class. We made the most of our weekend! :)
We started out with pedicures! Wonderful fun! :) We thoroughly enjoyed our pampering! :)
Here's a picture of Samantha enjoying every single second! :)
Davis enjoyed it as much as we did! :) He absolutely loved the massage chair! We were there for a little over an hour, and the people taking care of us never let them stop massaging! It was wonderful!
Here are all of our lovely toes! :)
Samantha and I have flowers and jewels! :)
Then we headed to Target to shop for all of our weekend treats and goodies! :)
We came home and made dinner, and then started on Samantha's Sunshine Coconut Cake! :)
Here is the batter, split and ready to go into the oven! :)
And here are the finished layers!
And here are the layers with the lemon filling spread between them.
(I'm sorry Marcia - I just couldn't figure out how to successfully split all of the layers to make 6...I'm sorry! :( )
And here it is with the HARD AS A ROCK icing on it, and the clumped up coconut clumped up ALL OVER it! :P
And here are my little loves posing with the beautiful cake! Lol
Yes...we do only have one candle in it! We were a little afraid that if we put all 13 that the cake would crumble and be completely inedible! :P Lol
However, both the kids loved the cake, even in all of the icky glory...and in the end...that's all that really matters anyway... :)
BLOW! :)
And here it is after the cut was made! :)
And here is Spooky - a puppy that thoroughly enjoyed all of his fun with us that weekend! And enjoyed sleeping right in the middle of us both nights! :)
Yes...he is just a tad bit spoiled! And that is just fine! :)
We cleaned their rooms on Saturday, because it poured down rain all Friday night and all day Saturday. They went through all of their stuff and made piles of what they wanted to keep, and what could go in the "Yard Sale for Thailand" pile. We then rearranged both of their rooms, and did a thorough cleaning job! :)
We cooked lunch and dinner, and then settled in for a viewing of High School Musical 3 :)
Sunday, we went to church, and then headed to Olive Garden (thank you Mama for treating us!) for lunch. After that we went and hung out in a deserted corner of the Lowe's parking lot and played a game that Samantha and Davis had learned at LifeGroup the week before! :) We had a BLAST!!! :D
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Jesus cried too!
A little over a week ago, I got some pretty bad news about someone close to me. And I was upset. I was first in disbelief, followed by anger, and then a deep sadness fell over me. My mind began spinning, as I tried to grasp exactly what this news meant, and how it could alter all the tomorrows...But mostly, I was just incredibly sad, and wanted be able to put my arms around this person, to see their face, and to sit in their presence. Just to know that, for that moment at least, they were ok.
I spent that night mostly awake, journaling and emailing. Talking to others who had just found out the news, and feeling such a sense of unity knowing that we were all walking through it together - no one was alone, and everyone understood the emotions that were pouring through our hearts and minds.
Upon getting home from work the next afternoon, I found an email in my Inbox, adressed to me and several others.
***Before I go any further, I will say that the opinions that are about to be expressed are mine, and mine alone. I pray that the person that sent the email meant it to be an encouragement, rather than the slap across the face that I felt it as being.
Anyway, after spending the 10 minutes it took to read the email (it was a long one), I sat back frustrated and quite angry. Basically, I felt like I had been told that by being sad, depressed, fearful and tearful, that I was letting the life and energy be sucked right out of me, and that was not of God. I felt like I had been doused with a bucket of cold water.
Upon finishing, I decided that the person that sent the email either 1: has lost their ability to feel anything or 2: is completely clueless. (I still haven't decided which it is...)
So...I have spent the last week, angry at this person, and hiding away in my little shell, trying to find the truth in all this. I will not negate the fact that it is not good for us to wallow around in our sorrows and fears day in and day out forever and ever and ever. However, I feel that we are completely justified in being sad and upset and tearful when we get devastating news, that could possibly alter the rest of our lives. I think if we weren't affected by devastating news, then there would be much more wrong with us than the news we just received. (I think I have decided the thing that made me the most upset with the email was the fact that it was sent less than 12 hours from the time we heard the news. Translation: We hadn't even had time to fully process what we had been told, and before we had even waded through all that, we were being told to suck it up.)
So...I went on a scavenger hunt tonight...and I know that after I finish this, and turn in for the night tonight, I will sleep better than I have in a week. Because I know the truth, have embraced it, and will go forward from tonight.
"Jesus wept." John 11:35
We all know the story of Lazarus. He died, and Jesus brought him back from the dead. But what happened between the time he died and Jesus brought him back? Jesus wept. As a matter of fact, not only did Jesus weep, but, "was deeply moved in spirit and troubled." AND HE KNEW WHAT HE WAS ABOUT TO DO!!! He KNEW He was about to raise Lazarus from the dead, and He STILL wept! AND had a deeply moved spirit and was troubled!!! So don't you think that might just mean that we are pretty much guaranteed to be moved to emotion? If Jesus, the one who made the world, knows how many hairs are on our head, knew when we were to be born, and when we were to die, all before the world came into existence wept - I'm pretty sure we will spend some of our time here on this earth weeping as well!
"He took Peter, James and John along with Him, and He began to be deeply distressed and troubled. 'My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death,' he said to them. 'Stay here and keep watch.' Going a little farther, He fell to the ground and prayed that if possible the hour might pass from Him." Mark 14:33-35
And He didn't pray just once, but he returned twice after that, pleading that the cup would pass from Him.
"He withdrew about a stone's throw beyond them, knelt down and prayed, 'Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but your's be done.' An angel from Heaven appeared to Him and strengthened Him. And being in anguish, He prayed more earnestly, and His sweat was like drops of blood falling to the ground." John 22:41-44
Even after the angel from Heaven appeared to Him and strengthened Him, he was STILL in anguish! The God/Man, being strengthed by an angel from Heaven was anguished to the point that His sweat was like blood!
Anyway, what I am trying to allow you to see, is what He has shown me. It's ok to be sad, and it's ok to grieve. Jesus knew that the only way to save us all was to sacrifice Himself. He knew exactly what He was going to be going through. He knew what the pain would be. He knew how excruciatingly horrible the beatings, spearings, and the crucifixion itself would be. But more than all of that, He knew what the outcome was. He knew that by His death, we would live! He knew that by His blood, we would be saved and healed! He knew that by His suffering, we would be made complete!
And yet, He was still filled with sorrow, and was in anguish. How much worse is it for us mere humans that don't know what tomorrow holds? If we are saved, we know what our eternity will be, but what about the days until then? And what about those that are watching us suffer and face whatever is coming our way?
You can have whatever opinion you wish to have.
You can believe that to be a Christian is to accept life as it comes, and not waste time on tears and sorrow, and believe that to show sadness and sorrow somehow means that you don't have faith in God.
Or you can believe that to be a Christian, is to be human. And to be human is to feel. And if the 100% human/100% God Jesus wept, then you are allowed to as well. And that showing your sadness and sorrow does not mean that you have no faith in God. It simply means that you are hurting.
What does all this mean for me? It means that there will be days when I cry. There will be days when I'm just thoughtful, and a little sad. But like Jesus in the garden that evening, I know that even through my sadness, God is always here! He hears every cry of my heart! He knows that a pool of my tears does not mean that I no longer believe He is the God of love, and He knows that I will always pray with fervent hope that He will provide a miracle, and I can look back and laugh over the tears I shed for the circumstance that no longer exists! Lord, let it be!
So, you can cry with me, laugh with me, pray with me, pray for me or ignore this completely. It's your choice.
But I can tell you one thing...the night we got the news, I firmly believe Jesus was crying right along with us. :)
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Overcome
Overcome
by Desperation Band
Seated above, enthroned in the Father's love
Destined to die, poured out for all mankind
God's only son, perfect and spotless One
He never sinned, but suffered as if He did
All authority, Every victory, is Your's
All authority, Every victory, is Your's
Savior, worthy of honor and glory
Worthy of all our praise, You overcame
Jesus, awesome in power forever
Awesome and great is Your name, You overcame
Power in hand, speaking the Father's plan
You're sending us out, light in this broken land
We will overcome
By the Blood of the Lamb
And the word of our testimony
Everyone overcome
by Desperation Band
Seated above, enthroned in the Father's love
Destined to die, poured out for all mankind
God's only son, perfect and spotless One
He never sinned, but suffered as if He did
All authority, Every victory, is Your's
All authority, Every victory, is Your's
Savior, worthy of honor and glory
Worthy of all our praise, You overcame
Jesus, awesome in power forever
Awesome and great is Your name, You overcame
Power in hand, speaking the Father's plan
You're sending us out, light in this broken land
We will overcome
By the Blood of the Lamb
And the word of our testimony
Everyone overcome
We will overcome!
I love you.
PS - Video link:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ruTV6goauGQ&feature=related
Picture Post :)
This is for Mama and Marcia! :) Davis asked me to make him Peanut Butter and Jelly mixed one Sunday evening - cause he absolutely loves it mixed - and I snapped a shot, so Mama and Marcia could feel like they were here! :)
Marcia sent Spooky some treats to enjoy! :) The first picture is of him chowing down on it, the second is him looking at me hoping he was going to get another one right that second! :)
Precious puppy! :)
Easter Egg Hunt 2009
Samantha and Davis - before the hunt
Samantha yanking her sunglasses out of her hair so she would not be hindered! :)
Davis dashing to fill his basket!
Samantha with all her eggs! Yes, she has all the pockets in her jacket STUFFED as well! :)
Davis with his loot! :) And yes, that is a hard-boiled egg he is holding in his hand! Altogether, he and Samantha gathered 20 hard-boiled eggs along with over 100 plastic eggs (filled with candy, of course!)! :)
All the girls and female leaders in our Urban LifeGroup at our Easter Celebration! This picture was snapped about two seconds before the boys pelted us with confetti filled eggs! :P
Boys will be boys... *sigh* lol :)
Davis and I had a "campout" the weekend Sharon and David had training for Elevate, and Samantha was gone for her youth Spring Retreat!
It started out as a wonderful Spring day, weather in the 70s, nice, slow breeze blowing to keep you from getting too hot, etc.
About 4A, all that changed! The temperature dropped, and the wind was blowing so hard, it was picking our tent up off the ground at the corners! Davis made the executive decision that...
...we would be "sticking it out" - so we did! And we stayed snuggled and cuddled and piled under everything we had inside the tent with us until 7:16A! What a night! :) But we had a great time! :) And thoroughly enjoyed it!
This is our front "flower bed" - for lack of a better term...
Needless to say, it hasn't been looked after very well, and if you will peer closely, you will see the gigantic weed growing up out of the ground next to the sidewalk...
And here is Davis standing beside it...
Davis is 5ft tall...
Yes, that's one tall weed!
...and this picture was taken at the beginning of April, so it has grown since then! :)
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
The beat of my heart...
A lot has happened since my last blog. Some that I can expound on, some that I cannot. I have learned a few things quite well over the last two weeks:
1 - Life is completely unpredictable
2 - There are many people that care
3 - It's healthy to grieve
4 - I am going to be ok
5 - Healing is happening
6 - I can't change the past, and I can't predict the future...I just have to live fully in every single second of the present
7 - I am a work of God - knowing that, I also fully understand now that I will never be completely whole and pain free until Heaven. There will be days when memories of the past will so overwhelm me that I will crumble beneath them, and there are days when I will long for His promises of my future to be fulfilled quicker than they seem to be. However, I believe with all my heart that the tears will lessen over time, the pain will change from a searing pain to a dull ache and I will be able to go through one whole day, then one whole week, then one whole month, without having to relive any of it.
8 - I will be used fully to enhance the Kingdom of God - not in spite of all of my baggage, but because of it! Praise God!!! :)
First off, if you haven't read The Shack, get a copy of it and read it as soon as possible! It will turn your world upside down if you'll allow it!
As a funny sidenote, this book has been chasing me for a while, and finally caught me! :) Mama got it for us right when it first came out. I began to read it, but didn't get more than a couple of chapters down before I gave up because I thought it was about the strangest book I'd ever put my hands on. Then for this past birthday, the family (Sharon, David, Samantha and Davis) got it for me, because Sharon had heard such great things about it, and she knows how I love to read. So, in the interest of trying to embrace and appreciate a gift from people I care about, I started it again. I stopped in about the same place as I did the first time - maybe not even that far... - and decided that the people reviewing that book must have all lost their minds. Then a friend from here came back from Spring Break having read it on the plane flight back from Florida, and was raving about how good it was. So I just asked her exactly why she thought it was a good book, and explained to her how far I had gotten, and why I had stopped each time. She told me that I absolutely had to read it, and that I needed to read and take in the first part because it was essential to the story, but that I just needed to suck it up and push on through it. So I did. And I've never been so glad that I did. :)
This book opened up my mind, but more importantly, my heart. It shows an amazingly clear picture of the Trinity, and just exactly what God had in mind when He created man. The relationship that He so longs to have with us. And it also allowed me to see into the heart of God. To fully realize that every person ever created is a child of God - the "good" people and the evil people...and He loves us all completely, fully and unconditionally.
Oh! Just typing about it makes me want to get it out and read it again right now! :) Go get it and read it ASAP! :D
PS - I read this book the Friday morning before I found out about Daddy remarrying. Having the thoughts in my heart and mind from this book helped carry me through that and helped me keep everything in perspective as I waded through my emotions and feelings surrounding that day.
1 - Life is completely unpredictable
2 - There are many people that care
3 - It's healthy to grieve
4 - I am going to be ok
5 - Healing is happening
6 - I can't change the past, and I can't predict the future...I just have to live fully in every single second of the present
7 - I am a work of God - knowing that, I also fully understand now that I will never be completely whole and pain free until Heaven. There will be days when memories of the past will so overwhelm me that I will crumble beneath them, and there are days when I will long for His promises of my future to be fulfilled quicker than they seem to be. However, I believe with all my heart that the tears will lessen over time, the pain will change from a searing pain to a dull ache and I will be able to go through one whole day, then one whole week, then one whole month, without having to relive any of it.
8 - I will be used fully to enhance the Kingdom of God - not in spite of all of my baggage, but because of it! Praise God!!! :)
THE SHACK
by William P Young
by William P Young
First off, if you haven't read The Shack, get a copy of it and read it as soon as possible! It will turn your world upside down if you'll allow it!
As a funny sidenote, this book has been chasing me for a while, and finally caught me! :) Mama got it for us right when it first came out. I began to read it, but didn't get more than a couple of chapters down before I gave up because I thought it was about the strangest book I'd ever put my hands on. Then for this past birthday, the family (Sharon, David, Samantha and Davis) got it for me, because Sharon had heard such great things about it, and she knows how I love to read. So, in the interest of trying to embrace and appreciate a gift from people I care about, I started it again. I stopped in about the same place as I did the first time - maybe not even that far... - and decided that the people reviewing that book must have all lost their minds. Then a friend from here came back from Spring Break having read it on the plane flight back from Florida, and was raving about how good it was. So I just asked her exactly why she thought it was a good book, and explained to her how far I had gotten, and why I had stopped each time. She told me that I absolutely had to read it, and that I needed to read and take in the first part because it was essential to the story, but that I just needed to suck it up and push on through it. So I did. And I've never been so glad that I did. :)
This book opened up my mind, but more importantly, my heart. It shows an amazingly clear picture of the Trinity, and just exactly what God had in mind when He created man. The relationship that He so longs to have with us. And it also allowed me to see into the heart of God. To fully realize that every person ever created is a child of God - the "good" people and the evil people...and He loves us all completely, fully and unconditionally.
Oh! Just typing about it makes me want to get it out and read it again right now! :) Go get it and read it ASAP! :D
PS - I read this book the Friday morning before I found out about Daddy remarrying. Having the thoughts in my heart and mind from this book helped carry me through that and helped me keep everything in perspective as I waded through my emotions and feelings surrounding that day.
CAPTIVATING
by John and Stasi Eldredge
The second "life-altering" book that's been presented to me in less than a month! As I was talking to a friend of mine here (she's the mama to one of the boys that plays soccer on Davis' team - we got really close last season, and have continued to get together for lunch and such since), and she said that she had a book she wanted me to read. She is the one that had encouraged me to read The Shack when I finally did, so I figured she'd know a good book for me, and eagerly accepted it when she passed it on to me two weeks ago at the soccer game. I hadn't had any down time to start reading it, until last Wednesday night after I got Samantha home from her youth group.
Sidenote - that day was also the day I found out that Daddy has diabetes, looks very sickly, is moving to Florida with his new wife in two weeks, and never intended for us to know. Let's suffice it to say that Wednesday was an extremely hard day.
So I got home that night and decided I would escape in a book. I picked Captivating up, and instead of escaping, I hit the wall head on. But it was magnificent! I have found out so many things about myself while reading this book! It has been such an amazing experience! I immediately called Mama to tell her that that is what I wanted for my "Easter basket!" :) All I wanted was a copy of my very own that I could make notes in and hi-light and cry over and rejoice over and underline and read over, and over and over again! :)
Maybe one day, after the healing from these current days is complete, I'll share with you all, all the things God has shown me in the last week...right now I'm still a little tender. But know, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that not only is He working in me and on me, but that we aren't working with bandaids! He is scraping off scabs, and digging deep to find the true source of each and every wound, and we're rebuilding from there. It has been extremely painful, and extremely magnificent.
The one thing I will share, is that God has clearly told me that I am to start calling Him "Daddy." For now, my earthly father is out of my life (by his choosing) and He has shown me that the only way to begin dealing with these wounds is to allow it all to go to Him. He wants to be my Daddy. So I'm gonna let Him. :) Fully and completely. So from here on out, when I say "Daddy," I'll be referring to my REAL Daddy! :) The one that loves me unconditionally, and FOREVER!!! The One that will NEVER leave me, and NEVER forsake me! The One that is a father to the fatherless! The One that has my name written on the palm of His hand! The One that knew me before I was in Mama's womb! The One that thought of me before He even created the world! And the One that had me on His mind when He was taking His last breaths on that cross! The One that loves me for all I am - broken, bleeding, and bandaged! The One that wants to bear it all for me! And the one that rejoices over me with singing! :) The One that made me to worship Him with every part of me and every breath I breathe! The One that has given me gifts and talents that He sees as creative and beautiful, even when no one else does! The One that loves me with all He is, and all He has! The One who created me! :)
Praise the Lord!
Praise the Lord, O my soul; all my inmost being, praise His holy name.
Praise the Lord, O my soul; and forget not all His benefits -
Who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases
Who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion,
Who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.
The Lord works righteousness and justice for all the oppressed.
He made known His ways to Moses, His deeds to the people of Israel:
The Lord is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love.
He will not always accuse, nor will he harbor his anger forever;
He does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities.
For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is His love for those who fear Him;
As far as the east is from the west, so far has He removed our transgressions from us.
As a father has compassion on his children, so the Lord has compassion on those who fear Him;
For He knows how we are formed, He remembers that we are dust.
As for man, his days are like grass, he flourishes like a flower of the field;
The wind blows over it and it is gone, and its place remembers it no more.
But from everlasting to everlasting the Lord's love is with those who fear Him, and His righteousness with their children's children-with those who keep His covenant and remember to obey His precepts.
The Lord has established His throne in heaven, and His kingdom rules over all.
Praise the Lord, you His angels, you mighty ones who do His bidding, who obey His word.
Praise the Lord, all His heavenly hosts, you His servants who do His will.
Praise the Lord, all His works everywhere in His dominion. Praise the Lord, O my soul.
~Psalm 103
I sit here smiling at the screen on my laptop, as if I am sitting right in front of each one of you sharing all that has been happening in the last two weeks! My heart has been ripped to shreds, but He is reigning victorious! He is stronger! (Which reminds me of the song that has been in my heart through it all! Check it out! The link's below! I found the video that has the lyrics on the screen so you can clearly know exactly what the words are, and you can understand why it has had such a grasp on me!:) )
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sv55FMjeMV0
What I would like to try to clarify for any of you who might have been unfortunate enough to encounter me while I was in the bottom of the pit, is what was on my heart. I was having an extremely difficult time accepting that this might truly be the end final end of my relationship on this earth with my earthly father. My heart was broken. Completely and totally. I was bleeding. And I was grieving.
Many well meaning people, not wanting to just say nothing when they heard of what was going on, wanted to respond with "church answers" (truth, but churchy none the less...) - "Vanessa, God is the father you father never was." "Vanessa, take this to God, he'll hold you and comfort you." God is your comfort." "God is your provider." "God is the ultimate father." "I'll pray for you to have strength in the days to come." "Some people never even knew their fathers."
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
Finally, I decided that I would just stop being honest with people when they said, "How are you?" or "Vanessa, are you ok?" or "Your eyes look swollen...have you been crying?" Because I just knew beyond the shadow of a doubt if ONE MORE PERSON gave me ONE MORE WELL MEANING RESPONSE, I was going to give them one well meaning bonk on the end of their nose! :P (Ok...probably wouldn't have really bonked anyone...but I probably would have just let out a scream from the very depths of the very bottom of my soul!)
As I told Mama, and as God confirmed for me, I just wanted to get it off me! I needed to share the burden. I needed to tell people what was going on. I needed to have people rally around me and hold me up! But I didn't need them to try and "fix it." I wanted someone that would just listen, and when I finished say, "You know what Vanessa? That just sucks." I wanted someone that would listen, and as I cried through it, they would cry with me. I wanted someone that wouldn't even ask me what was going on, but would instead just wrap me in a hug and hold me while I cried. I wanted someone that would go outside with me and scream at the top of their lungs with me. I wanted someone that would see that I had been sad, and would say or do something completely goofy just to take my mind off of it and make me laugh. As I have said many times in the last two weeks, it isn't my knowledge (head or heart) of God that has been hurt, it was that place in my heart that every girl has...the hole that is only for her earthly father...that hole in my heart that has always had a hope that one day it would be able to be filled, but the hole that laid gaping open last Wednesday, weeping and bleeding, knowing that that time has passed, and without much change on his heart from the only One that can truly change him, that time will never come on this earth.
So...I hope that helps clear up any questions or concerns any of you might have had as to my response as things have been progressing around here lately... :) Know that I love you and appreciate everything you feel and do for me! And I appreciate all of the love, care and concern you have shown me. You are in my heart! Forever! :)
Ok...this has gotten kind of long... :) But you all know me well, and know that I'm long winded! So there! :)
Love you!
~Vanessa
PS - Be praying for me, please. There are some decisions to be made, and just some clarity that I'm waiting on. (It is nothing bad! I promise!)
PSS - Thank you to those of you who have already planned trips to come visit me this summer while Spooky and I are all alone! :( And for those of you who are waiting for an invitation, consider this it! :) I'd love to have any and all of you come see me! :) There are still days/weeks that are open, and just waiting to be filled! :) So come on! :) Just let me know the dates before you make definite plans so we can avoid double booking! :D
Thursday, April 2, 2009
There's a lot to this little sign... :)
Ok...when I was 10 or 11, my aunt Diane got me started on the Christy Miller series of books by Robin Jones Gunn. She got me the first four books in the series for part of my Christmas that year, and I read them all that night after we got home, refusing to go to bed until I had finished them all. As soon as stores were open the day after Christmas, I had Mama calling to order the rest of the series for me! Those went into the Sierra Jensen series, Todd and Christy The College Years, and now she is writing the Katie Weldon series (yes, I am just as excited about them now as I was that first Christmas Eve when I got my hands on book one! :) ). The characters have grown, matured and changed as I have, and I have thoroughly enjoyed growing with them! :) (I'm going to stop now, so you all won't think me completely crazy...lol)
Anyway, in these books, when something significant happens, they always put their hand on the person's forehead, and give the blessing, "May the Lord bless you and keep you, may He make His face shine upon you." I fell in love with it the first time I ever read it, and had no idea it was a Bible verse!
So, fast forward to last year when we got to the end of our very first service at The Lord's Vineyard. I was already very impressed with the church, but that was only our first time going, and we hadn't gone anywhere else yet to compare, so I was still open to checking out other options. Anyway, Pastor Wes came to the end of the service and said, "Can I bless you?" to the congregation. Now I didn't know what in the world he was talking about, but everybody was smiling and blessings are supposed to be good, so I was going with it. Then he opened his mouth and said, "May the Lord bless you and keep you. The Lord make His face shine on you and be gracious to you. The Lord turn His face toward you and give you..." And everyone said, "Peace!"
At this point, I knew this was my church! But as I looked at Pastor Wes, I just couldn't picture him sitting in his living room, in a big overstuffed chair, cuddled up reading the Christy Miller series and falling in love with this blessing as I had! :) So I went home and googled it and found it in Numbers 6:24-26! :)
Last week, I had to go to our local Christian bookstore to pick up a book to send to a friend. Anyway, as I was there, I decided to just do a little browsing, as I had never really looked anywhere but at the book section before! I walked around the first corner of the "knick knack" section, and there, right in the middle of the wall, with about 30 other framed things around it was the plaque in the picture above! :) And as clearly as I saw that plaque, I could see it hanging above a crib in my future nursery! :) It came home with me that day! And it is now hanging above my dresser! A daily reminder of the promise God intended with that blessing, and a daily reminder of a church full of people that love me back home! :)
I love you all! :)
Anyway, in these books, when something significant happens, they always put their hand on the person's forehead, and give the blessing, "May the Lord bless you and keep you, may He make His face shine upon you." I fell in love with it the first time I ever read it, and had no idea it was a Bible verse!
So, fast forward to last year when we got to the end of our very first service at The Lord's Vineyard. I was already very impressed with the church, but that was only our first time going, and we hadn't gone anywhere else yet to compare, so I was still open to checking out other options. Anyway, Pastor Wes came to the end of the service and said, "Can I bless you?" to the congregation. Now I didn't know what in the world he was talking about, but everybody was smiling and blessings are supposed to be good, so I was going with it. Then he opened his mouth and said, "May the Lord bless you and keep you. The Lord make His face shine on you and be gracious to you. The Lord turn His face toward you and give you..." And everyone said, "Peace!"
At this point, I knew this was my church! But as I looked at Pastor Wes, I just couldn't picture him sitting in his living room, in a big overstuffed chair, cuddled up reading the Christy Miller series and falling in love with this blessing as I had! :) So I went home and googled it and found it in Numbers 6:24-26! :)
Last week, I had to go to our local Christian bookstore to pick up a book to send to a friend. Anyway, as I was there, I decided to just do a little browsing, as I had never really looked anywhere but at the book section before! I walked around the first corner of the "knick knack" section, and there, right in the middle of the wall, with about 30 other framed things around it was the plaque in the picture above! :) And as clearly as I saw that plaque, I could see it hanging above a crib in my future nursery! :) It came home with me that day! And it is now hanging above my dresser! A daily reminder of the promise God intended with that blessing, and a daily reminder of a church full of people that love me back home! :)
I love you all! :)
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
It's not over...til it's over...
I've been writing this blog in my head for a few days now... I just didn't know where to begin. I thought of starting at the beginning, but couldn't really find where that was... Then I thought of beginning at the end, and that's when I realized that it's not over. It's FAR from over (or at least I hope it's far...lol)
You see, Friday night it was confirmed that Daddy has remarried (third wife...at least I only know of three...lol). Let me make it very clear up front that it does not bother me that he's married - I just feel sorry for the woman - it's simply the significance that is marked by the fact that he's married, and yet I didn't find it out from him...but through family that heard it through someone at church, because he happened to marry one of her relatives. Yeah. Twisted, I know.
March 14th marked the one year mark from the day I called Daddy and left him upteen messages pouring my heart and soul out to him. Ok...I think that I already wrote this pretty well the other day in an email I sent a friend after I heard the news. The email went as follows:
I know today's news probably shouldn't have bothered me at all...but I guess this was just a bad week for it. Last Saturday was the year mark from the day I last tried to make contact - I called him and left messages, cause he didn't pick up, and offered him complete forgiveness for all he had done to me, and I asked his forgiveness for holding onto everything as long as I had. I apologized for not being the daughter he wanted, and apologized for expecting too much from him. I hadn't heard from him for 6 months before that call, and I haven't heard anything from him since.
Daddy was physically abusive toward me until I was 8, and Mama moved us out of the house he had built, and we all had shared as a "family." Instances ranged from him using his hands, fork, hairbrush and remote... But even more than the physical abuse was the emotional and mental abuse. I could never be enough for him. Ever. I made straight A's through my entire school career, graduated 13th in a class of 380 something students, with honors...and that still wasn't enough. I could have applied myself a little more - I could have been in the top 10 if I had tried a little harder!
The only times he EVER showed up to anything that I was a part of was when I was being recognized for an achievement, and being given an award! Those were the times he would actually acknowledge me, hug me, and tell people he was proud of me. But let me just be singing or acting - which were two HUGE loves of mine - and he would never show up. Then came my looks. I can't remember a time in my life that he wasn't constantly making fun of fat people (though he never directly called me fat)...his favorite saying was, "there's never a shortage." He only likes my hair long - which is probably why, even though I prefer it long as well, it is usually short. He let's me know clearly, and loudly, of his disappointment every time he sees me and my hair is short.
He claimed to be saved, but would never go to church with me, or join me in any other church functions or outings.
The only time I could get him to spend time with me was if I laid down my preferences and did what he wanted to do. The few times we've done things together, we always ate where he wanted to (and he would always order for me!), watched what he wanted to watch, went where he wanted to go, did what he wanted to do. I watched EVERY single one of the Star Wars movies just to be able to spend time with him! I went with him to the Scottish Highland games (we're apparently Scottish, and he's intensely proud of the heritage...even has the kilt and other junk to go along with it), and would wore my sash and hat with the pompom on it! Just so I could spend time with him! And he'd be proud of me because I was doing what he wanted me to!
My daddy couldn't tell you what foods I hate, what foods I love, what my favorite color is, what my dreams and hopes for the future are, what candy I like best, what drink I crave on intensely happy days, and what I crave on days when I just want to feel loved, cared for and all wrapped up. He couldn't tell you what my favorite restaurant is, or what my favorite movies are. He couldn't tell you that I absolutely love to cook, and he couldn't tell you that I love to have things neat, organized and clean, but only go into cleaning "frenzies" when something is really weighing heavy on my mind. He couldn't tell you what kind of car I drive, where I live or where I work. He couldn't tell you who my friends through school were and he couldn't tell you who they are now. He couldn't tell you who my first boyfriend was, and he couldn't tell you how my heart and soul longs to find my husband and the father of my future children now. He couldn't tell you my biggest fear, and he couldn't tell you the thing I consider to be the worst thing that ever happened to me - physically or emotionally. He couldn't tell you that my eyes change colors depending on my mood, or that I have a freckle on my bottom eye lid. He couldn't tell you that I prefer jeans to any other bottom wear on the planet, but enjoy dressing up in skirts and dresses every now and then. He couldn't tell you that I layer every top I put on. He couldn't tell you that flipflops are my favorite footwear, but that some days I just want the comfort of my tennis shoes. He couldn't tell you that I have always thought of myself as being his greatest disappointment and failure. He couldn't tell you that for years I have considered myself to be too icky to deserve anyone that could truly care about me, because of what he put me through. He couldn't tell you that I have a horrible time trusting males, because he is the male I measure all the rest against. He couldn't tell you that when I finally allow myself to get close to a guy, I immediately try to go ahead and figure out why he is going to stop wanting to be around me, so I can prepare myself in advance. He couldn't tell you that I long for the day when God will finally make all these memories so distant, and I can completely accept the man God has for me - totally allowing him to become a part of me, and to see inside me to all the hurts, disappointments and scars, and allow him to completely love me, and become my human protector and provider. He couldn't tell you that there are many nights I lie awake and wander how different I would have been if he had just truly loved me, even once. He couldn't tell you that there are still nights I cry myself to sleep, wishing I could have had the prince charming daddy that movies are made of. He couldn't tell you that even though he has hurt me more than I can even begin to put into words, that I still crave a relationship with him more than anything in this world - even more than becoming a wife and mommy.
So...there it is. I think I put it into better words that night because it was fresh on my mind. As I told Sharon (my aunt), Friday night after I got the message, I'm not upset now because I'm angry, or I'm holding onto unforgiveness toward him. I'm just hurt, and sad. Really, really sad. Because he's my daddy, and he doesn't want anything to do with me. And never really has. I know that God has blessed me with many, many people that do love me, and do want me to be a part of their lives, but for whatever reason, I just can't let him go. I do love him, with everything in me. I crave a hug from him, or even one of his nasty "potlicker" kisses. But the truth is, that I can't even remember what he looks like, and I can't hear his voice anymore.
In the movie PS I Love You, the main character loses her husband to cancer. Her mother lost her husband when the daughter was 14, because the husband decided he didn't want to be a husband and father anymore, and they never see him again. There's a moment in the movie where the daughter is getting upset with the mom and she finally tells her that she can't understand what she's feeling, because Gerry (the daughter's husband) wanted to stay, but couldn't because he died. The mother answers with, "yes! Because it's so much easier knowing that my husband chose to leave me!"
That's how I feel. My relationship (or un-relationship...however you'd like to look at it) with my father is worse than if he had passed away, because at least then there would be a finality, and there would be a very real reason as to why he wasn't in my life. But knowing that he just choosed not to be a part of my life is so much worse...
I know I'm far from having the worst parent-child relationship, and I'm not claiming to have a horrible life, but this is my blog, so I get to share what's going on with me...and here it is. For better, for worse :)
For the rest of you that aren't my daddy, know that I love you too! With all my heart! And slowly but surely, God is allowing me to come to the full realization that it is completely alright for me to let parts of my heart go with others - know that each of you reading this has a part of my heart, and I trust you completely with it. I love you more than I could ever express with words, and know that I carry you with me in my heart always.
I love you.
You see, Friday night it was confirmed that Daddy has remarried (third wife...at least I only know of three...lol). Let me make it very clear up front that it does not bother me that he's married - I just feel sorry for the woman - it's simply the significance that is marked by the fact that he's married, and yet I didn't find it out from him...but through family that heard it through someone at church, because he happened to marry one of her relatives. Yeah. Twisted, I know.
March 14th marked the one year mark from the day I called Daddy and left him upteen messages pouring my heart and soul out to him. Ok...I think that I already wrote this pretty well the other day in an email I sent a friend after I heard the news. The email went as follows:
I know today's news probably shouldn't have bothered me at all...but I guess this was just a bad week for it. Last Saturday was the year mark from the day I last tried to make contact - I called him and left messages, cause he didn't pick up, and offered him complete forgiveness for all he had done to me, and I asked his forgiveness for holding onto everything as long as I had. I apologized for not being the daughter he wanted, and apologized for expecting too much from him. I hadn't heard from him for 6 months before that call, and I haven't heard anything from him since.
Daddy was physically abusive toward me until I was 8, and Mama moved us out of the house he had built, and we all had shared as a "family." Instances ranged from him using his hands, fork, hairbrush and remote... But even more than the physical abuse was the emotional and mental abuse. I could never be enough for him. Ever. I made straight A's through my entire school career, graduated 13th in a class of 380 something students, with honors...and that still wasn't enough. I could have applied myself a little more - I could have been in the top 10 if I had tried a little harder!
The only times he EVER showed up to anything that I was a part of was when I was being recognized for an achievement, and being given an award! Those were the times he would actually acknowledge me, hug me, and tell people he was proud of me. But let me just be singing or acting - which were two HUGE loves of mine - and he would never show up. Then came my looks. I can't remember a time in my life that he wasn't constantly making fun of fat people (though he never directly called me fat)...his favorite saying was, "there's never a shortage." He only likes my hair long - which is probably why, even though I prefer it long as well, it is usually short. He let's me know clearly, and loudly, of his disappointment every time he sees me and my hair is short.
He claimed to be saved, but would never go to church with me, or join me in any other church functions or outings.
The only time I could get him to spend time with me was if I laid down my preferences and did what he wanted to do. The few times we've done things together, we always ate where he wanted to (and he would always order for me!), watched what he wanted to watch, went where he wanted to go, did what he wanted to do. I watched EVERY single one of the Star Wars movies just to be able to spend time with him! I went with him to the Scottish Highland games (we're apparently Scottish, and he's intensely proud of the heritage...even has the kilt and other junk to go along with it), and would wore my sash and hat with the pompom on it! Just so I could spend time with him! And he'd be proud of me because I was doing what he wanted me to!
My daddy couldn't tell you what foods I hate, what foods I love, what my favorite color is, what my dreams and hopes for the future are, what candy I like best, what drink I crave on intensely happy days, and what I crave on days when I just want to feel loved, cared for and all wrapped up. He couldn't tell you what my favorite restaurant is, or what my favorite movies are. He couldn't tell you that I absolutely love to cook, and he couldn't tell you that I love to have things neat, organized and clean, but only go into cleaning "frenzies" when something is really weighing heavy on my mind. He couldn't tell you what kind of car I drive, where I live or where I work. He couldn't tell you who my friends through school were and he couldn't tell you who they are now. He couldn't tell you who my first boyfriend was, and he couldn't tell you how my heart and soul longs to find my husband and the father of my future children now. He couldn't tell you my biggest fear, and he couldn't tell you the thing I consider to be the worst thing that ever happened to me - physically or emotionally. He couldn't tell you that my eyes change colors depending on my mood, or that I have a freckle on my bottom eye lid. He couldn't tell you that I prefer jeans to any other bottom wear on the planet, but enjoy dressing up in skirts and dresses every now and then. He couldn't tell you that I layer every top I put on. He couldn't tell you that flipflops are my favorite footwear, but that some days I just want the comfort of my tennis shoes. He couldn't tell you that I have always thought of myself as being his greatest disappointment and failure. He couldn't tell you that for years I have considered myself to be too icky to deserve anyone that could truly care about me, because of what he put me through. He couldn't tell you that I have a horrible time trusting males, because he is the male I measure all the rest against. He couldn't tell you that when I finally allow myself to get close to a guy, I immediately try to go ahead and figure out why he is going to stop wanting to be around me, so I can prepare myself in advance. He couldn't tell you that I long for the day when God will finally make all these memories so distant, and I can completely accept the man God has for me - totally allowing him to become a part of me, and to see inside me to all the hurts, disappointments and scars, and allow him to completely love me, and become my human protector and provider. He couldn't tell you that there are many nights I lie awake and wander how different I would have been if he had just truly loved me, even once. He couldn't tell you that there are still nights I cry myself to sleep, wishing I could have had the prince charming daddy that movies are made of. He couldn't tell you that even though he has hurt me more than I can even begin to put into words, that I still crave a relationship with him more than anything in this world - even more than becoming a wife and mommy.
So...there it is. I think I put it into better words that night because it was fresh on my mind. As I told Sharon (my aunt), Friday night after I got the message, I'm not upset now because I'm angry, or I'm holding onto unforgiveness toward him. I'm just hurt, and sad. Really, really sad. Because he's my daddy, and he doesn't want anything to do with me. And never really has. I know that God has blessed me with many, many people that do love me, and do want me to be a part of their lives, but for whatever reason, I just can't let him go. I do love him, with everything in me. I crave a hug from him, or even one of his nasty "potlicker" kisses. But the truth is, that I can't even remember what he looks like, and I can't hear his voice anymore.
In the movie PS I Love You, the main character loses her husband to cancer. Her mother lost her husband when the daughter was 14, because the husband decided he didn't want to be a husband and father anymore, and they never see him again. There's a moment in the movie where the daughter is getting upset with the mom and she finally tells her that she can't understand what she's feeling, because Gerry (the daughter's husband) wanted to stay, but couldn't because he died. The mother answers with, "yes! Because it's so much easier knowing that my husband chose to leave me!"
That's how I feel. My relationship (or un-relationship...however you'd like to look at it) with my father is worse than if he had passed away, because at least then there would be a finality, and there would be a very real reason as to why he wasn't in my life. But knowing that he just choosed not to be a part of my life is so much worse...
I know I'm far from having the worst parent-child relationship, and I'm not claiming to have a horrible life, but this is my blog, so I get to share what's going on with me...and here it is. For better, for worse :)
For the rest of you that aren't my daddy, know that I love you too! With all my heart! And slowly but surely, God is allowing me to come to the full realization that it is completely alright for me to let parts of my heart go with others - know that each of you reading this has a part of my heart, and I trust you completely with it. I love you more than I could ever express with words, and know that I carry you with me in my heart always.
I love you.
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