It's not over...til it's over...

I've been writing this blog in my head for a few days now... I just didn't know where to begin. I thought of starting at the beginning, but couldn't really find where that was... Then I thought of beginning at the end, and that's when I realized that it's not over. It's FAR from over (or at least I hope it's far...lol)

You see, Friday night it was confirmed that Daddy has remarried (third wife...at least I only know of three...lol). Let me make it very clear up front that it does not bother me that he's married - I just feel sorry for the woman - it's simply the significance that is marked by the fact that he's married, and yet I didn't find it out from him...but through family that heard it through someone at church, because he happened to marry one of her relatives. Yeah. Twisted, I know.

March 14th marked the one year mark from the day I called Daddy and left him upteen messages pouring my heart and soul out to him. Ok...I think that I already wrote this pretty well the other day in an email I sent a friend after I heard the news. The email went as follows:

I know today's news probably shouldn't have bothered me at all...but I guess this was just a bad week for it. Last Saturday was the year mark from the day I last tried to make contact - I called him and left messages, cause he didn't pick up, and offered him complete forgiveness for all he had done to me, and I asked his forgiveness for holding onto everything as long as I had. I apologized for not being the daughter he wanted, and apologized for expecting too much from him. I hadn't heard from him for 6 months before that call, and I haven't heard anything from him since.

Daddy was physically abusive toward me until I was 8, and Mama moved us out of the house he had built, and we all had shared as a "family." Instances ranged from him using his hands, fork, hairbrush and remote... But even more than the physical abuse was the emotional and mental abuse. I could never be enough for him. Ever. I made straight A's through my entire school career, graduated 13th in a class of 380 something students, with honors...and that still wasn't enough. I could have applied myself a little more - I could have been in the top 10 if I had tried a little harder!

The only times he EVER showed up to anything that I was a part of was when I was being recognized for an achievement, and being given an award! Those were the times he would actually acknowledge me, hug me, and tell people he was proud of me. But let me just be singing or acting - which were two HUGE loves of mine - and he would never show up. Then came my looks. I can't remember a time in my life that he wasn't constantly making fun of fat people (though he never directly called me fat)...his favorite saying was, "there's never a shortage." He only likes my hair long - which is probably why, even though I prefer it long as well, it is usually short. He let's me know clearly, and loudly, of his disappointment every time he sees me and my hair is short.

He claimed to be saved, but would never go to church with me, or join me in any other church functions or outings.

The only time I could get him to spend time with me was if I laid down my preferences and did what he wanted to do. The few times we've done things together, we always ate where he wanted to (and he would always order for me!), watched what he wanted to watch, went where he wanted to go, did what he wanted to do. I watched EVERY single one of the Star Wars movies just to be able to spend time with him! I went with him to the Scottish Highland games (we're apparently Scottish, and he's intensely proud of the heritage...even has the kilt and other junk to go along with it), and would wore my sash and hat with the pompom on it! Just so I could spend time with him! And he'd be proud of me because I was doing what he wanted me to!

My daddy couldn't tell you what foods I hate, what foods I love, what my favorite color is, what my dreams and hopes for the future are, what candy I like best, what drink I crave on intensely happy days, and what I crave on days when I just want to feel loved, cared for and all wrapped up. He couldn't tell you what my favorite restaurant is, or what my favorite movies are. He couldn't tell you that I absolutely love to cook, and he couldn't tell you that I love to have things neat, organized and clean, but only go into cleaning "frenzies" when something is really weighing heavy on my mind. He couldn't tell you what kind of car I drive, where I live or where I work. He couldn't tell you who my friends through school were and he couldn't tell you who they are now. He couldn't tell you who my first boyfriend was, and he couldn't tell you how my heart and soul longs to find my husband and the father of my future children now. He couldn't tell you my biggest fear, and he couldn't tell you the thing I consider to be the worst thing that ever happened to me - physically or emotionally. He couldn't tell you that my eyes change colors depending on my mood, or that I have a freckle on my bottom eye lid. He couldn't tell you that I prefer jeans to any other bottom wear on the planet, but enjoy dressing up in skirts and dresses every now and then. He couldn't tell you that I layer every top I put on. He couldn't tell you that flipflops are my favorite footwear, but that some days I just want the comfort of my tennis shoes. He couldn't tell you that I have always thought of myself as being his greatest disappointment and failure. He couldn't tell you that for years I have considered myself to be too icky to deserve anyone that could truly care about me, because of what he put me through. He couldn't tell you that I have a horrible time trusting males, because he is the male I measure all the rest against. He couldn't tell you that when I finally allow myself to get close to a guy, I immediately try to go ahead and figure out why he is going to stop wanting to be around me, so I can prepare myself in advance. He couldn't tell you that I long for the day when God will finally make all these memories so distant, and I can completely accept the man God has for me - totally allowing him to become a part of me, and to see inside me to all the hurts, disappointments and scars, and allow him to completely love me, and become my human protector and provider. He couldn't tell you that there are many nights I lie awake and wander how different I would have been if he had just truly loved me, even once. He couldn't tell you that there are still nights I cry myself to sleep, wishing I could have had the prince charming daddy that movies are made of. He couldn't tell you that even though he has hurt me more than I can even begin to put into words, that I still crave a relationship with him more than anything in this world - even more than becoming a wife and mommy.

So...there it is. I think I put it into better words that night because it was fresh on my mind. As I told Sharon (my aunt), Friday night after I got the message, I'm not upset now because I'm angry, or I'm holding onto unforgiveness toward him. I'm just hurt, and sad. Really, really sad. Because he's my daddy, and he doesn't want anything to do with me. And never really has. I know that God has blessed me with many, many people that do love me, and do want me to be a part of their lives, but for whatever reason, I just can't let him go. I do love him, with everything in me. I crave a hug from him, or even one of his nasty "potlicker" kisses. But the truth is, that I can't even remember what he looks like, and I can't hear his voice anymore.

In the movie PS I Love You, the main character loses her husband to cancer. Her mother lost her husband when the daughter was 14, because the husband decided he didn't want to be a husband and father anymore, and they never see him again. There's a moment in the movie where the daughter is getting upset with the mom and she finally tells her that she can't understand what she's feeling, because Gerry (the daughter's husband) wanted to stay, but couldn't because he died. The mother answers with, "yes! Because it's so much easier knowing that my husband chose to leave me!"

That's how I feel. My relationship (or un-relationship...however you'd like to look at it) with my father is worse than if he had passed away, because at least then there would be a finality, and there would be a very real reason as to why he wasn't in my life. But knowing that he just choosed not to be a part of my life is so much worse...

I know I'm far from having the worst parent-child relationship, and I'm not claiming to have a horrible life, but this is my blog, so I get to share what's going on with me...and here it is. For better, for worse :)

For the rest of you that aren't my daddy, know that I love you too! With all my heart! And slowly but surely, God is allowing me to come to the full realization that it is completely alright for me to let parts of my heart go with others - know that each of you reading this has a part of my heart, and I trust you completely with it. I love you more than I could ever express with words, and know that I carry you with me in my heart always.

I love you.

Here In Your Presence...

From the back:

Ms Robin, Kyilee, Rashonica

Arbrianna, KeKe

Jesus said, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them,
for the kingdom of Heaven belongs to such as these."
~Matthew 19:14

Sunday night (3/8), Robin (my Urban LifeGroup co-leader) and I had a sleepover for 4 of the girls in our LifeGroup.

We picked them up around 4:30, came back to our house (since everyone was gone for the week). I started dinner (chicken nuggets, mashed potatoes w/ gravy, corn and mac and cheese) while Robin and the girls played tag in the backyard, and Spooky sat by my feet wondering what in the world was going on, and why we had been invaded! :D Lol

We ate dinner, then went outside. We gave Spooky a bath and brushed his teeth (Cause they really wanted to brush him, dry him off and play with him :) ), and played tag a while longer, blew some bubbles, and roasted marshmallows (with wire hangers and lighters...lol).

After all that, we came in, got into our pajamas, and settled in the living room to watch High School Musical 3. Robin had been feeling kind of out of it all afternoon, and said that she had been incredibly tired and drained all day long - she had even slept 14 hours straight from Saturday night to Sunday!!!

As the movie finished and we got up to begin preparing for bed, Robin grabbed my hand and asked me if I would please pray for her. Of course I said yes, and gathered the girls around her, explaining that we were going to pray for Ms Robin. They gathered close and laid their heads over on her. I began praying, and as I started praying, and asking the Spirit to fall, I felt His presence stronger than I ever have in my life up to this point! I was in the moment and the Spirit just took over, using me as a mouthpiece, praying out what needed to be prayed over Robin.Tears were flowing silently down my cheeks, and I could hear sniffles all around me, as the girls began to cry. Then Robin began to shake and cry, and God told me to sing. I couldn't pull the tune out of my head, and couldn't remember all the words to the verse, so I ran and grabbed my laptop and pulled it up on iTunes. (The words are below, and the song is the first one playing on the blog!)

Here In Your Presence
by New Life Worship

Found in Your hands, fullness of joy
Every fear suddenly wiped away
Here in Your presence

All of my gains now fade away
Every crown no longer on display
Here in Your presence

Heaven is trembling in awe of Your wonders
The kings and their kingdom are standing amazed

Here in Your presence, we are undone
Here in Your presence, Heaven and Earth become one
Here in Your presence, all things are new
Here in Your presence, everything bows before You

Wonderful
Beautiful
Glorious
Matchless in Every Way

As it began, I started to sing with it, then about halfway through, Robin joined in. And before it was over, the girls, who had never even heard it before, were singing as well!!! As the song finished, I'm muted the computer, said a final prayer of thanksgiving for all God had done, and then opened my eyes! What a sight to behold! :D Robin, looking as if a ten thousand pound weight had been lifted off her shoulders, eyes clear and glistening with her tears! And the girls! How beautiful! Tear lines down their faces, the neckline of their shirts wet with their tears, sitting in complete silence, having no idea what was happening, but touched so deeply by the Spirit, that they couldn't help but sit quietly under the weight of all that was happening! :)

We sat quietly for a few moments, and then Robin asked the girls if they had any idea what had just happened. They shook their heads, and so we began to explain that the Spirit had come all around us - not just in us, like He is all the time because we have accepted Him as our Savior, but He came all around us! They asked us what made us all cry, and so we explained to them that when the Spirit is working in you, you can't help but respond! And that was one way that your physical self responde to His working! :) It was awesome!!! The girls were asking questions, and we were able to explain, in depth, all that had happened! (At this point, it had been about an hour and fifteen minutes since we started praying for Robin!)

We answered all of their questions, and then I asked them if we (Robin and I) could pray over each one of them. They eagerly said yes (which totally shocked us! But it shouldn't have, because God is God, and He was ALL in that night!!!), and began to "call" which placement they would have in the prayer lineup! :) It was...Arbrianna, Rashonica, Kyilee and KeKe.

Here, nearly two weeks after it took place, I cannot remember every detail of every prayer that took place that night for those girls, but I can tell you God was in every single second of that night! We would wait on God, I would begin getting a picture for them as Robin would begin to pray. When Robin finished, I would paint the picture for them (with words) and then pray over them as well. It went that way through all four of the girls, with each picture and prayer being as different as the girls themselves! They, and we, sat in awe at how truly awesome our God is, and how he had given us things to pray over the girls that they had never even let us know - it was all from God! :)

All in all, we prayed almost 3 hours, and as we had started praying over the first girl, God had told me that we were to listen to Casting Crowns "I Know You're There" after all was said and done. So when we finished, I pulled it up, and googled the lyrics so they could read them. They read along the first time, begged for it to play a second time, and then the third, fourth and fifth times were singing along with everything they had in them! What a glorious melody!!! :D

After that, we were all a bit energized, and had to get calmed down before we could even think about going to sleep! :) The girls wanted to do our hair, and I wound up with mini-braids! :P Lol

Yay for the Spirit of God raining down all in us and around us! :)

Oooooh! He's good! :)

Alone...

So, the family has packed up and headed out on the road. They left about 30 minutes ago, and will be back late on Thursday! Spooky and I are not sure about all this down time... :)

I plan on doing some serious cleaning this week, and I'm sure Spooky will get totally confused - cause he follows me EVERYWHERE I go, and switches rooms every time I do - and won't appreciate it, but I hope to have the majority done in a day! :) Shouldn't be too bad...! :)

Davis had his first soccer game of this season today, and they won 5-1!!! :D And they only had 6 players, which meant no switching out (they all had to play the entire game) and it meant that they had one less player on the field than the other team (the max number of players is 7). And we still won!!! And Davis made a goal!!! :D He was THRILLED!!! :D

I guess that's really all I have to update you on... But don't be too disappointed, because I'm sure I'll think of more rambles to add in the next couple of days! :D Lol...

Love you!
~Vanessa

Time flies when...you're really busy! :)

Alright! Let's get to it! I got on here to type up a post, because I thought it had been "forever" since I had updated...but I just checked, and it hasn't even been a week...yeah...as the title says, "Time flies when you're really busy!" :D

Target!

I went to Orientation last Friday, and was acquainted with all of the values, beliefs and rules that make up the foundation of the wonderful store I love to shop at, and love to work for! :)

I have worked every day since last Friday! :D I was called in early yesterday, and asked to stay late, and I was scheduled to be off today, but they needed help, so in I went! Tomorrow will be my 7th day in a row! :D Woohoo!

I cannot tell you how excited I am as I get in the car and head toward my beloved store! :D God and I talk...ok, so it's mostly me talking...but I do listen too! :D...all the way to the store, and we prepare for the day that is to come! And I enter that retail paradise (ok...maybe I'm taking it a little far now...but it is fun! :D ) with a smile on my face, and a bounce in my step!

God is GOOD!!! He put me EXACTLY where He wanted me! And He is blessing me over and above anything I could have asked or dreamed - especially regarding working in retail! :P Something I would have never chosen for myself!

I will tell you a few things I have learned since starting at Target:

1. There are a lot more muscles, ligaments, nerves, veins, etc, etc, etc in my legs and feet than I ever thought existed. And I feel every one of them when I finally sit down after my shift! :D

2. The equipment (scanner, conveyor belt, plastic bag holder, etc) at checkout counters was designed for midgets (vertically challenged persons - whatever... :P)!

If I was 5 feet tall or under, I would be the perfect height to work at the lanes! :) As it is, I spend most of my shift looking like the Hunchback of Notre Dame! :D

3. #12 is my absolute most favoritist lane to work! Don't ask me why, because I have no logical reasoning for it... I just LOVE it! And even without me telling them, that is where I have been put to work about 85% of the time that I have been on the lanes! :D

4. [Most] Target guests (We don't call them customers, because Target is supposed to be like their second home! :D) are an entirely different breed of human than any other type of shopper in the world. You know what makes them different? They are NICE! :D And when you smile at them, they become even nicer! And when you say something kind, they get even nicer! And when you laugh with them, they become even nicer! It's like a game to see just how nice someone can get before their heart bursts out their eyes, because it can't contain anymore niceness, and just has to ooze out of every pore available! :D

5. When a guest takes the time to look at my name tag, and address me by my name, it truly makes my day! I'm completely serious about this!

If you go to the store, and the clerk has on a name tag, use their name! Even if it is just, "Have a good day, (fill in name here)!" as you are gathering your bags to leave! It just makes you feel like a person! And it lets you know that they care! LOVE it!

I get more energy from a guest saying my name than...anything else (I can't think of an example of anything else at the moment, so I'm going to try to not look like a total idiot, and instead get you off on the rabbit trail that is this extremely long sentence, and hope that you are now thinking about why I am rambling rather than what the sentence was originally about! :D)

6. The economy has not affected Target guests...those people spend like nobody's business...Wow...! :) (Job security!!! :D)

7. I LOVE my job! :D

Ok...so I will shut up about my job at this time, and continue on with the remainder of the update! :)

The "Door of Support"

So, as we started sending out the newsletters and began praying about the supporters and such, I began to invision a way that we could watch every dollar of the support come in, and be able to watch it grow and truly appreciate all God is doing through His people! :)

Here it is!

It is on the inside of our front door! :D Let me explain it to you, since you can't fully be here to appreciate all the door has to offer! :D lol...

"God's Blessings" - The 1's place! There are 9 sets of velcro dots, and 9 strips of paper labeled $1 - $9.

"And Provisions" - The 10's place! There are 9 sets of velcro dots, and 9 strips of paper labeled $10 - $90.

"For the Journey" - The 100's place! There are 9 sets of velcro dots, and 9 strips of paper labeled $100 - $900.

And there will be one more sign that will be for the thousands, but that's one is very special (if not a little corny :D) and is being saved until we get the first thousand! :D

You see, this way we are literally able to see every dollar as it comes in. If someone sends $125, we will put a strip up on the hundreds chart, two strips on the tens chart, and 5 strips on the ones chart! It reminds us that every dollar truly matters - to God, and to the vision for the Lynn's! :D

And yes, the strips are wavy - and they match perfectly with the strips above and below them! :D It took forever to make them, but I love the effect that allows them to be entertwined! :D

Soccer, Track, and Life...Oh my! :)

Wow...between Davis' soccer practice and games, Samantha's track practice and meets, David's work, Sharon's volunteer efforts, Sharon and David's schooling and homework, my work schedule, all of our different LifeGroup, discipleship, church involvement, schedules, sometimes it's hard to remember what day it is, let alone what we're supposed to be doing, who's supposed to be doing what, and when they're supposed to be doing it! We are all like ships, passing in the night! :)

Davis...

...is doing great in school, and is still enjoying all of his teachers and classes!
...has his first soccer game (of this season) Saturday at 10:30, and he's thrilled!
...has had a bit of a cold for the past week or so, and we're hoping it gets gone SOON!
...is still enjoying all that he is a part of at church! They have such a good children's program, and awesome directors! :)

Samantha...

...is improving in school, and appreciates all the prayers coming her way!
...and I have started doing her devoted time together every morning, and are having an awesome time with Jesus (and each other) every day! :)
...is so excited about being a part of the track team at her school!
...has been invited (you have to receive an invitation to participate in track meets - maybe you knew that, but I had no clue until she got involved...) to the last two track meets (they've only had three!).
...has started working in the nursery with me on Sunday mornings and is loving it! :) She is a great help!

Sharon...

...is busy as a bee with all of her volunteering and working on the building of Ministry Partners :D
...had a cold a couple of weeks ago and lost her voice, and is still trying to get it back.

David...

...has a lot on his plate.
...has been sick for the last couple of weeks with a cold/sinus something, and just hasn't gotten his strength completely back yet - please pray that God will heal him to 110% soon!

Spooky...

...has a checkup and shots tomorrow... Poor baby! :(
...is my bestest little furry (ok...he's really not that furry...but you know what I mean... :D) friend ever!
...is having quite the time adjusting to the fact that I'm not at home as much as I use to be. But we make the most of the time we do have together! :)

The Lynn's...

...are going camping for Spring Break! They are leaving on Saturday after Davis' soccer game, and will return late on the following Thursday!
...will be leaving Spooky and me to have the entire place to ourselves! :D...ok...I think that got everyone! :D

One More Thing...

As I was sitting here typing all this, I was also having a conversation via text, with a friend, about guys and relationships and such, and God gave me "the sign." :D He gave me the thing to wait for that will tell me when I've met the one He has chosen for me! :) It's so simple, yet holds so much meaning for me! How awesome is that?!?!?! God is sooooo GOOD!!! Woohoo! :D

I will stop here. Mostly because I don't have anything else to talk about, and a little bit because I am about to fall asleep on the keyboard :)

I hope you all have an awesome rest of the week! :)

Love you forever!
~Vanessa

PS - After I finished the post, I just had to hit the wrong format button, and then had to spend ten minutes going back over this thing trying to make heads or tails out of it - yes, it really messed it up! - and I don't know if I got everything quite right, but I think it's close! :) Please give me grace if there are sections running together, or if there is bolds or italics in odd places...lol :)

Goodnight! :)

Does God dance on your potato chips?

Note: I got this sent to me in a forward the other day. I am not one to send many forwards on, but this one really grabbed at my heart! It so truly shows the heart of my God! He is always there for us! And He is always looking out for our best interest - as we usually have no clue as to what is best for us and are always demanding different answers in the fastest amount of time possible! But His timing is perfect! And He loves us just as we are. Just where we are. We don't have to change to come to God. We are changed because we come to Him. :)

Love you!
~Vanessa






Not too long ago I had "one of those days." I was feeling pressure from a writing deadline. I had company arriving in a couple days and the toilet was clogged. I went to the bank, and the trainee teller processing my deposit had to start over three times. I swung by the supermarket to pick up a few things and the lines were serpentine. By the time I got home, I was frazzled and sweaty and in a hurry to get something on the table for dinner.

Deciding on Campbell 's Cream of Mushroom soup, I grabbed a can opener, cranked open the can, then remembered I had forgotten to buy milk at the store. Nix the soup idea. Setting the can aside, I went to plan B, which was leftover baked beans. I grabbed a Tupperware from the fridge, popped the seal, took a look and groaned. My husband isn't a picky eater, but even HE won't eat baked beans that look like caterpillars.

Really frustrated now, I decided on a menu that promised to be as fool proof as it is nutrition-free: hot dogs and potato chips.

Retrieving a brand new bag of chips from the cupboard, I grabbed the cellophane and gave a hearty pull. The bag didn't open. I tried again. Nothing happened. I took a breath, doubled my muscle, and gave the bag a hearty wrestle. With a loud pop, the cellophane suddenly gave way, ripping wide from top to bottom. Chips flew sky high. I was left holding the bag, and it was empty. It was the final straw. I let out a blood curdling scream. "I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!!"

My husband heard my unorthodox cry for help. Within minutes he was standing at the doorway to the kitchen, where he surveyed the damage: an opened can of soup, melting groceries, moldy baked beans, and one quivering wife standing ankle deep in potato chips.

My husband did the most helpful thing he could think of at the moment. He took a flying leap, landing flat-footed in the pile of chips. And then he began to stomp and dance and twirl, grinding those chips into my linoleum in the process! I stared. I fumed. Pretty soon I was working to stifle a smile. Eventually I had to laugh. And finally I decided to join him. I, too, took a leap onto the chips. And then I danced.

Now I'll be the first to admit that my husband's response wasn't the one I was looking for. But the truth is, it was exactly what I needed. I didn't need a cleanup crew as much as I needed an attitude adjustment,and the laughter from that rather funky moment provided just that.

So now I have a question for you, and it's simply this: Has God ever stomped on your chips?

I know that, in my life, there have been plenty of times when I've gotten myself into frustrating situations and I've cried out for help, all the while hoping God would show up with a celestial broom and clean up the mess I've made of things.

What often happens instead is that God dances on my chips, answering my prayer in a completely different manner than I had expected, but in the manner that is best for me after all.

Sometimes I can see right away that God's response was the best one after all.

Sometimes I have to wait weeks or months before I begin to understand how and why God answered a particular prayer the way he did.

There are even some situations that, years later, I'm still trying to understand. I figure God will fill me in sooner or later, either this side of Heaven or beyond.

Do I trust Him? Even when he's answering my prayers in a way that is completely different from my expectations? Even when he's dancing and stomping instead of sweeping and mopping? Can I embrace what He's offering?

Can I let His joy adjust my attitude? Am I going to stand on the sidelines and sulk, or am I willing to learn the steps of the dance he's dancin' with my needs in mind?

I'll be honest with you: Sometimes I sulk. Sometimes I dance. I'm working on doing more of the latter than the former. I guess the older I get the more I realize that He really does know what He's doing. He loves me and I can trust Him. Even when the chips are down.

~ Author Unknown

You Are Mine

While praying one day a woman asked, "Who are You, Lord?"

He answered, "I Am."

"But who is I Am?" she asked.

And He replied,
"I Am Love.
I Am Peace.
I Am Grace.
I Am Joy.
I Am The Way, The Truth and The Light.
I Am the Comforter.
I Am Strength.
I Am Safety.
I Am Shelter.
I Am Power.
I Am the Creator.
I Am the Beginning and the End.
I Am the Most High."

The girl, with tears in her eyes, looked toward Heaven and said,
"Now I understand. But Lord, who am I?"

Then God tenderly wiped the tears from her eyes and whispered,
"You are Mine."

~Anonymous